Celeb On Ellen….No Ellen???
posted by October 18 at 17:29 PMon
If you’re like me, a fat Midwestern stay-at-home mom, you depend on the antics of spunky dykes with optimistic attitudes to get you through your drab, suicidal late mornings/early afternoons. And that’s why you love, love, LOVE the Ellen DeGeneres. Love her! And by “you” I mean “me”, and by “me” I mean, MAN! How I love me some Ellen! From the frosted tips of her floppy dishwater bob to the ties on her tennies, every lesbionic inch of her is a Disneyland of delight! If it weren’t for Ellen? Why, I’d have gutted and devoured more than my share of hobos by now, believe you me. And when Ellen gets upset, I get upset. Fortunately for everyone, Ellen never gets upset. That’s her charm. Her appeal. Her cache. That is…it WAS, until earlier this week. But now she’s upset. Very upset. Very, very, very upset. And she’s so upset that she’s canceling tomorrow’s show to “take a long weekend,” in a desperate attempt to be un-upset. And now I’m upset. And you’re upset. And everybody’s upset! And why? WHY?
You know damn good and well why. The mean puppy lady.
I admit that when Ellen emerged piggy-eyed and sopping to open her show on Tuesday and launched into a soggy monologue that went a little something like this…
Well, at first, I thought for sure she was going to say something like I HAVE INCURRABLE CANCER of the EVERYTHING! or MY MOM’S HEAD EXPLODED AT BREAKFAST! or I’M ON FIRE! or BUSH HAS CLOSED THE BORDERS AND DECLARED MARTIAL LAW, RUN! or AN A-BOMB is HEADED THIS WAY, DON’T PANNIC, THERE’S NO POINT! but, no. Flipsy the cat hating puppy or whatever has been snatched from the arms of the hairdresser by the mean dog lady, and poor Ellen is SHATTERED. Shattered! And it’s all totally unnecessary, silly even, and it’s all one (if I may say, and I may) misguided, nasty (and Catholic-looking, if you ask me) biznatch’s fault.
Puppy saver? Doer of doggie good? Humanitarian? Psh. Anybody who makes Ellen THAT upset HAS to be in league with the ultimate evil. And now Ellen has CANCELLED HER SHOW tomorrow. No fricking puppy, no fricking Ellen, no fricking nothing, cholo.
Our course is clear. This puppy woman must be destroyed. Taken out. Extreme prejudice. Yesterday, if not sooner.
And we’ve been all worried about Iran.