In honor of the 826 mustache-a-thon (briefly—bunches of people, like me, are growing mustaches so other people, like maybe you, will give money to 826 Seattle, the writing and tutoring center for kids), I’d hoped to find a bunch of great mustache facts to post.

Guess what? There aren’t any. Not any a person could trust.

There’s this outrageous claim:

Scientific research, commissioned by the Guinness Brewing Company, found that the average mustachioed Guinness drinker traps a pint and a half of the creamy nectar every year. Now that Guinness is £2.10 a pint, this is the equivalent of an annual moustache tax of £4.58.

And this one:

In August 2007, following a widely publicized case in which the Supreme Court upheld a trial lawyers right to veto a juror on upper-lip hair alone, The American Moustache Institute, a U.S. pressure group launched a campaign to counter prejudice against their members.

But they sound like lies.

Anyway: donate!