In Russia, a woman set fire to her ex-husband’s penis as he sat naked watching television and drinking vodka. Reports Reuters:

The attack climaxed three years of acrimonious enforced co-habitation. The couple divorced three years ago but continued to share a small flat, something common in Russia where property costs are very high.

Meanwhile in Scotland, a dwarf performer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival had to be rushed to the hospital after he accidentally super-glued his penis to a vacuum cleaner during a performance. From the Associated Foreign Press:

Daniel Blackner, or “Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf”, was due to perform at the Circus of Horrors. The main part of his act saw him appear on stage with a vacuum cleaner attached to his member through a special attachment. The attachment broke before the performance and Blackner tried to fix it using extra-strong glue, but unfortunately only let it dry for 20 seconds instead of the 20 minutes required. He then joined it directly to his organ.

As for the victims, I’ll let them speak for themselves:

“It was monstrously painful,” said the burnt Russian ex-husband. “I was burning like a torch. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

“It was the most embarrassing moment of my life when I got wheeled into a packed [emergency room] with a vacuum attached to me,” said Captain Dan the Demon Dwarf. “I just wished the ground could swallow me up.”

Thanks to Hot Tipper Paul for the wang-news roundup.