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Sunday, August 12, 2007

The Jackass Mormon Vs. The Dieting Christian

posted by on August 12 at 12:30 PM

So. The Iowa Straw Poll. Every major news story seems to be straining itself trying to prove that the results mean absolutely nothing, but that’s not exactly true, because if you read further down any news page, you’ll find a secondary story with a headline that goes something like: “blah-blah-blah-Huckabee-blah-blah-Surprise.”

This is some dangerous shit.

It’s dangerous because Mike Huckabee is a terrifically underestimated force in the Republican race. I’ve been scared of him since the very beginning, and I think he’s going nowhere but up after being declared First Loser to Romney yesterday.

Why did Huckabee come in second in Iowa? Well, besides the Elvis impersonator and the (by all accounts) barn-burner of a speech he made right before the polling, I think that maybe some good-old-fashioned religious intolerance helped him out.

Huckabee’s got a history of slyly using religious intolerance as a weapon. And since everyone was positive that Romney had bought the straw poll, I’d be willing to bet that a lot of Iowa Christians were getting a little nervous that a Mormon was going to hijack their Family Values Party. And so Huckabee didn’t have to spend money that he didn’t have on the straw poll: Christians were going to spend it themselves.

And it’s obvious that Huckabee is the only Red-State-Jesus-approved candidate: he’s a goddamned baptist minister, for Christ’s sake. He doesn’t believe in evolution, every other word out of his mouth is a prayer of some sort, and he’s not creepy like Brownback or any of the other fear-mongering jellyfish in the Republican race.
The big question is: what does he do with this win? If he’s smart—and that’s a big if—he’ll get a really good second-hand man. This Rove-in-training will then convince the Huckster to downplay the religious stuff for a while. What will he replace it with? Cogent policies? The strength of his convictions? Of course not. Be serious. The drum that Huckabee should start relentlessly banging on is his diet book. I’m convinced that the majority of people don’t elect politicians for who they are; they elect them for the stories that they tell. And, as US Weekly and People Magazine prove week after week, America loves a good diet story. The fat guy who gets thin—especially with a twelve-step plan that he created—and then starts a rock band is the kind of guy that a lot of Americans will want to have a beer with. And you know the kind of trouble that hypothetical beer can cause.

After my cocktail hour with Republicans, I’m not convinced that Romney is going to come out on top—Giuliani still seems to be their man, albeit half-assedly—but Huckabee, with this kind of a platform, can do some serious name-making. We’ve all been so busy laughing at the Republicans that we’ve forgotten the Christians. I expect to see much more from Huckabee in the coming months, and I don’t think I’m going to like one goddamned bit of it.

RSS icon Comments

1

For me the real news is the 40% reduction in Republican turnout: 14,304 down from 23,685 in 1999 (the last Straw Poll; there wasn't one in 2003, because the nomination wasn't contested). If Republicans are turning out in Iowa, they're in trouble. I hope Huckabee does get the nomination; he'll get beat worse than Goldwater or McGovern. It might destroy the Republican Party.

Posted by Fnarf | August 12, 2007 1:26 PM
2

I don't think that Huckabee will ultimately get the nomination, but I think he'll get some prominence and a credible platform: the last thing this election needed was the Religious Right finding a spokesman within the Republican Party. I was hoping they'd be forced to form another party (The Christies?) when their party froze out Huckabee or Brownback from the start. This Huckabee 2nd-place thing will give him just enough credibility to make him dangerous.

Posted by Paul Constant | August 12, 2007 1:42 PM
3

the "christians"?

i think the word you are looking for is fundamentalists, but congrats on being brave enough to show your religious intolerance.

Posted by mike | August 12, 2007 1:43 PM
4

You're afraid of the Religious Right finding a spokesman in the Republican Party? Get out your time machine, you need to get back to 1968. The Religious Right IS the Republican Party. The primaries are about pandering or not pandering to the nuts.

Posted by Fnarf | August 12, 2007 1:54 PM
5

Yes, mike @3. Paul Constant @2 is NOT showing religions intolerance. "Christian" is a perfectly good and respectable word, which has been hijacked by the Nazi-politico-pseudo-religious people that you prefer to call "fundamentalists". The word "Christian" in connection with Republican politics, or most other politics, refers to these pasty-faced Talibaners.

Posted by sorry mike | August 12, 2007 1:57 PM
6

I'm filled with religious intolerance. It's okay, Paul. You're not alone.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 12, 2007 2:02 PM
7

Fnarf, I think that the one thing you could say about the Republicans this time was that it wasn't a Christ-fest: Giuliani can barely speak the name of the Lord without bursting into flames. The Christians (and, yes, Mike, I feel like saying Christians in conjunction with a story about Republicans is enough of a modifier; if you're offended by that as a Christian, you need to do something about the hijacking of your religion) were feeling frustrated this time because of a lack of a voice, what with all the divorcees and abortion-lovers and Mormons. Granted, presidential candidates--of both parties--will always have to bow before crucifixes, but the people who put Bush in office (besides Diebold execs) were without a solid, consolidated voice until yesterday. I think that's just changed.

Posted by Paul Constant | August 12, 2007 2:12 PM
8

But Paul, that's not going to be enough. The kooks can't elect a president out of their own; all they can do is tilt an otherwise tight contest. This isn't a tight contest. The Reilgious Right at this point has two choices: they can go with their guy Huckabee and get creamed, or they can back whatever other miserable cur get nominated, and get beat by less.

If you want to permanently split the Republican Party, let them pick Huckabee. Then the kooks will be cast out, and they can go off into the wilderness where they belong, and stop poisoning American politics. The remaining Republicans will be a fringe party, but maybe they can build themselves back up into proper Americans, and we'll be back in a situation where electing any of them won't be a disaster for the United States. There's no chance at all of that happening until the kooks get their brains beat out.

That's the way I see it, anyways. I'd like to see Pat Robertson get the R nomination myself.

Posted by Fnarf | August 12, 2007 2:22 PM
9

Fnarf, I think we are agreed, sir. I also think that we should form the Northwest Chapter of Pat Robertson for President. I'll bring the Doritos to our first meeting!
Mr. Poe, I thank you for being my partner in religious intolerance. There will be Doritos waiting for you at the PR08 Headquarters, located in scenic SeaTac.

Posted by Paul Constant | August 12, 2007 2:34 PM
10

Fox News is ignoring Ron Paul:
Fox News Censors Straw Poll Results

Posted by Chris Brunner | August 12, 2007 2:40 PM
11

I'm not quivering like Paul is, but he does have a point.

There's still over a year before the election. There's plenty to hope to fear in between.

Things we don't expect at all are going to hatch out and really change things for Election 2008, just like they kinda have almost every election in U.S. history before.

Posted by matthew fisher wilder | August 12, 2007 2:56 PM
12

Yeah, Ron Paul is gonna get Bill Bradley'ed.

Posted by matthew fisher wilder | August 12, 2007 2:57 PM
13

So Huckabee took second. Whoop-di-do. Only 19% of Republicans are happy about their choices, and given the minuscule size of the sample, I don't think it's all that representative of the party as a whole. I have a pretty good feeling that come Election Day, no matter who gets nominated, lots of Republicans will stay home and console themselves with thoughts about how it's good to be in the opposition.

Posted by Gitai | August 12, 2007 3:01 PM
14

for some here - this is mis placed feel good day

wait for the anti Hilary push - you think they are going to sit home and read the Bible?

political never never land at Slog

by the way, Washington R's already wanted Pat for pres, a few years back, not so stranger

long ways to the election and I do not think the cabal will cede power easily

but fnarf thinks it is over - well - by the way, the fundies will vote for Romney over Hilary

As a hold you nose at many elections, but vote, progressive Democrat, I know the feeling

Posted by Essex | August 12, 2007 3:37 PM
15

The Huckabee sort-of win is interesting, but you're "scared" of him? If he won the Republican nomination, I'd dance a wee jig. No way that guy's electable.

Posted by Mr Me | August 12, 2007 6:46 PM
16

@9

Score! We all know what Doritos do!

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 12, 2007 6:58 PM
17

Romney will be the nominee - think about a campaign where Hilary's secret life is on video and made public 8 weeks out - by former secret service agents ...

He is squeaky clean, good looking with five sons to prove his masculinity/virility. Same wife, nice potential first lady, no infidelity.

And he will have ALL the money he can spend. Corporate America and mainstream folk will fund him against Hilary.

Posted by Essex | August 12, 2007 7:55 PM
18

@17

That's why a Clinton nomination is suicide for the democratic party. Her only hope of winning is against a chump like Huckabee.

Posted by Mr Me | August 12, 2007 9:27 PM
19

I think I might have stopped caring. Politics is starting to bore me.

Posted by monkey | August 13, 2007 9:40 AM
20

Corporations are going to fund the candidate that will help them the most. It will all depend on the economy. If the economy is in the trash, Hillary will win and get funded, unless the GOP nom talks A LOT about improving the economy and can achieve the Herculean task of convincing corporations to do so.

But corporations usually support a candidate with experience over the other, Dem or GOP.

Posted by matthew fisher wilder | August 13, 2007 10:05 AM

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