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Friday, August 3, 2007

Slut’s Claws in Brokeback Butt Boy; Gays on Alert!

posted by on August 3 at 9:27 AM

Sources far too terrible to fathom have reported that some evil slut calling itself Reese Whitherspoon has risen from hell and is somehow forcing my future husband Jake Gyllenhaal to date her. Roofies? Hypnotism? Witchcraft? Yes.

First it was Ryan Phillipe, and now this. This agression against The Gays cannot stand.

Okay, gays. You know your duty. GET HER!


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I thought she worked well with Phillipe. She played the semi-decent actress with semi-decent looks. He played the horrible actor with a pubehead and a problem with always sounding exactly the same.

Now that she's found out he's a cocksucker, she has left him for Jake Gyllenhaal, who actually (surprisingly) is not a cocksucker. For now. You never know.

Reese is weathered. What the fuck is Jake doing?

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 3, 2007 9:45 AM

He seems to prefer boring blondes. At least Reese doesn't have a coke problem, yet.

Posted by keshmeshi | August 3, 2007 9:49 AM

Jack has needs!

Posted by Bellevue Ave | August 3, 2007 9:49 AM

Maybe you gays should grow a pussy.

Posted by mmm.....mmmm.... | August 3, 2007 9:51 AM

I've always thought that Jake is gay.

Posted by Once more...with feeling | August 3, 2007 10:08 AM

I think they make a cute couple. I'm willing to give him up to Reese. Besides, my heart will always belong to Aaron Eckhart.

Posted by monkey | August 3, 2007 10:21 AM

I give Jake & Reese 2 years max.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 3, 2007 10:24 AM

I heard that Reese was too smart and too driven to really stay with Ryan. Besides, Ryan is a closet case.

If I was straight I would totally go for Reese. She is so damn cute!!!

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | August 3, 2007 10:27 AM

i need absoutely EVERYONE in here to tell me what they know about ryan phillipe's alleged clost-caseness. NOW! PLEASE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

Posted by adrian! | August 3, 2007 10:33 AM

She's a dude.

Posted by elswinger | August 3, 2007 10:34 AM

I wasn't a big fan of Reese until I saw walk the line.

Posted by june carter | August 3, 2007 10:49 AM


Posted by Callie | August 3, 2007 10:49 AM


When I was at Sundance two years ago, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. I started pissing, looked down, and all of the sudden (out of fucking nowhere) Ryan Phillipe was crouched in the urinal, drinking my pee. He tried to touch me, but being disgusted with his winter coat, I stepped back and continued to piss on him. He didn't seem to mind. Then Spike Lee walked in, but that's where the story ends.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 3, 2007 10:52 AM

She's cute. Adorable even. *HUGE* step up from Kirsten Dunst. Now that was a match made in dudewhatthefuckareyouthinking?land. the only reason she's even famous is because she was in "Interview with a Vampire", and the only reason she got that role was because she didn't need makeup or false fangs to look the part.

Posted by brandon | August 3, 2007 10:56 AM

WTF? Dude, Jake...Bro. She got kids, yo. Pass on this one.

Posted by Wing Man | August 3, 2007 10:58 AM

Nah Aw, BITCH! You best get away from mah man before I scratch yo' eyes out!


Posted by One Fierce Queen | August 3, 2007 11:04 AM


I wouldn't say Interview with the Crapire was what started her fame. It opened a couple doors so she could jack off around Susan Suranwrap in Little Women , which probably did more for her career than anything seeing how women love that story. Keep playing with those limes, biatch. Anyway, she played in tons of TV crap before her film career really set off. If I were to spec, I would have to say The Virgin Suicides is where I, and most of my filmy friends, started to notice her.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 3, 2007 11:05 AM

I've got a solution! Convince Reese to date me. Then Jake can be all yours. Warning, I'm not that attractive, and kind of an asshole, so you'll need a LOT of roofies, witchcraft...whatever.

Posted by hattio | August 3, 2007 11:17 AM

Aw, I like fang girl. Virgin Suicides was good. I actually liked Marie Antoinette too. She also did this little movie called Cat's Meow that was a fun watch.

Posted by monkey | August 3, 2007 11:22 AM

Dunst is incredibly bangable. Did none of you see Crazy/Beautiful? Rarely have I more desired to be a half-shirt.

Reese doesn't do it for me as much. Too responsible and motherly.

Pardon my straight guy intrusion on this ostensibly gay-oriented thread.

Posted by Matthew | August 3, 2007 12:15 PM

A: Love the "Big Lebowski" reference...

B: Reese was great in Freeway. Ever since she has been way too mainstream.

C: Dunst sucks at acting, but who cares? She got great teats.

Posted by Mike in MO | August 3, 2007 12:31 PM

Wow. Who let the fucking women haters out of their closet? Can someone put them back in?

Posted by Ryan | August 3, 2007 12:42 PM

@22 and the mother haters?! Boo!

Posted by mama tried | August 3, 2007 1:12 PM

What? Why boo me along with the Mother haters?

Posted by Ryan | August 3, 2007 1:18 PM

Oh, I get it.

Posted by Ryan | August 3, 2007 1:18 PM

I like how gay men are competing with celeb women in their minds for the affection of a guy who played a gay dude in a move.

Posted by Bellevue Ave | August 3, 2007 1:24 PM

That is soooo old news. Don't you ever read People Magazine AR? They have already broken up and got back together like 5 sure don't keep a very good eye on your future husband.

Posted by hello kitty | August 3, 2007 1:46 PM


Watch your mouth, bitch.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 3, 2007 1:51 PM

For the bangable-Dunst crowd: Ever see an obscure teen comedy called Strike? Dunst plays a horny teenage student at an all-girls school, at which her fellow students are also horny. And when a boys school visits, the girls terrorize them by kidnapping them, tying them up, and having sex with them.

Yep. It's REAL.

Reese is definitely an upgrade though. Much smarter.

Posted by Gloria | August 3, 2007 1:57 PM

Well... Jake is not straight. Sources say he's bi and in a long-term (if fraught) relationship with some lesser-known male "friend" named Austin. The friend is more concerned about being outed than Jake is, but that's why the secrecy.

It's strange that Reese is involved in this farce. I actually believed she and Ryan Phillippe were in a serious relationship.

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