In his newest book “If I Did It Again”, OJ Simpson explains precisely how he WOULD have hypothetically committed armed robbery in Las Vegas last week, had he actually DONE it, which, of course, he says he didn’t. Publisher’s are already raking in big figures on the 26-page, high-color pop-up, and have contracted the huge fucking liar (a filthy murderer who will sizzle like a sausage in hell’s deepest frying pan) to author three more books, “If I Did It Again, Again” and “If I Didn’t Do It, I Fucking Should Have”, and “Did I Do It? I Just Don’t Know Anymore!”, which will detail crimes OJ hasn’t denied committing so far to date, and, according to a random spokesperson, “perhaps even a few crimes that haven’t been invented yet.” These crimes may include, but are not limited to, felony mass date rape committed with a stolen vehicle, and impersonating an innocent man. Nicole Brown Simpson’s tortured shade was screaming, screaming, screaming for justice from the horrible limbo in which she lingers, and could not be reached for comment.

Amber Alert! In a completely cra-zazy! scheme to keep custody of her chilens and piss off her skanky ex-husband, Britney Spears suddenly stuffed her two young boys back up into her uterus and is currently holding them hostage there. “Y’all want ‘em? Y’all gonna haveta crawl up there and take ‘em, bitches!”, she said before crossing her legs for the first time in her life. Experts agree that those kids are gonenrs. Strangely, having two good-sized toddlers crammed up inside her body cavity has failed to make her body look any worse. Chris Crocker could not be reached for comment. Thank fucking God.

In an apparently successful attempt to retrieve her recently and mysteriously stolen “Diamond’s are a Girl’s Best Friend” dress, veteran mummy Carol Channing rose from the dead. According to a source: “She was covered in dirt…she was slurring ‘Myyyyyy drrrraaaaaayyyyyesssssssh….I waaaaaant myyyyyyyyyy DRAAAAYYYYYYYESSSSSSSSHHHHHHHH!’, and she just sort of slumped off into the night…” Other eyewitnesses report seeing Zombie Carol Channing again just before dawn, apparently returning to her grave and in possession of the missing rhinestone-spangled Bob Mackie gown. “The curse that caused her corpse to rise is clearly graven on her tombstone,” reports a graveside kook. “See these hieroglyphs here, and here? Translated, they say, ‘Screw with Carol Channing and Her Corpse Will Rise from Hell and Fuck You Up Good.’ It’s fairly standard—-there’s a similar curse on the grave of Ronald Reagan.” And the thieves? “We think she ate them.”

Finally: Madonna has turned into such a big honkin’ Jew that Iran is amassing its troops along her borders. “What do the Iranian people have to do with Madonna?”, asks the Iranian president or whatever. “Why must she be forced upon us? She is a threat to our way of life, and, uh, Evita never happened anyway! It is a lie concocted by the UN to destroy us!”

If only, Mr. Iranian president or whatever. If only.