When Rotting is Simply NOT an Option!
posted by on September 11 at 10:19 AM
Are you dead and just don’t know what to do with yourself? Does your weird fucking religion prevent your corpse from being cremated? Are dead people taking up all the best real estate? Junking up your storage space? Littering your lawn? Don’t you wish there was a solution?
There is!
By the good grace of God, technology has finally caught up with market demand and today, you have a new, improved, attractive and cost effective option that is proving to be a popular and more practical option than either burial or cremation.That option is Compacting.
Yes, the man said COMPACTING. Click here, and compact YOUR dignity, today!
Oh, gods. Did you see the head? The weird molded head recreation of your loved one that fits on your mantlepiece like you'd left their severed head lying there? With their own hair? Aiiieeeegh.
YUMMYY!! Love the tap water I am drinking right now!!! And I live right next to a cemetary... Wait......
hahaha, good joke.
Truer words were never spoke.
"Passing away now makes better financial sense for everyone."
Not true. Passing away has ALWAYS made good financial sense.
CREEPY! The head will linger in my mind... dammit.
"We take quality compacting seriously."
I should hope so.
"From our experience, nothing is halal, not even things that are kosher, which is literally the exact same thing."
...
165 Elm Street
.......
Oh god.
"We are sorry if these, our thirty thousand tons of mortal tamping has come to you at an inopportune time, but these are random matters and we apologize sincerely for your great loss. We wish the very best for you and the ones you love the most, even inasmuch as those are the ones condensed to the most reduced displacement factor. We wish no offense and are not suggesting any affront."
Note to self: Next time I play hockey, examine the puck closely.
Gloria beat me to it.
"...leaving no traceable footprint on the environment," so, that's a good thing. but what does it look like, i wonder (shudder).
I prefer to become LifeGem., and go out in style.
tsm, that. is. FABULOUS. i'm dying today!
@12 and 13--
My friend's niece asked her grandma (who LOVES diamonds) if they could turn her into a diamond after she died. She loved the idea. Me? I'm getting her antique leopard skin jacket with ermine collar.
That head is a huge sculpture by the Bristish artist Ron Mueck...There is no way that is real...I think this might be bullshit...
Hmmm... I think I'd rather be dropped in the middle of a busy highway. Kind of like Mr. Highway in The Good Son.
You all know this is a well thought-out joke, right? I hope so.
this looks shopped.
"I can tell from some of the pixels and from seeing quite a few shops in my time."
Very droll.
p.s. The Vatican proscribed cremation from 1886 to 1963, possibly in reaction to presumed Masonic conspiracies behind the growing cremation movement.
Keeping the hockey puck on the mantle would still violate Catholic teaching, for reasons I won't even attempt to elucidate.
Whaddya looking at, ya hockey pucks!
Shuffleboard, anyone?
I'd like to have an imprint of my dad's remains in my jeans pocket like a can of chaw...wait a minute, how big is that thing?
it's a fake...there is no 165 elm st in tulsa...and who puts up a big ol website without a single phone number?
Whoising finds it's run by the folks who do insulting.com, who also run www.victimsofchildren.com, www.frenchmercenaries.com, www.puppyprofits.com, and www.medicaladoptions.com.
nah, I'd rather go Tibetan style, eaten by vultures.
What a shame this is fake. After the ad described it as a "tasteful" alternative, I had a beautiful dream of getting my body pressed into small cartoon shapes, getting them candy-coated, and placing them in bright packaging which would be slipped by a good friend onto an as of yet undecided retail shelf.
this is really great news for us. we've had her body in the back room now for 3 years... her body is just too big and we need the room. nice to know there is a way that we can reduce her size and still enjoy her presence as we always have.
awesome
this is really great news for us. we've had grandmas body in the back room now for 3 years... her body is just too big and we need the room. nice to know there is a way that we can reduce her size and still enjoy her presence as we always have.
awesome
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