If you go to hell, the ring tones will not be free, and they will come with complimentary spam and a quality of -666kbps. Enjoy.

In hell, the only ring tone available is Mariah Carrey singing Dream Lover.

And your only choices will be either Brittney Spears, Lil' Kim, or Hoobastank...

Though Hoobastank will not be a popular decision, for hell will already be playing their "music" 24/7.

And in Heaven it will all be Gridncore and John Zorn and basking in the light of christ. And Virgins.

And when you get there, Jonathan Moore will shake your hand at the pearly gates and you'll smell like cocoa butter for all of eternity.

And you will be handed a broken, truckless, crappy-ass skateboard with your favorite Psalm scribbled on the grip tape. Amen.

The one thing that bothered me about European television many years ago when I would visit was the constant commercials for ring tones. The ads were very fast paced and would repeat the number over and over and over again. In fact I think I learned to recognize a little bit of German, Italian and Dutch from ring tone commercials. Well now those same commercials are making their way to American television. Prepare to be VERY annoyed.