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Thursday, October 25, 2007

It’s Your “Holy Shit! How Can it be THURSDAY Already!” Celebrity Report!

posted by on October 25 at 14:48 PM

My Powerbook ™ evaporated my Internet is “down” (fuuuuuuck YOU, COMCAST!), so we have so-called “scads” to cover. I hope you brought a sweater. It’s cold where were going.

God, please forgive me.

Our brave boys undercover have reported that celebrated she-hussy Reese Witherspoon and hopefully gay person Jake Gyllenhaal were spotted and/or seen holding each other’s so-called “hands” and even (innocent children, please! Shield thine eyes!) kissing and giggling and poking at each other inappropriately like the pair of carefree lovers they secretly are as they walked hand-in-hand (as I mentioned) through the twisty and cobbled streets of Rome. And I have comletely just forgotten why this story is relevant to anything or should be even slightly interesting to anyone anywhere, ever. Actually, it all kind of makes me sick. Sorry.

Pressing on…

Everything you’ve heard about the spooky devil worshiper “David Copperfield” is true. And what you’ve heard is that crack agents at the FBI are slowly piecing together a terrible “case” against the dark and wizardly magician for allegedly forcing his unwanted wand upon some protesting fan. The allegedly wanded fan, locally enough, is from Seattle, although the alleged wand-forcing took place elsewhere. (And by “wand” you know I mean “David Copperfield’s huge caramel penis”, right? Just checking.) But the tale gets much, much more twisted.

Sources so sourcey you can hardly tell the difference report that a sticky web of sexual intrigue was what David Copperfield shows were really about, and via a complex, highly technical system of walkie-talkies, secret code words, video cameras, a rather clever ruse and bunch of complicit staff members, David identified “AMHLTFs” (“Audience Members He’d Like to Fuck”), who where then plucked from the audience and profiled by his staff. Allegedly, if approved, the young (or old, you know, whatever) lady was whisked away for a magical broomstick ride, Copperfield-style. The FBI has confiscated everything the magician owns (especially those video cameras and walkie-talkies) looking for “evidence”. Satan, having abandoned his servant to his terrible fate, was dancing in the flames of Southern California, and was unavailable for comment. And I’m leaving out the Seattle “victim’s” name in this case for the sake of discretion. And because she’s my mom.

Where’s your dark God now, Copperfield?

And because it is inevitable, isn’t it: Courtney Love. (Why? WHY?) Well, now she’s been banned forever from (gasp!) Claridges in London, after trashing her room (yawn) and other predictable Courtney-ish shenanigans, and they say she even started a fire in her suite, and I believe it because, fuck. Courtney Love.

Lastly: Britney Spears was seen late last week being wonderful, just wonderful. “My! What a wonderful young lady—and SUCH and great MOTHER!” said Jesus Christ, O.L.A.S. (Our Lord and Savior), who was sandal shopping at Prada when he spotted her. “Why, I’m so glad I died for HER sins…TOTALLY worth it.”

We’re so glad too, Jesus. We’re so glad, too.

That is all.

RSS icon Comments

1

Thanks to you not being around much, I had to have a total stranger inform me about the David Copperfield fiasco. It spawned a shitty conversation about the shitty movie Terror Train. I am angry with you.

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 25, 2007 3:07 PM
2

72 words in one sentence, Adrian. Get a grip dude.

Posted by Lake | October 25, 2007 3:40 PM
3

Burn in hell, Lake.

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 25, 2007 3:50 PM
4

Leave GyllenSpoon ALONE!!!!!!!

Posted by michael strangeways | October 25, 2007 3:54 PM
5

spell check please

Posted by . | October 25, 2007 3:58 PM
6

i misspell on purpose. iorny.

Posted by adrian | October 25, 2007 4:08 PM
7

You are simply not writing enough on Slog, adrian! Don't make me get my news from some outlet like--I can't even think to type the name without my bowels moving.

Posted by J | October 25, 2007 4:47 PM
8

Adrian is the best thing on the Slog. Very.Funny.Writing.

Posted by TheTruthHurts | October 25, 2007 5:12 PM
9

hahaha go adrian

Posted by Amelia | October 25, 2007 6:26 PM
10

copperfield, he's yesterdays glowing shrimp, if someone would send that silly-pants criss angel to oblivion, or federal prision...ya'know out of sight out of mind, please.

Posted by pissy mcslogbot | October 25, 2007 6:57 PM
11

Ohh,
How I dooo loove that Adrian Ryan...
Witty, and I would suspect: ASD. (A Smart Dresser)

Posted by mimicava | October 25, 2007 11:41 PM
12

Incoherent.

Posted by S. M. | October 26, 2007 7:13 AM
13

"I'm incoherent on purpose. Art."

Posted by S. M. | October 26, 2007 7:15 AM
14

You're not an artist. You're an incoherent writer.

Posted by S. M. | October 26, 2007 7:16 AM
15

Thanks again Perez.

Posted by xyz | October 26, 2007 8:24 AM
16

Adrian... you ARE a great writer.... now what about Marie Osmond????

Posted by Marty | October 26, 2007 12:30 PM
17

Perez Hilton. LOL


Hey Amy Kate Horn: how many of the above I.P. addresses are from the same location (hah)

Posted by Lake | October 26, 2007 3:21 PM

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