Celeb Owen Wilson Practically Dead, Begs for “Peace, Please!”
posted by August 27 at 14:34 PMon
Late last night, whist you and I dreamed of the no fucking Simpson’s (God damn you, “Teen Choice Awards!”) dark and terrible things were going down in the life and in the stomach of one certain Owen Wilson.
Sources at the source report that at approximately 12:15PM, Mr. Wilson and that strange nose of his were madly rushed to an emergency room for a frantic stomach pumping, as the poor guy seemed to have downed several fist and/or bucketfuls of an unspecified toxic substance (Klonipin? Glue? The sperm of Ryan Seacrest? Speculation is pointless), in a confusing and apparent attempt to end his tragic Owen Wilson-ish life.
The police, who just can’t keep their mouths shut, said,
“Officers from the Santa Monica Police Department responded to a medical assistance call from the Santa Monica Fire Department at the 900 block of 23rd Street. The person was transported to a local hospital where they are being treated.”
“The person” was, of course, Owen Wilson, and besides telling us where he lives almost (I’ll be climbing through the window with my designs on the underwear drawer any minute), it tells us almost nothing else. And neither does Owen, who has apparently recuperated enough already at some mysterious facility for the rich and possibly suicidal to release this vague and detail-free “statement”:
“I respectfully ask that the media allow me to receive care and heal in private during this difficult time.”
Good luck there, you big drama queen.*
Kate Hudson was busy French-kissing the hell out of some dork in public, and was not available for comment. But of course it’s all her fault.
*Also, suicide is a bad thing.