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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Iím Not Young, Cool, Nor Qualified, But I Pretend To Be On TV, Man!

posted by on August 22 at 13:08 PM

Do you know this man?

greg-behrendt-2-sized.jpg

Well. I am sitting in my very clean apartment, in my underwear, and it is exactly 1:12PM. I make no excuses for this behavior and I refuse to justify myself; if I have a hankering to sit around my apartment in my underwear all day, godfuckingdammit, indeed I shall do so, and with relish and aplomb.

But forget all that. It isnít what I want to talk about. There are far, far worse things in the universe than me sitting, merely underweared, until early afternoon, thank you, and, basically, all of those worse things are ďGREG BEHRENDTĒ! And Greg Behrendt (that’s his picture up there) is exactly what Iíd like to discuss.

O, SWEET JESUS! HOW I HATE HIM! Do you hear me, America? World? Cosmos? Cosmo? Words. Cannot. Express it. And Iím sure you understand.

Wait. What? You donít? Who is this Greg Behrendt, you ask? Lordy, lordy. Well. Alright. Give me a moment to hack the last steaming chunks of hot vomit that thinking about him inspires from my epiglottis and I shall enlighten you. Ahem. Hem. Hem, hem hem.

Answering the question ďwho and/or what is Gregg fucking BeheredntĒ, my darlings, is complicated, and fraught with total ickyness. Letís begin first by exploring who/what Greg Beherendt isnít. Itís easiest that way. Trust me.

Greg Behrendt is NOT Bart fucking Simpson. He is not a twenty-year-old sk8er punk living with his band in his parentís garage. He is not Eddie VanHalen. He is not Tommy Lee. He is not Dave Navarro. He is not hot. He is. Not. Cool. No sir, he is not, he is not, he is NOT.

But thatís far from all Greg Behrendt isnít.

He is not a psychologist, a psychotherapist, a psychiatrist (much to Tom Cruiseís great relief), nor a counselor of any legitimate sort whatsoever. According to the best of my knowledge and a cursory Googling, his only degree is antiperspirant.

Got all that straight? Fabulous. Now, letís explore what Greg Behrendt is. Hang in there. This part is much shorter.

Greg Beherendt is a horrid middle-aged (he ďjust turned 40Ē, my hairy red tomato!) spiky-haired jackass rockstar wannabe/desperate poseur. In real life heís some sort of comedian or something, and legend has it he wrote for “Sex and the City”. (Did anyone else think Carrie was a whiney self-entitled bitch with unforgivable drama issues? Honestly?) Writing for that show somehow qualified him to author some self-help books that explain to fat chicks why guys never call back, and apparently THAT great achievement has conferred upon him the awesome powers of Dr. Phil, Oprah, Sigmund Freud and Jerry Springer, all rolled up in a studded belt and man-earrings. And broham, heís here to straighten you out, work on those issues and save your marriage, dude!

YAG.

Greg Beherednt is indeed the host of ďThe Greg Behrendt ShowĒ, which lamentably airs fresh each day on a network I wonít admit to watching. And I wonít admit to watching it right now, in my underwear, as he attempts, with faux-sincerity oozing from his faux-young-and-hip-dude voice to actually and legitimately psychoanalyze some white trash coupleís dentally-challenged relationship back together or something. (And then maybe heíll go hit the half pipe, broí, or kick it at the gym and wail on those abs, man!) His horribleness is entrancing, almost hypnotic, like a murder. And yet, oh my God, how I despise him. And I just really needed the world to know. It makes it all more bearable, somehow. And I thank you.

God, I hate you Greg Behrendt! HATE YOU!

RSS icon Comments

1

Oh, my God. I love you, Adrian.

Posted by Darcy | August 22, 2007 1:25 PM
2

It's so very disturbing to me to have to admit....for once, I agree with Adrian Ryan!!!!????!!!!

Greg Beherendt is a shit sandwich, without the bread

he's...just...sooooo....awful!

now, if i could only get the image of Adrian lounging around in his Xst underpanties out of my head...

Posted by michael strangeways | August 22, 2007 1:31 PM
3

Until now, I had no idea this douchebag existed.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 22, 2007 1:31 PM
4

Adrian... I love your wildly gesticulating self. Also "his only degree is antiperspirant" is GENIUS

Posted by Katelyn | August 22, 2007 1:34 PM
5

well i have no idea who this guy is, but i couldn't agree with you more about "sex and the city." that show makes me grateful i'm gay.

Posted by brandon | August 22, 2007 1:40 PM
6

Don't worry, 15 minutes goes by reeeeally fast.

Posted by monkey | August 22, 2007 1:44 PM
7

#6, Brittany, Lindsay, Paris and Nicole's 15 minutes have dragged on for a very, very long time...

#5, are you kidding? SITC was the gayest show, EVER! Straight women don't talk like that; Gay men, DO!

Posted by michael strangeways | August 22, 2007 1:56 PM
8

#7 - not me, and not the fags i hang out with. i certainly don't know any gay guys who would engage in a protracted freak-out because they farted in front of the guy they just fucked. this is worthy of an entire 30 minute episode? get a hold of yourself, girlfriend. please.

Posted by brandon | August 22, 2007 2:08 PM
9

FYI, his show got cancelled, and the episodes they keep airing are all from the short 3 months that it was in production.

I saw this guy open for David Cross at UW a few years ago. He's far from the worst comedian out there, but he's definitely not good.

Posted by T | August 22, 2007 2:09 PM
10

First of all, get his fucking name right:

GREG BEHRENDT


Also, he wrote the wildly successful "HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU" along with a few other titles.

(not defending him though)

In other words, he's not as big of a waste as you thought. Perhaps you could have tried doing a CURSORY SEARCH on Google.

And you're still a bitchy, whiny, hating waste of pay for The Stranger

Posted by mr. ryan | August 22, 2007 2:13 PM
11

are you sure that's not the guy from that 90's alt rock band that sang "pretty fly for a white guy" and "gotta keep 'em separated"? can't remember the band name right now...

Posted by brad | August 22, 2007 2:28 PM
12

Oh Adrian! I love you more and more each day.

Posted by Original Monique | August 22, 2007 2:32 PM
13

@10

Where do you live?

@11

The Offspring; arguably just as douchebaggy.

Posted by Mr. Poe | August 22, 2007 2:32 PM
14

@10
oh, dad...

Posted by adrian! | August 22, 2007 2:32 PM
15

Agreed. He's like Dane Cook only older and less funny. If that's at all possible.

Posted by Wallingford loves fireworks | August 22, 2007 2:46 PM
16

You wear underwear?

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 22, 2007 2:46 PM
17

@17
fabulous point. only when i'm not dressed.

Posted by adrian! | August 22, 2007 2:52 PM
18

Well first off, his show was just cancelled so you and your underwear won't be subjected to his un-coolness much longer.

I love the guy though. His book has helped clueness woman (myself included) figure out to move on when guys... "just aren't that into you!" I wish I had read his book in high school and college, I would have saved myself a lot of angst.

I thought his show was rather cheesy but much better than a lot of stupid shows out there (HELLO RACHAEL RAY THE GHETTO GOURMET!)

Posted by Suz | August 22, 2007 2:55 PM
19

suz @ 18.. i know it rhymes and all but do not be blaming the ghetto for rachel ray. just cause she on oprah's payroll, well that don't make her ghetto either. she from one of them other neighborhoods that don't have no money.. what's that one called again?...

Posted by reverend dr dj riz | August 22, 2007 3:16 PM
20

When Dan and Josh and any other old farts retire/die from the The Stranger, I hope it falls into the hands of Adrian! and Ari.

Posted by Chris in Tampa | August 22, 2007 3:24 PM
21

Know what would you make you happier, lover? A NSFW link, that's what. http://unlockforme.blogspot.com/ This site was just made for you.

You're welcome.

Posted by Jhames | August 22, 2007 3:40 PM
22

I saw him open up for David Cross at the U a few years ago. He was actually really funny, if trying to hard to pull off the "I'm still 20" vibe.
Best joke: a trick to remember his last name.

Bacon
Eggs
Ham
Red
Eggs
Nipples
Dog
Toys

For some reason that has always stuck with me.

I totally hate him now and feel used and betrayed that he ever made me laugh. I guess I'm. . . just not that into him.

Posted by muckfetro | August 22, 2007 3:47 PM
23

I saw his show for about 5 mins once and thought, "oh he's a toned downed, cheesey, TV version of Tom Lyekis"

Posted by irl500girl | August 22, 2007 3:58 PM
24

Greg is actually a really nice guy...and he's aware that he's now "the old guy at the rock concert"...

And I've seen him be really funny on stage. Bits about "There might be cake!" and "Ripped like Jesus" come to mind.

I wouldn't compare him to Dane Cook as much as I'd consider him an older Nick Swardson.

Now, I admit that I haven't read his book, and I couldn't watch his daytime television show based on that book...

...but the book is being turned into a movie...and the cast of the movie is: Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Connelly and (just signed) Scarlett Johannson.

Don't hate. The guy is living my dream.

Posted by pgreyy | August 22, 2007 4:03 PM
25

Hey Peter,
Unless they spend 1/2 the movie making out with each other, I predict it will suck!!!!

Posted by muckfetro | August 22, 2007 4:23 PM
26

OK, Greg Behrendt aside, does anyone else think it would have been cool if they had ended "Sex in the City" by having a serial killer stalk, sleep with and kill all four of those bitches? Shit, they could have extended for another season with that plotline.

Posted by wile_e_quixote | August 22, 2007 4:41 PM
27

I understand, adrian. Why you hate him so is because he is one of the many symptoms of the total collapse of American integrity. Celebrity worship should be a crime unto itself, punishable by banning from every place of business in the world. I also agree about Sex and the City. That a half hour was devoted (each week, right?) to their "misadventures" or what-the-hell-ever, is a sick, sad thing that should have culminated in them all being punched in the throats for being entirely too self-important sluts. Similarly, I hate... well, a lot of people in the same fashion. Damn, can't think of any names.

Hold on...
Got one...
...

try, uh... well, Paris Hilton is obvious. How about Oprah? I hate her?
Well! I DO!

Posted by frequency ass bandit | August 22, 2007 8:35 PM
28

@20: That would fill me with girlish delight.

Posted by Darcy | August 22, 2007 9:31 PM
29

Adrian! When did you start wearing underwear?

Posted by catalina vel-duray | August 22, 2007 10:07 PM
30

lol I feel your pain. Does anyone use lol anymore? I think I'm stuck in the dark ages. :)

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31

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