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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Savage Love Letter of the Day

posted by on October 30 at 11:20 AM

They’re not all about piss and shit and fisting and gangbangs…

There’s this new pastor @ the church I visit. She’s gorgeous, a serious athlete—and can read ancient Greek. I’ve managed to get her to lunch twice, despite her schedule, and as she may be deployed to Iraq shortly, I spelled out my interest explicitly. (Hey, if I was smooth w/ the ladies, I’d be married already.) She seemed receptive, posited that dating someone in her new congregation could possibly cause issues, but may go hiking w/ me this weekend.

So what’s the protocol for dating a smokin’ hot priestess? (If I should be so lucky.)

Not Very Good Xian

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I don't think protocol does exist for dating gorgeous, athletic, ancient-Greek-speaking soldier-priestesses. I mean, is that really surprising?

Posted by Gloria | October 30, 2007 11:48 AM

She's not into you. She's into Jesus. NVGX should probably get over it and move along.

Posted by Gomez | October 30, 2007 11:50 AM

Throw it in her butt.

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 30, 2007 11:53 AM

piss, shit, fisting, and gangbangs, obviously.

Posted by NaFun | October 30, 2007 11:53 AM

She's not into you. And I can read Koine Greek too! Well, at least, I took three quarters of it...

Posted by Amelia | October 30, 2007 11:56 AM

She sounds like a lesbian, and NVGX doesn't sound like a lady....

Posted by christopher | October 30, 2007 11:56 AM

I don't know what church it is, but he should check up on their bylaws and whatnot if he wants to pursue it. Because if the church administrators have a problem, it wouldn't just suck for him - it's possible she could be fired or have her ordination taken away or something. (It's officially known as being 'disrobed,' har har.) If he really wants a relationship with this woman, he needs to know the rules and play by them.

Posted by Greg | October 30, 2007 12:02 PM

Is he asking about a real person or an NPC from Dungeons & Dragons?

Posted by PA Native | October 30, 2007 12:21 PM

I think the main advice should be to stop stressing so much and be yourself.

And see how the hike goes before worring too much.

But, realize that fooling around for her may involve marriage either before or shortly after any serious fooling around.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 30, 2007 12:23 PM

worrying - dang, spellcheck.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 30, 2007 12:24 PM

What Mr. Poe said. Words of wisdom, Lloyd. Words of wisdom.

Posted by jack n. | October 30, 2007 12:31 PM

If you do it up the butt, she can keep her holy virgin strut.

Posted by Giffy | October 30, 2007 12:35 PM

First, you need to check her alignment to make sure it's compatible with yours--Lawful-Good Priestesses are notoriously bad matches for Neutral characters like yourself. Then you need to see which of the nine deities she's really serving (and make sure her secondary deity isn't the Goddess of the Hunt--she hates men!). Once that's settled, you'll need to make an argument for why your party needs a cleric. Surely, you already have a spell-caster, so you need to emphasize her ability to turn the undead and heal wounds--that will likely sway the rest of your party to accept her. Then, of course, you have to make the offer. Clerics aren't motivated by the accumulation of treasure or obtaining honor through the slaying of enemies, so you have to appeal to her need for spiritual knowledge, service to her deity, and the accumulation of sacred artifacts. Promise to help her find the Sweet Chalice of Gonad's Mead, and I swear to the gods, you'll have her on her knees before you can say "Holy Teabags!"

Posted by jack | October 30, 2007 1:04 PM

Sounds like she's interesting, intelligent, and has good judgement. If he is the same, then at the very least they'll have some interesting conversations, and he'll have a cool new friend. But if he only wants to connect physically, she'll probably find him too boring to bother with and cut him loose. In that case, like so many men (none here, of course), he'll hurl all kinds of insults and abuse at her to hide the fact that he knows he was never good enough for her in the first place.

Posted by Irena | October 30, 2007 1:07 PM

the guy refers to her as both a pastor and a priestess. there is a big difference. Pastors can have relationships and marriages, preistesses cannot. if she is "just" a pastor, then go for it.


Posted by ddv | October 30, 2007 1:08 PM

@15: What, have you fucked this guy before?

Posted by Greg | October 30, 2007 1:15 PM

Jack is my new favorite in the comments

Posted by wisepunk | October 30, 2007 1:16 PM

Unusually gorgeous? Reads ancient Greek?
About to go spend time in the Middle East?

Dude, this chick is probably a 1,000-year-old cursed priestess of Osiris, looking to devour the livers of young men to forestall her inevitable mutilation by the bratwurst-sized maggot gestating inside her skull.

Posted by Moltarr | October 30, 2007 1:24 PM

Greg @17: Ooh, sounds like I touched a nerve there!

Posted by Irena | October 30, 2007 1:33 PM

From what I hear, lawful-good priestesses go nuts for "rogue"-type characters. A thief is probably a bit much for her do-good background, but you could make her drop her Asuran Armor if you were a lute-playing Bard. Or perhaps you should develop some sort of split-class archetype, a fighting monk or something.

At any rate, you'll want to make sure you giver her a chance to do more than "heal light wounds" every few rounds, lest she gets bored and goes home. Encourage her to fight with her enchanted mace, *if* ya know what I mean.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | October 30, 2007 1:41 PM


when are you dm-ing again?

i need RPG ASAP.

and i agree with the "she's just not that into you" camp, no extended D&D advice needed.

Posted by erin | October 30, 2007 1:54 PM

She'd be into you, NVGX, if you'd just throw it in her poopy butthole.

Don't even bother with "lube". Tear that bitch to shreds!

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 30, 2007 1:56 PM

Yeah, the fact that you call her a priestess is a red flag that this relationship is going nowhere fast. She's not high-church, if she goes by "pastor." Even if she was high-church, she would be referred to as a priest plain and simple. You're romanticising the situation, and it's scary. For her sake, leave her alone until you understand what her job is. You can start with clearing up what her job title is.

Posted by Katelyn | October 30, 2007 2:07 PM

So your church goes through the trouble of getting a brand new pastor/priestess/Elfish Warrior with +75 bonus HP/whatever, with the full knowledge that she will be sent to Iraq shortly? Talk about crappy planning. Luckily the letters on church lawn signs are interchangable.

Posted by Bont | October 30, 2007 2:18 PM

In most Christian denominations, the ministers are prohibited from dating members of their congregation (no Roman Catholic jokes, please). For someone with pastoral responsibilities over members of a congregation, it raises the same kinds of issues as psychologists dating patients, college professors dating students, etc. There's just too much potential for problems.

If you are really serious about her, join a different congregation and get back in touch with her. Otherwise, you may be getting her into professional trouble.

Posted by Freddy | October 30, 2007 2:34 PM

@26 - and yet, most marriages of ministers and priests and priestesses are to people who were in their congregations ... not counting the ones in college.

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 30, 2007 3:03 PM

What a weird letter! First of all I could understand the need to write Dan Savage if he wanted sex advice but come on advice about dating a female Pastor. Weird.
This guy is already doing it all wrong! He has no chance and sounds like a nerd.

I'm sure Dan can give great relationship advice but the potential dating of a Priestess? This guy is just whacked!

Thats like me asking Dan or Poe about breast feeding techniques...

Gag Mr. Poe just gag! It makes me laugh!

Posted by mj | October 30, 2007 3:13 PM

That's stupid. You want to be asking ME about breast-feeding techniques. Step one: lose the kid.

Posted by Fnarf | October 30, 2007 5:59 PM

Fnarf should write a book. Seriously.

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 30, 2007 6:08 PM

Fnarf, squeeze your tit really hard several times a day and even you can breast feed!
Maybe those Italian women can show you on the beach.... Oops, now your wife is going to hit me.
Ok, I'm not talking to you for two weeks, Man... I find a way regardless. It's an addiction.

Posted by mj | October 30, 2007 6:48 PM

I am exercising my Fifth Amendment right to refuse to answer any questions about squeezing my own tits really hard on the grounds that my answers might tend to incriminate me.

Posted by Fnarf | October 30, 2007 8:52 PM

Freddy is right...I am a minister....if she is caught dating a parishioner it is likely that she will be fired and brought up on disciplinary charges, UNLESS you get married. If you get married, there is a chance that it will not damage her professional standing and reputation.

Honestly, if you are into her, date her, but make sure with her church authorities to do it in a proper fashion before you get too involved. What folks don't realize is that dating a minister is awesome: they are smart, well-educated, have good social skills and interesting careers, as well as having spiritual depth and personal character...and some of us are cute, too.

Posted by Also a Rev. | October 31, 2007 10:23 AM

Fnarf, when you squeeze your nipples, do they leak a bluish-grayish fluid that smells kind of like mineral oil? Or is that just me?

Posted by Leakage | October 31, 2007 10:28 AM

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