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Friday, August 31, 2007

It’s a “Savage Love” Emergency!

posted by on August 31 at 11:51 AM

A “Savage Love” reader somewhere in the Pacific Northwest sent me this question….

Concerning MFF threesomes: How many straight women regret them? How many straight women had an excellent time? We read a lot about straight men and their desire to have MFF threesomes, and often about the details of setting one up, but what about the fallout? The aftermath?

I ask because I have been casually dating/fucking an acquaintance for the past few weeks, and I just found out his ex-girlfriend is going to be visiting from New Zealand for a little while. He suggested (of course) that we all get to know each other a little better. I will admit that it is intriguing. I’ve always wanted to fool around with another woman, but I’m incredibly threatened by the whole idea of sharing, especially since I have never done anything like this before. Also, although things have stayed relatively casual, I am worried that jealousy is going to be a problem.

Can you ask your straight female readers that have done MFF threesomes to let me know how they went? And what some appropriate ground rules are? Is there a way to fulfill this fantasy for him while protecting my feelings (and those of his ex-girlfriend)? Does it still count as a threesome if I have fun with her while he watches?

Sign me,

Tentatively Reflecting On Intriguing Session

Normally I would toss this letter in the column. But there’s not enough time to get the feedback TROIS needs before the ex-girlfriend arrives in town—the ex-girlfriend arrives in a few days—so I’m tossing TROIS’ letter up on Slog.

Any feedback for her, ladies? Anything TROIS should know before she consents to this MFF threesome? Anything you wish you had known before you did?

RSS icon Comments


i've done it and had a lot of fun and i've done it and had it be kind of crappy.

the funnest of all was the time my fiancee and i had sex with a girl we had both hooked up with individually first. we were all into each other equally and it was super super fun. we're all still friends.

the crappiest times are when one person is less into the idea than the rest and doesn't express that until later, when it's turned from discomfort into burning resentment.

your boyf would probably be delighted to watch you two make out clothed on you couch for ten mintues if that's all you want to do. don't let anyone pressure you into more.

Posted by some chick | August 31, 2007 12:17 PM

and oh yeah, don't get too drunk.

Posted by some chick | August 31, 2007 12:18 PM

I've had a couple threesomes and they weren't planned, which was part of the fun (for me anyway). I don't know if I would be able to handle the ex-factor thrown in there. Also, something that came up during the threesomes was that I would be receiving more attention from the male than my other female friend, and I felt guilty about it. I'm still good friends with the girls that were involved so there was no big fall out. I don't know if I'd do this with a man I was in a relationship with, as I'm a jealous person by nature, with trust issues to boot. I think you should go with your gut, and evaluate the situation as it arrises. You're the one that has to live with the (fond? awkward? embarassing?) memories that follow.

Posted by kate | August 31, 2007 12:18 PM

Also: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop?

Posted by Boomer in NYC | August 31, 2007 12:22 PM

A guy here, but add another guy in it and make it a four way, some good old M on M action maybe hot for the ladies. I mean F on F action gets guys off so I am just speculating the oposite is true.

Posted by Cato the Younger Younger | August 31, 2007 12:26 PM

No woman has ever expressed regret for being in a threesome involving me.

Go for it!

Posted by Sean | August 31, 2007 12:31 PM

I recommend renting the movie Trois, as well as Trois 2: Pandora's Box. They are not only both educational and cautionary, but they make for fine movie-watchin'.

P.S.: You will feel jealous, but so will he.

Posted by Ziggity | August 31, 2007 12:34 PM



Posted by COMTE | August 31, 2007 12:41 PM

I think the biggest factor is that you mention the relationship as "casual dating/fucking". If the relationship is as casual as you say it is (and you both feel this way) I don't see much resentment happening afterwards. The key is taking it for what it is- a fun non-committed sexual experience.

The biggest possible problem in my mind is the ex-girlfriend; you don't mention her personality (probably because you don't know). If she isn't as casual, it could make for an awkward experience.

Posted by UNPAID BLOGGER | August 31, 2007 12:43 PM

Uh, first and foremost, you should be attracted to her. I don't know if it's an accurate stereotype or not, but I only had fun in my MFF threesome experiences because I CARED for the other girl (a friend)--just a touchy-feely woman after all.

Also, for the record, I've never had any fun in an intended threesome, or foursome, or whatever, even if that intention was only silently held between my ears.

I do think that her being an ex of his is a GOOD thing, not a weird thing. They should have an established sexual comfort zone that will hopefully welcome you in. (My best also included people who had experience with each other, who had worked in tandem to seduce other girls. Your dude and his ex might be like that. In which case, go for it! Worth it!)

Just don't feel pressured. You might feel jealous. You can always leave if you're uncomfortable, and if you remain curious and excited then I can't imagine you will "regret" anything.

Posted by Applest | August 31, 2007 12:55 PM

I did it, with one of my closest girl friends and a mutual acquaintance. It was unplanned, but pretty fun. I'm still really really good friends with her, but the guy and I never really talked after that night.
And, like kate@3, the biggest issue that came up was that he paid more attention to me than my friend, which was kind of awkard and made me feel guilty. I ended up telling him to pay more attention to her but it didn't really make a difference.
I think it would be really different with somebody who you were in a relationship with. It's really hard to predict how this could change the way you interact.

Posted by Carrie | August 31, 2007 1:00 PM

I've done it a few times with the husband and a mutual friend, and as long as you can take it as a fun and unusual experience, you should be all good. Make sure you feel like you've addressed any possible issues that might come up before clothes come off. If you're going to drink to loosen inhibitions, drink wine. Beer makes you bloaty, liquor makes you crazy.
Use condoms!! And pussy doesn't taste bad.

Also: warn him that if you don't click with her when you meet her, all bets are off. There's no reason for you to fuck someone you don't like just because he thinks it's hot.

Posted by anonymous girl | August 31, 2007 1:28 PM

This is why I love the Slog.

Posted by Mike in MO | August 31, 2007 1:31 PM

Disclaimer: I'm bi.

My ground rules for any threesome:
- Does anyone want a particular act? (Double penetration, say?) If so, are the other two up for that?
- Does anyone not want a particular act to occur at all? (Example: drinking blood.) If so, are the other two okay with that prohibition?
- There are going to be times when one person may be the spectator. Is everyone okay with that?
- Do you trust that the others are going to be grown-ups about it? This covers everything from not leaving early to not posting a blow-by-blow to their blog.

Arguably the first three come under the last one, but I find the first 3 are good for discussion among the participants. The last one is really a gut check.

Posted by JenK | August 31, 2007 1:40 PM

A female friend of mine wrote the book on threesomes, literally (and available for overnight shipping!):

Posted by Explorer | August 31, 2007 1:42 PM

i've done it before, and had a great experience...still love both of the friends involved these years later.

managing to make sure nobody is left out at any point is critical, unless someone *wants* to sit back & take a break while watching.

but i think post #12 gets it exactly right: you HAVE to meet this chick, in person, and see if you click with her BEFORE you can decide what's going to be happening. you can think it's hot in theory, he could think it's hot in theory, but ya gotta get together to see how the actual chemistry is before you can decide to go for anything.

Posted by red | August 31, 2007 2:15 PM

Honestly, IMHO it is better when the woman chooses the other woman for a threesome. I know lots of folks disagree, but I think it smoothes out jealously insecurities, but securities are illusions anyway. So go for it. But don't "commit" to anything other than being open for considering it with the guy UNTIL after you've met her.

Rule #1 could be: "no 3-somes the first night we hang out (so you can sleep on it after you meet her)."

The comment above re: fully clothed making out in front of him might be good enough. Especially if you are still hemming and hawing about the threesome like you already are.

Definitely set out some ground rules, and you should be proactive in this, since it your first time. YOU need to figure out what the ground rules are, what is in your heart, what is important to you. Even if this is a casual relationship, you need to be serious about "rules." Don't feel squeamish about setting your boundaries!!! I bet you really aren't "down for anything," right?

If you DO have a threesome, do you care if they also have sex without you at another point during the weekend? If you decide not to have the threesome, do they still want to fuck without you at some point?

Of course:
Use condoms. Different condoms. Rinse between fuckings, it's worth the inconvenience to feel secure. You don't want whatever's lingering on her cervix. Yum.

Have fun.

Posted by Morgan | August 31, 2007 2:28 PM

Oh yeah ... in a MFF, which girl gets fucked first? Keeping in mind that he may *not* be ready for a second go anytime soon ...

Posted by Jenk | August 31, 2007 3:07 PM

The worst thing I've heard about MFM threesomes is frequently the F part of the threesome realizes both guys just aren't into her like she thought.

But (male here) usually the guy freaks out about it if it's a FMF threesome, so it's frequently a relationship killer. Not on my part when I did, but I've known a lot of men and women who said this to me about what happened to them. Not sure why the guy does freak, but seems to be a common occurance.

I'd generally avoid it, unless you're poly, in which case it is probably worth the risk.

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 31, 2007 3:09 PM

She really needs to ask the guy what, exactly, he envisions this threesome looking like. Not all that many guys can fuck two girls right in a row, and I don't know any who can actually fuck two girls at the same time... so is it going to be taking turns? Does he want them both to suck his dick together? Does he just want to be in the middle while they make out? The completely vague concept of a "threesome" can be a lot more exciting than the reality...

- logistics girl.

Posted by L | August 31, 2007 3:20 PM

I've never done it but plan to as soon as I can find a third me and my husband would be comfortable with.

My advice (will echo others): make sure you find this hot. The idea, the girl, and the act. If you're doing it to please him, save the relationship, etc., it will not work. Agreed with another poster that you need to meet and want her first.

I advise you to fantasize: does this actually turn you on? Does it make you jealous?

There may be certain things you are comfortable with but not others...set ground rules.

And yes, if you just want to make out with her fully clothed, he'll enjoy it.

The letter writer better write back and let us know if she does it and how it goes!

Posted by Dianna | August 31, 2007 3:24 PM

I've done quite a few FFM 3somes and for the most part they all turned out well. Of course, I'm its a little different. And before I was with a woman for the first time, I was always worried I wouldn't want to go downtown. Of course, the minute I was actually with a woman, I couldn't get her clothes off fast enough so it was never an issue. I will say, I know a ton of women who like to touch and kiss women but not go down on them so decide how far you are willing to go.

I will say the times that I have not wanted to be apart of a threesome was when someone was pressuring me or when there was unresolved emotional issues/history. So if these two have been broken up a long time, they are just friends, and you're into her (or at least into her enough to be into experimenting with a woman who will go half a world away when you're done; two thumbs up) then try it. Of course, I know more than one exgf who's tried to wiggle back into a relationship with someone by dangling the threesome card.

Good luck

Posted by Goldilocks in Texas | August 31, 2007 3:28 PM

I've had many MMF threesomes, but only one MFF threesome. I was the "outside party" with a friend and his girlfriend. The girlfriend was rabidly in favor of polyamory and open relationships, to the point she's accost monogamous friends and belittle their relationship choices. (You know, because monogamous couples are only that way because they are jealous, insecure people who want to control their partners.) Well, just was we were getting started and everything seemed to be flowing nicely, she burst into tears and locked herself in my bathroom. The guy finally got her to calm down and talk, and she had this great epiphany that she could not handle the idea of her boyfriend even kissing another chick. Needless to say, it was very awkward for everyone involved.

But, that's just my story, and I know it's not the norm.

Posted by Furry Girl | August 31, 2007 3:31 PM

If you're using booze or drugs, the three of you must be similarly intoxicated. If someone is too drunk or sharp lucid while the others are not, it gets unconfortable.
If you need to be completely trashed in order to get the guts to do it, you probably shoudln't be doing it. (as with everything in life)
all parts involved should agree to interact equally among them. I have almost personal experience on a FMM threesome that was only a competition for the girl's holes. That was not good.

Posted by tinydoc | August 31, 2007 4:57 PM


:( that sounds awful.
one of the FMM threesomes i had was probably the most tender, emotionally satisfying and pleasant things i've ever experienced.
i think it really comes down to all three people being into each other more or less equally.

Posted by some chick | August 31, 2007 5:13 PM

Personally, I find it very unsexy/romantic to have this big plan for the threesome. (Ground rules, talking, blah blah). Should be something more organic. I say it's doomed already.

Plus, I think our writer is more into her acquaintence then she's letting on, otherwise she wouldn't have written.

Posted by bah | August 31, 2007 5:43 PM

Hi! I like the advice to be open and curious - this seems right on point.

I've had a few MMF threesomes, and one MFF threesome. The last was with an old housemate of mine (male, we had slept together before) and a friend of a friend. We were all pretty drunk; it was fun. I just thought of it as a wild night.

If you're into her, go for it. If it feels forced, this may not be the time. Go with your feelings on this one. Either way, good luck!

Posted by Berkeley Girl | August 31, 2007 6:51 PM

Well, I'm another one of those bi girls who don't count--but I have had an MFF threesome with a straight girl who has remained my friend with no akwardness or hard feelings after.

My advice would be to stay at the level of physical interaction you're comfortable with. I ate her pussy and she didn't eat mine, and that was okay. You don't say whether this third girl is straight or bi--but either way, make sure you know your sexual boundaries with this girl.

As to the advice about multiple condoms and rinsing--it sounds pretty difficult and ridiculous to me. Get some Reality female coundoms for you and the other woman, get your guy some lube, and you should be able to take turns (which I also recommend, doing one after the other is akward since someone is always left out unless you're comfortable eating her out while he does you and vice versa--and even then) without taking condoms off an on and rinsing.

Posted by Alexis | August 31, 2007 9:38 PM

FIRST off, BE SAFE! You multiply your risk of STD's with the number of partners you have. To answer your question, I've done tri's and been bored silly when I didn't choose the F, and had a lovely time when I did. For me, the M was far less crucial. It's pretty much the same as any other sexual encounter that you may be ambivalent about. Sometimes the magic works, and sometimes you wish you were home counting goldfish.

Posted by Shirley | August 31, 2007 10:54 PM

A word about alcohol in MFF threesomes...the "m" in the equation should go easy on it. A few glasses of wine might lower inhibitions, but they may also negatively affect one's (ahem) abilities. A man in this situation needs every ounce of rigidity and stamina he can muster because--and I'm speaking from experience here--there's a lot of pressure on the guy to perform. That pressure can turn your dick into an overcooked noodle faster than you can say Emeril Lagasse.

Plus, when you break it down, the guy really needs to come at least twice during the evening for both girls to feel valued (you don't want to come with one and not the other, do you?). It all adds up to a long night for Mr. Happy. Tell your guy to sip the wine and guzzle the water.

Posted by Drunken Buffoon | August 31, 2007 11:56 PM

I've done threesomes, and they were fun. However, I'm bi, and they were with good friends. That is- I liked and was attracted to both the people in bed with me. Furthermore, there was a serious respect of limits- I didn't want to be penetrated, for example, and it was a non-issue.

I would reiterate what many people here have already said- a good way to avoid jealousy is for you to pick the girl. The x-girlfriend thing sounds fishy. Is this for him, or for you? Is fooling around with other women an experimental thing for you, or a lifestyle thing (are you attracted to women in general, or is this going to be a one-shot)? Is she into other women, how does she feel about having a threesome with her ex and his current? Having sex with a woman first might be a good idea, if what you're interested in is fooling around with a woman.

Communication is the most important thing in a good threesome. You have doubts? Share them. The level of seriousness with which he treats your concerns are a good gauge for how he'll treat your emotional boundaries during the sex.

Posted by Blah | September 1, 2007 1:37 AM

Talk to your guy about your concerns and lay down some ground rules IF you decide to go for it. Even if you decide against it, the fact that you're considering it and talking about it with him is seriously hot.

The main things you need to consider are 1) Can he actually handle two women at the same time without making either feel worse. 2) Seriously consider just how "casual" this relationship is to you. Are you sure YOU can handle him being with two women. 3) Are you sure that she is even into it? Maybe this whole thing is just wishful thinking on his part.

Also, if you go through it, I suggest to do it towards the end of her stay.
If she is staying just a few days this won't make a difference but if she is staying for a month and you not only do it early on but also end up regretting it, you will have a long month of painful brooding.
If on the other hand you wait until the end and you totally love it, it will be all the more exciting.
It's better to be left wanting more anyway, like, say, the next time she's in town.

Posted by Curious | September 1, 2007 11:32 AM

You've already answered your own question, actually. If you're worried that jealousy will be a problem, then that's your subconscious telling you that you're going to be jealous.

My rule for sexual experiences has always been "When in doubt...don't!"
You can always do it later, but you can't take it back once it's been done.

Posted by fairywench | September 1, 2007 7:16 PM

I have been in them with 2 couples (several years apart). The threesome was always a last-ditch attempt to save the marriage, and it never helped.

As for this gal? Her subconscious is saying no.

Posted by Heather | September 2, 2007 3:25 PM

Hello, I am the guy in this threesome scenario, and it happend and was amazing! for me..

Although the sex was amazing, I feel like it did change my relationship with both girls a little bit. Considering my ex-girlfriend, (who really is from tokyo, not NZ)I think she looks at me as much more of a 'pimp', and not as a prospect for a long-term relationship, which is good for both of us to understand. My fling with TROIS is being tested, the surprise arrival of my tokyo -ex threw a curveball into a relationship that was developing still in its earliest stages.

All in all, the night was epic and I had a fantasy fulfilled, TROIS got nasty with a girl for the first time ever, and Actually From Japan (AFJ) wants to do it again!

Somethings are a bit more complicated, but the experience was worth it for me atleast, TROIS i think maybe feels the same way, and AFJ is petting my hair right now reading this as I type it, but I can't tell what she is thinking because she is just laughing and trying to translate everything as quick as she can, muahahahha @ afj!


Ladies Under Cock Kissing You

Posted by Hacim | September 4, 2007 6:04 PM

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