Celeb Slut’s Claws in Brokeback Butt Boy; Gays on Alert!
posted by August 3 at 9:27 AM
onSources far too terrible to fathom have reported that some evil slut calling itself Reese Whitherspoon has risen from hell and is somehow forcing my future husband Jake Gyllenhaal to date her. Roofies? Hypnotism? Witchcraft? Yes.
First it was Ryan Phillipe, and now this. This agression against The Gays cannot stand.
Okay, gays. You know your duty. GET HER!
Comments
I thought she worked well with Phillipe. She played the semi-decent actress with semi-decent looks. He played the horrible actor with a pubehead and a problem with always sounding exactly the same.
Now that she's found out he's a cocksucker, she has left him for Jake Gyllenhaal, who actually (surprisingly) is not a cocksucker. For now. You never know.
Reese is weathered. What the fuck is Jake doing?
He seems to prefer boring blondes. At least Reese doesn't have a coke problem, yet.
Jack has needs!
Maybe you gays should grow a pussy.
I've always thought that Jake is gay.
I think they make a cute couple. I'm willing to give him up to Reese. Besides, my heart will always belong to Aaron Eckhart.
I give Jake & Reese 2 years max.
I heard that Reese was too smart and too driven to really stay with Ryan. Besides, Ryan is a closet case.
If I was straight I would totally go for Reese. She is so damn cute!!!
i need absoutely EVERYONE in here to tell me what they know about ryan phillipe's alleged clost-caseness. NOW! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!
She's a dude.
I wasn't a big fan of Reese until I saw walk the line.
Succubus.
Adrian!,
When I was at Sundance two years ago, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. I started pissing, looked down, and all of the sudden (out of fucking nowhere) Ryan Phillipe was crouched in the urinal, drinking my pee. He tried to touch me, but being disgusted with his winter coat, I stepped back and continued to piss on him. He didn't seem to mind. Then Spike Lee walked in, but that's where the story ends.
She's cute. Adorable even. *HUGE* step up from Kirsten Dunst. Now that was a match made in dudewhatthefuckareyouthinking?land. the only reason she's even famous is because she was in "Interview with a Vampire", and the only reason she got that role was because she didn't need makeup or false fangs to look the part.
WTF? Dude, Jake...Bro. She got kids, yo. Pass on this one.
Nah Aw, BITCH! You best get away from mah man before I scratch yo' eyes out!
SOMEBODY HOLD MY RINGS!
@14
I wouldn't say Interview with the Crapire was what started her fame. It opened a couple doors so she could jack off around Susan Suranwrap in Little Women , which probably did more for her career than anything seeing how women love that story. Keep playing with those limes, biatch. Anyway, she played in tons of TV crap before her film career really set off. If I were to spec, I would have to say The Virgin Suicides is where I, and most of my filmy friends, started to notice her.
I've got a solution! Convince Reese to date me. Then Jake can be all yours. Warning, I'm not that attractive, and kind of an asshole, so you'll need a LOT of roofies, witchcraft...whatever.
Aw, I like fang girl. Virgin Suicides was good. I actually liked Marie Antoinette too. She also did this little movie called Cat's Meow that was a fun watch.
Dunst is incredibly bangable. Did none of you see Crazy/Beautiful? Rarely have I more desired to be a half-shirt.
Reese doesn't do it for me as much. Too responsible and motherly.
Pardon my straight guy intrusion on this ostensibly gay-oriented thread.
A: Love the "Big Lebowski" reference...
B: Reese was great in Freeway. Ever since she has been way too mainstream.
C: Dunst sucks at acting, but who cares? She got great teats.
Wow. Who let the fucking women haters out of their closet? Can someone put them back in?
@22 and the mother haters?! Boo!
What? Why boo me along with the Mother haters?
Oh, I get it.
I like how gay men are competing with celeb women in their minds for the affection of a guy who played a gay dude in a move.
That is soooo old news. Don't you ever read People Magazine AR? They have already broken up and got back together like 5 times...you sure don't keep a very good eye on your future husband.
@27
Watch your mouth, bitch.
For the bangable-Dunst crowd: Ever see an obscure teen comedy called Strike? Dunst plays a horny teenage student at an all-girls school, at which her fellow students are also horny. And when a boys school visits, the girls terrorize them by kidnapping them, tying them up, and having sex with them.
Yep. It's REAL.
Reese is definitely an upgrade though. Much smarter.
Well... Jake is not straight. Sources say he's bi and in a long-term (if fraught) relationship with some lesser-known male "friend" named Austin. The friend is more concerned about being outed than Jake is, but that's why the secrecy.
It's strange that Reese is involved in this farce. I actually believed she and Ryan Phillippe were in a serious relationship.
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