Once you do those two things I don't think the original sentence looks too bad. But I don't know the context which might add to the addmited awkwardity of the two complicated thoughts.

I would like to mention though, that the impression that such sentences are maladroit is pure social construction. The Germans looove such sentences. Check out the first sentence of Mann's Death in Venice, and by no means the longest, I'm just being lazy. In fact, the next sentence is longer.

Gustav Aschenbach oder von Aschenbach, wie seit seinem fuenfzigsten Geburtstag amtlich sein Name lautete, hatte an einem Fruehlingsnachmittag des Jahres 19.., das unserem Kontinent monatelang eine so gefahrdrohende Miene zeigte, von seiner Wohnung in der Prinz-Regentenstrasse zu Muenchen aus, allein einen weiteren Spaziergang unternommen.

Recalling an earlier Slog bit about Artist's Statements, I would love to see your entire post (minus the proper nouns) as a month long show in a Seattle gallery. What species of acorn is that?

Have you seen the Sci. Illustration exhibit at the Burke? You may have to call ahead; the viewing room has selected hours.

Thanks much for sharing your studies. If your interested in working at Children's Hospital, I'm fairly close with someone who helps with research in the morgue. Let me know. Talk about seeing an Ugly Baby, I'd have to say that's one of the worst band names ever.

My scientific mentor has cautioned me about writing clearly. ;p

you ought to submit your general exam via slog.

Of course, as you've pointed out, you're dealing with a committee, which is known to be an irrational entity anyway. Sympathetic committee members might enjoy all four versions, though. When you go to write grants, you'll find you will have much better success if your writing is easy to read and at least moderately entertaining.