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Monday, October 15, 2007

Assignment: Crash a Wedding

posted by on October 15 at 12:48 PM


Alexa, a Capitol Hill native, needed someone to go with her to a friend’s wedding because her ex was going to be there and she couldn’t stand the idea of running into him dateless. It didn’t matter to Alexa that I was 15 years younger than her: any man would do.

I showed up early at St. Joseph’s, a Catholic church on 18th and Aloha. There was a small crowd of thirtysomethings standing around on the lawn in the Saturday afternoon sun talking to eachother. I paced up and down the lawn looking for Alexa. I had forgotten what she looked like on her myspace profile and was starting to worry that she wouldn’t show. It felt weird being alone at a wedding so I faked a phone call. “Hi there,” I said to my cell phone. “Oh. Just at the wedding ha ha.”


Alexa arrived late, smoking a cigarette. We made pleasantries and hugged. By this time, the crowd was already starting to make their way into the church. Alexa introduced me to the groom. “This is my friend, Steven.” Alexa said. “We go way back.” We sat near the front of the church. Alexa looked around for her ex but he wasn’t there. “I really want to see that shit head,” she whispered to me.

The pastor was an 80-year-old man wearing a Britney Spears mic-headset. He talked on and on about all the divisiveness in America and then told the crowd he was overjoyed that “two Christians were getting married,” adding, “O what a blessing it is when two Christians come together in holy matrimony.” Alexa and I groaned, the bride and groom exchanged vows and I spent the rest of the ceremony plotting a failed escape to the bathroom.

I got hammered on Long Island Iced Teas at Rosebud with Alexa before the reception and I peed on some leaves in the parking lot of the Polytechnic building on Union and Broadway. Then Alexa and I wandered into the wrong wedding reception—a Jewish one with beautiful Chinese lanterns, free valet parking, and maybe one or two weak Christians.

Eventually we found the right reception. I drank more. We ate dinner. Alexa still couldn’t see her ex anywhere but seemed thankful that I was with her. Together, we danced to “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Brick House” in the center of the ballroom, surrounded by friends and family I did not know from Minneapolis and Buffalo. I got behind the bride and started dancing with her. “Who are you?!” she yelled over the music. “I’m Steven!” I yelled back at her.


Eventually, I got tired and I told Alexa I wanted to leave. I thought that my role was to make her ex jealous and without him there, what was the point of it all? Alexa punched me in the arm and told me I was being a pussy. Then she said “I told you I get happy when I’m drunk! This is me happy!” I preferred the unhappy Alexa. I left.

Steven Blum
Public Intern

RSS icon Comments


What if her ex showed up and shot you?

Posted by Mr. Poe | October 15, 2007 12:55 PM

I fake phone calls when I'm feeling alone and awkward too.

"Hey! *pause* Yeah, well you know. Oh, so what happened last night? *pause* Hahaha! You're so retarded. *pause* Yeah, well I'm just waiting for someone. *pause* No! Jesus! *pause* Okay okay, well I have to go now. Bye!"

Posted by Carollani | October 15, 2007 12:57 PM

Public Intern is over 21?

Who knew?

Posted by NapoleonXIV | October 15, 2007 12:58 PM

OMG, I was totally at that wedding!!

Posted by imaginary dana | October 15, 2007 12:58 PM

@2: That's probably the best reason anyone could pitch to me for getting a cellphone.

Posted by Gloria | October 15, 2007 12:59 PM

And there I was, thinking you were the coolest couple at the whole wedding!

Posted by Jimmy Legs | October 15, 2007 12:59 PM

That bride is totally adorable.

Posted by dr thompkins | October 15, 2007 1:02 PM

OMG, I was totally at that wedding!!

Posted by imaginary dana | October 15, 2007 1:03 PM

i totally caught you! and to think you almost got away with it!

hope you had a good time!

Posted by ingo - the pink-haired girl! | October 15, 2007 1:05 PM

I dislike the public intern.

Posted by Amelia | October 15, 2007 1:06 PM

that's a beautiful church.

i hate it when the priest talks at weddings. it's nice and emotional up until the pastor opens his mouth.

Posted by cale | October 15, 2007 1:07 PM

There's nothing worse than an officiant who takes the opportunity offered by a captive audience at a wedding to push their own personal agenda.

Save it for Sunday, dude. We're here for our friends and we don't give a shit about what your personal views on gay marriage, the lack of Christ in peoples' lives, or the joy of a submissive wife are. Just marry them so we can move on to the cake and dancing.

Posted by Jessica | October 15, 2007 1:18 PM

Steven, you are the greatest thing about Slog.

And that bride is beautiful and sweet. Awesome photo.

Posted by Gabriel | October 15, 2007 1:18 PM

am I the only one who sees 'public intern' as a sad imitation of the beloved 'stranger's worst enemy' column?
it was much funnier. bring back madrid, and crush her!

Posted by hmmmm | October 15, 2007 1:22 PM

Christian weddings are a sham because the Christian religion is nonsense. Judaism holds holy ceremonies under the huppa and Jewish tradition is strong among the bride and groom and those attending. It's fine to ridicule Christian marriages because they are stupid, however a Jewish marriage is a sacred moment.

Posted by Issur | October 15, 2007 1:23 PM



Posted by Mr. Poe | October 15, 2007 1:27 PM

I love the public intern.

Posted by kate | October 15, 2007 1:32 PM

The bride looks like she is doing that funny little dance Elaine does on Seinfeld, where she throws her thumbs back and does the leg kick.

Posted by Patrick | October 15, 2007 1:34 PM

Seattle can be such a small town...I was at the stop light at Union & Broadway when I saw you walk behind the concrete corner sign at the Polyclinic to pee and totally knew what you were up to (it's not called the Polytechnic, by the way).

Posted by jforrest | October 15, 2007 1:46 PM

The public intern rocks.

Posted by Michigan Matt | October 15, 2007 1:47 PM

I love the public intern, too.

Posted by Kate | October 15, 2007 1:59 PM

@14 - no, I see Public Intern as being what Our Worst Enemy always strived (strove?) to be, but failed. Steven's accounts of his adventures are totally charming, because he takes his tasks seriously and there's a humilty in his writing. Cienna always came off as being way too cool for whatever she was doing, which is very off-putting.

Super cute pic with the bride, BTW.

Posted by genevieve | October 15, 2007 2:00 PM

Oh public intern, I do enjoy your contributions to SLOG, but you've got much to learn. You weren't taken there to make a boyfriend jealous, or because any normal person NEEDS a date to a wedding in this day and age.

"So where is this ex I'm again?"

"Here, have a drink."

"I'm tired, think I'm gonna leave."

"Don't be a pussy! Have another drink. Stay."

Is it becoming clear yet?

P.S. That bride is really cute.

Posted by Dougsf | October 15, 2007 2:04 PM

The bride looks fantastic!

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 15, 2007 2:19 PM

Technically you were not crashing a wedding. You went as someone's guest who was a proper guest. That's so not crashing...or even that interesting.

Posted by Not a crasher | October 15, 2007 2:33 PM

You guys are really racist. She looks average and there's no reason for affirmative action cuteness points.

Posted by Jess | October 15, 2007 2:37 PM

I'm pretty sure race has nothing to do with it... She has huge tits.

Posted by Amelia | October 15, 2007 2:48 PM

@26 - you're an idiot. That bride is cute x infinity, and her dress is awesome.

Meant to say earlier that I went to a funeral service at that church a few months ago and the minister (definitely a different one than officiating this wedding) also spent a bunch of time going on about chistian this and christian that, which felt totally inappropriate for the occasion.

Posted by genevieve | October 15, 2007 2:49 PM

She's a fucking liar.

Posted by Blue Dress | October 15, 2007 2:53 PM

I'd hit that.

Posted by Abe Froman | October 15, 2007 2:53 PM

Gloria, don't get one of those "cell" phones.

Speaking as a life member of the 'in' crowd, when a non-member of the 'in' crowd (or "loser" as we call them) shows up , our hostility to the loser actually increases if they talk on their phone. It's way cooler to shut your phone off and be like "If they need to talk to me so bad, let them find me. Right now I have bidness with the 'in' crowd."

No, that doesn't mean we will accept you; you're a loser after all. But we will at least not have even greater contempt for you. Hopefully this will be helpful to anyone out there who is feeling alone or awkward. Cheers!

Posted by elenchos | October 15, 2007 3:02 PM

Jewish weddings are a sham because the Jewish religion is nonsense. Christianity holds holy ceremonies with the unity candle and stephana and Christian tradition is strong among the bride and groom and those attending. It's fine to ridicule Jewish marriages because they stupid, however a Christian marriage is a sacred moment.

Posted by Russi | October 15, 2007 3:07 PM

29... whaaa?

Posted by Amelia | October 15, 2007 3:07 PM


Yeah, I caught that quite some time ago - I think I even made mention of the comparison in an early "Public Intern" Slog comment, but regardless, OWE seems to have long fallen by the wayside, so props to PI for picking up the torch!

And @26:

ALL brides are super-cute on their wedding day, even if it's the ONLY DAY in their entire lives that they are.

Posted by COMTE | October 15, 2007 3:34 PM

Hey, what happened to the bride/intern dancing pic?!?!?

Posted by hank | October 15, 2007 4:17 PM

Hey, wha happen to the bride/intern dancing pic?!?!?

Posted by hank | October 15, 2007 4:19 PM

Somebody pussed out, that's what. Sheeit

Posted by Fyodor Zulinski | October 15, 2007 4:29 PM

Alexa sounds a bit like an alcoholic trainwreck. No wonder she had to solicit the Public Intern in order to get someone to go with her.

Posted by derek | October 15, 2007 4:44 PM

Dang. And the bride pic was the best part!

Posted by Will in Seattle | October 15, 2007 5:10 PM

@ Russi... Thanks for that. I can't stand Issur!

Posted by matt | October 15, 2007 5:45 PM

Man, Steven, you make me sound pretty bad.
I don't recall saying "any man would do;" I thought that inviting you would be silly and interesting, and it was! And insofar as I am not an alcoholic, "trainwreck" can be used to describe some parts of my life. Which are over. So don't judge too quickly.
It was a rockin' wedding! I didn't want Steven to leave
because we hit it off, the Intern is rad! But he had another assignment that night. He wasn't there to make my ex jealous, just to be a date. C'mon, it's
not high school anymore!
Yes the bride is wonderful and gorgeous.
They are a fantastic couple.
Steven, your article is kind of sour. What's up with that?
ps: To the ex... I don't remember calling you a shithead. And now everyone thinks I'm an asshole.
Go figure. Whatever.

Posted by alexa responds. | October 15, 2007 6:06 PM


Posted by Mr. Poe | October 15, 2007 6:42 PM

awww, I really like the Public Intern. Pretty sure I saw him at Sephora in University Village on Sunday...not sure why, maybe on assignment? he seemed deep in discussion with one of the scary women that work there.

the ducks one is still my favorite, haha.

and that bride IS beautiful! i'm sure she's just as beautiful on other days too.

Posted by anonymouse | October 15, 2007 6:42 PM

Alexa --

Don't worry, you're not an asshole!!! This was a great idea; don't second guess yourself.

Posted by Lake | October 15, 2007 7:41 PM

The public intern has a lot of balls to go grinding with the bride at her wedding. Where was the groom during all this?

Posted by hotdog in the bun | October 15, 2007 9:48 PM

I didn't think the article made Alexa sound all that bad.

(compared to @41, anyway)

Posted by brent | October 16, 2007 4:56 AM

@45 - That's not have to dance a lot closer to "grind". Which I actually think is impossible at most weddings given that wedding gowns are typically too full to get close enough to do anything wildly inappropriate.

But who knows? Maybe the pic I'm looking at is the clean version?

Posted by eight cups of water | October 16, 2007 7:17 AM

I believe this is one of the most offensive acts I have seen in a while. A Catholic wedding can be one of the most sacred and beautiful moments for the couple and the families involved.

By the way -- Seahawks Suck!

Posted by Get a Life | October 16, 2007 5:30 PM

Wow, such passionate, involved responses! Steven, thanks for coming to the wedding and hopefully enjoying yourself. It's a shame that the spirit of the ceremony was lost in the brief, edited recap though, from the perspective and context of a "wedding crasher." To our friends who attended (gay, straight, athiest, agnostic and lapsed Catholic friends with knowledge of our family histories and such), the priest's greeting and subsequent words may have been more relevant and welcoming. The priest who officated often speaks of sexual and religious inclusion, social justice, and tolerance, we wouldn't have chosen him otherwise.

To #12, yes I agree with you. However, the ceremony WAS held in a church, one could expect some discussion of religion. If you were invited as a guest, you would have received encouragement from the groom and I to skip the ceremony. Had the ceremony been held in a park with an officiant hired off The Knot, different story altogether.

To @27, 'tis true. My Vietnamese mother suggested that I wear something a bit lowcut because I have, what she thinks is a "short neck."

To @26, I'm black and Asian, does that mean that the Stranger killed 2 affirmative action birds with one stone? So efficient!

And the whereabouts of the ex-boyfriend, one of my best friends and avowed athiest? He'll be reading this in an internet cafe in Thailand, pleased that his romantic essence can still cause incidents and accidents.

Steven, had you stuck around for 30 more minutes, you would have been gifted with one of 25 bottles of extra champagne. Oh youth!

Posted by Weezie | October 16, 2007 5:46 PM

Man, I can't think of anything RUDER than REVIEWING SOMEONE'S WEDDING. geez. a wedding is NOT supposed to be a random event where a random person has random fun. it is for the celebration of PEOPLE ONE KNOWS. so what if you didn't have fun? what an asshole!

Posted by what an asshole | October 16, 2007 8:23 PM


I really don't like this guy anymore.

Posted by John | October 16, 2007 8:49 PM

The only time I get really drunk is at weddings - no one ever cares - such a mood.

Congrats, and yes the bride is a yummy dish to these lezzie eyes.

Posted by Karla | October 17, 2007 3:31 AM

I was the "best man" at the wedding, and I have to say it was once of the best weddings I've been to - the ceremony was very short and succinct, the pastor was kindly and humorous, and everybody was there to celebrate and have fun. Most of the comments here are pretty nice; yes Elizabeth has been super-cute every time I've seen her, and seeing that her sister and mother are also very cute, I'm sure she'll still be cute for a long time to come.

@11, @12: What the heck do you expect the pastor to talk about in a Catholic Church? D'ya really think he's going to skip over the Christian bit? He kept it short so there was nothing to complain about.

Anyway Steven, I thought your article was a funny and entertaining bit o' fluff. A little silliness makes the world go 'round.

Posted by Chris | October 17, 2007 7:27 AM

BEST WEDDING EVER. We almost took down the KofC pogoing in unison to Cheap Trick for the last song, Weezie in the middle of the floor (where she spent a good portion of the evening because she *is* ROCK) feet bare, screaming Surrender. Transcendent. Everyone looked great and had a sincerely fantastic time! And I met THE most gorgeous young man...

Posted by Brendan T. | October 17, 2007 12:52 PM

I was at the wedding, what a blast. A few things come to mind here, and not to be mean spirited but jesus christ, that blog was terrible. Does he suppose himself to be a writer? It's not funny, it's not witty, it's not well written, but it is rather depressing. What a little runt (see photos) and my fucking god get a life; has he never been to a wedding? Well, I guess that would involve receiving an invitation so the chances may be slim to none. Going "undercover" at an illegal gambling joint might make a semblance of sense - but a wedding? And to take a stranger up on an invitation to go to...a wedding? Does he not have anything better to do? Did he really think that would provide "amazing" content for a blog? And the phone with his "invisible" friend, how seriously sad. I also must mention the woman who invited him. Seriously, how can one be so desperate as to have to invite a total stranger to a wedding? Clearly these two were really the perfect match. Seeing them I thought, quite literally, that she was the mother or aunt, and he was the retarded child. I'm not joking. Apparently I wasn't far off.

Posted by Matt | October 17, 2007 9:08 PM

what the fuck is your problem #55? I think it's hilarious that "the woman" invited a not really a stranger, more like a public stranger, to be her date.
you really don't know how to live life, do you?
hope something good is on t.v. for you tonight,
you dull couch potato. get over yourself.

Posted by whatEVER! | October 18, 2007 5:29 PM

Geez. Hope there's not this much press around my nuptuals, but then I don't really have the tits for it. Or the Black part. Or the Asian thing. Does Polish count?

Posted by Renee | October 18, 2007 10:26 PM

#55 - your comments make no sense. But, no, I don't know how to live. However, I'm learning; I'm currently trying to find a wedding to get invited to. Or maybe, if I somehow miracously get invited to a wedding, then I can invite a stranger! That would be a-m-a-z-i-n-g!

Posted by Matt | October 18, 2007 10:40 PM

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