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Thursday, September 20, 2007

Who’s Who in Darth Cheney Land?

posted by on September 20 at 9:55 AM

I seem to recall more than a few Star Wars geeks lurking in our comments. You guys want to try your hands at this?

Yesterday Hillary Clinton referred to Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. That immediately raised questions among what Ben Smith calls “a small subset of political junkies who are also Star Wars geeks.” They tell him that if Cheney is Darth Vader then…

…a couple of things are clear:

George Bush is Emperor Palpatine.

Before he became evil, Dick Cheney was a great and good Jedi. (Possibly during the Gerald Ford administration. Was this reported at the time?) And in his final act, he redeems himself by taking down the Emperor. (Still time?)

And who’s Hillary? Bill is obviously Han Solo, and so I guess you have to say Leia, though I’m struggling to make that work.

Sound right to you guys?

RSS icon Comments


Chewy. Duh.

Posted by SeattleExile | September 20, 2007 10:08 AM

Donald Trump is clearly Jabba the Hut.

Posted by Gurldoggie | September 20, 2007 10:11 AM

Hillary is indeed Leia, who as we know fights along side her lover Han during the original movies and then becomes a primary leader of the "New Republic" in the post-"Jedi" era chronicled in the various novels and comic books of the franchise's "extended universe."

During this time, Leia gives speeches encouraging moderation while Han and Luke (Bill and Rahm?) go off to fight back the remaining fragments of the Empire (Haliburton) with the help of Ewoks (Code Pink), Droids (TPMmedia), and Wookies (VoteVets).

Posted by Auburn's Finest | September 20, 2007 10:16 AM

Kucinich is an Ewok. No, really.

Posted by mjg | September 20, 2007 10:16 AM

So...that means that Don Rumsfeld is Grand Moff Tarkin, right? And Al Gore is a sort of Lando Calrissian? I'd be interested to hear what Charles has to say about all of this...

Posted by Hernandez | September 20, 2007 10:22 AM

Erik Prince is Boba Fett

Posted by gavingourley | September 20, 2007 10:23 AM

And Mary Cheney as R2D2, with special guest star Jeff Gannon as C3PO

Posted by Boomer in NYC | September 20, 2007 10:29 AM

@5: No, Obama is Lando. I would have thought that was obvious!

Posted by T | September 20, 2007 10:30 AM

Hey you guys, it really hurts when I have to roll my eyes that far back into my head.

Just sayin.

Posted by monkey | September 20, 2007 10:39 AM

No Star Wars analogy works because in reality, all these people are raving dicks. And Bush is no Palpatine. And Cheney was never a good guy. It just doesn't work.
Which is funny because the new Star Wars movies tried to make an analogy for the Bush years in the political situations. The emperor did ascend to power by getting a willing senate to vote away freedom in exchange for a promise of security.
If you make Cheney Palpatine and Bush Vader, it almost works. Bush was never a good guy, but like Vader, he was a childish, easily manipulated, petulant dumbfuck.
But the Star Wars heroes? No one in power is scrupulous enough to qualify even for Han Solo status. Sorry, folks.

Posted by christopher | September 20, 2007 10:41 AM

bill clinton can't be han solo!! he was before the if we are in the new trilogy...maybe chancellor valorum? just an idea...or maybe obi wan...a leader in the old republic who is biding his time to return to fight? but han solo has to be a new figure in this fight...someone without history in the old republic...maybe barack obama could be han solo.

how bout hillary as Mon Mothma?

Posted by Jiberish | September 20, 2007 10:48 AM

i'm surprised no one has mentioned that this would also make hillary cheney's daughter.
(and therefore a lesbian? hmm.. maybe there is something to this...)

Posted by chops | September 20, 2007 10:56 AM

Best comment thread ever.

Posted by Scottie | September 20, 2007 10:58 AM

Chelsea Clinton= Chewy

Posted by Joselito | September 20, 2007 11:01 AM

Either way, the Emperor has made a critical error and the time for our attack has come.

Many bloggers died while bringing us this information.

Posted by Original Andrew | September 20, 2007 11:04 AM

Will you please just go ask Mudede who's who and leave us out of this.

Posted by Lucas | September 20, 2007 11:17 AM

Hillary, undoubtedly, would have to be Belia Darzu.

Posted by You_Gotta_Be_Kidding_Me | September 20, 2007 11:20 AM

Hmmm....I can't believe I'm getting into this...but...

Senator Palpatine was masterfully manipulative, intelligent, and well-informed.

Does that *really* sound like President Dubbya Bush? Mr. "I dont have time to read the paper"?

Quite clearly, Bush is Jar-Jar.

Posted by Toby | September 20, 2007 11:22 AM

@8 - I was operating under the Bill Clinton as Han Solo premise.

Posted by Hernandez | September 20, 2007 11:24 AM

Petraus= Admiral Ackbar
Larry Craig= Jar Jar
Iraq = Sarlac Pit
Nickels = Gommorean Gaurd
Obama= Yoda
Republican Congressmen= Rancor

Posted by el Rutherford | September 20, 2007 11:49 AM

Ok, enough of this nonsense.

The Emperor is Bush Sr.-He created Vader/Bush. Nuff said.

Bush is Vader. He's an evil fuck but in his heart, he means well. However, those good intentions are only meant to help people in a different ideological and economic bracket than the rest of us.

Cheney is Grand Moff Tarkin. He's got Bush /Vader on a short leash, and he's pulling a lot of strings behind the scenes.

Hillary is Princess Leia. Headstrong, a leader, and a bit obnoxious. Plus, I think Leia had a similar health plan for the rebellion. And yes, Bill is totally Han Solo.

Obama is Luke. Young, dashing, inexperienced, idealistic and yet to have his soul shattered by the empire.

Obi-Wan: Al Gore. He's old, occasionally bearded and has been out of the politics/Jedi game for years. Maybe he'll get back in the fight and take one for the team, just like Old Ben.

Dennis Kucinich is Chewie. The lovable, indecipherable sidekick that'll never get a medal for helping blow up the Death Star. Which is total bullshit.

Now lets never speak of this again.

Posted by Jonah S | September 20, 2007 12:05 PM

i'm so fucking sick of star wars. people: IT'S NOT EVEN THAT GOOD.

could we use Dune as an analogy instead?

how about this: Osama Bin Laden is Paul Atreides, the Fremen are the Muslim Horde, the Oil Industry is the Spacing Guild...

Posted by maxsolomon | September 20, 2007 12:12 PM

Hilary is NO princess, she's obviously a wookie!

Posted by josh bomb | September 20, 2007 12:24 PM

I would argue that shrub is in fact Tarkin, a leader so inept and clueless that he spends a gazillion galatic credits building a military instillation that can be blown to smithereens by a single photonic torpedo.

Also, he and Peter Cushing, who protrayed Tarkin in the first film, both have that scrawny chicken-neck thing going.

That would make more sense with the Cheny/Vader analogy, IMM.

Additionally, I would suggest that David Lesar, CEO & Chairman of the Board of Halliburton, would fit nicely into the Emperor Palpatine slot.

And Alan Greenspan would of course be Yoda: short, wizzened, hairy ears, given to spewing seemingly obscure, nonsensical utterances that others endlessly parse for the tiny nuggets of whisdom they might contain.

Posted by COMTE | September 20, 2007 12:28 PM

Isn't Obi-Wan Jimmy Carter? At some point, Obi-Wan, Like Carter, pussed out. But, when he comes back years later he's a stone-cold motherfucker and finally sticks it to the Dark Side.

Posted by slight correction | September 20, 2007 12:33 PM

@10 and @21 are the closest.

I like Bush Sr. as the Sith Lord. And Gore as Obi-Wan.

Obama WISHES he was Luke. I think Luke is still in hiding on Tatooine and has yet to reveal himself.

Karl Rove is Boba Fett, the (character) assassin.

Jimmy Carter, the elder statesman and Nobel laureate, is Yoda.

Posted by Mahtli69 | September 20, 2007 12:35 PM

Am I really the only one who sees Hillary as Queen Whatever-the-Hell-her-name-is, the one Natalie Portman played in that awful movie with the Jamaican-accented mutant merchandising opportunity.

Mother of the real Queen. Chelsea's day will come!

...definitely Gore as Obi-Wan.

Posted by Geni | September 20, 2007 12:41 PM

Geni @ 27,

I think her name was Queen Amigdala or something. And she was democratically elected which begs the question of who the hell elects a 17 queen, and how does one run for "queen" in the first place.

The catfights over the makeup and wardrobe during the primaries must be intense.

BTW if you watch the new Star Wars movies in Spanish on the DVDs, they're really quite good. Especially if you only catch every third word or so.

Posted by Original Andrew | September 20, 2007 1:04 PM

Norway elected its monarch, and i swear to god, the daughter of this king named her daughter Leia, so Norway has a real Princess Leia

Posted by vooodooo84 | September 20, 2007 1:19 PM

These are all fantastic arguments, but Jonah S is obviously correct.

But we overlooked something here: who's Jar-Jar Binks? This is important people.

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | September 20, 2007 1:24 PM

jar jar is John Gibson, annoying, stupid and even his "friends" hope he gets run over by a bus

Posted by vooodooo84 | September 20, 2007 1:43 PM

Andrew, I love the Queen Amygdala reference. She's the filter for emotions! That explains her total lack of affect!

Posted by Geni | September 20, 2007 1:48 PM

@ All the people referencing the newer, shittier trilogy: Let's just ignore it and maybe it'll go away. Saying Jar Jar's name gives him power.

Props to whoever said Boba Fett is Karl Rove.

Ginsberg can't be Yoda. Oprah is Obama's Yoda.

Posted by Jonah S | September 20, 2007 2:04 PM

Geni @ 32,

She also may be involved in facial recognition and the fear response.

Score, Queen Amigdala!

Posted by Original Andrew | September 20, 2007 2:04 PM

@26: you beat me to it. Rove is Fett.

And you guys? It's Queen Amidala. First name Padme, last name Amidala. No 'G' anywhere. I can't believe you made me reference the later trilogy. My head hurts.

Posted by Jessica | September 20, 2007 3:00 PM


(1) Norway's King was not elected. The Norwegian people voted to have a king, then a committee offered the post to him. There wasn't a ballot with three potential kings on it...

(2) Leah Isadora Behn is the daughter of Norway's Princess Martha Louise. Leah is not a member of the royal family, not a princess and not in line for the throne due to Princess Martha Louise's choice of spouse.

Just the facts.

Posted by Odin | September 20, 2007 3:23 PM

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