Celeb Don’t Watch THAT! Watch THIS! It’s Adrian Ryan’s Occasional Celebrity Round Up!
posted by August 9 at 16:55 PMon
Tonight the ’08 presidential so-called “hopefuls” or whatever (who will all be shot dead in the upcoming Bush takeover, mark my words) will all gather like a flock of old hens to debate that most divisive of issues, The Gays. Gayness. Fudgepackery. Homosexing. Indeed.
It might seem a bit out of character for such a rouser of the rabble as I, but fuck you. I rather Zenly encourage all of you—gay, filthy breeder, two-spirit, whatever—- to ignore these alleged gay “debates” entirely. ENTIRELY! Go fly a kite, watch the sun set, bang your two-spirit’s manpussy. Get out there and enjoy some global warming. Me? I plan to do all four. Right after I write this. If you don’t fly kites or have easy access to two-spirit manpussy, you can read it instead. It’s win-win!
So then. I’m twisted and conflicted to report that dark and terrible things have been going down in the world of celebrite. Let’s touch upon a few. Don’t worry. I’m wearing gloves.
And so it begins.
Terrible Happening The First: Whitney Houston celebrated her 444th birthday early this week by aging hard and fast. In some unfathomable moment of weakness, complete insanity, and/or the bad crack, the ever-screeching freak also reconciled with she baby daddy and world famous paranoid schizophrenic, Bobby B., and they spent a magical evening ducking private eyes and federal agents looking to collect on trillions of dollars in back-due child support. Osama bin Laden is, understandably, furious.
Terrible Happening The Second: Something called a Spice Girl has secretly married her secret boyfriend in a secret wedding ceremony in Las Vegas, which is tacky, right after not secretly insisting to the universe that she Eddie Murphie baby mamma, and that he should give her tonney money. Apparently, she’s just a huge slut.
Terrible Happening The Third: Tori Spelling, whose poor face seems be slowly breaking into continents that are drifting apart (oh! And who’s allegedly just been ordained a minister of some sort! A MINISTER!) is pregnant for the second time, having just recently given birth to a horrifying monster called Cthulhu. And I know. I was fucking THERE, man.
Terrible Happening The Fourth: Some horrible thing called a K-Fed (I think it’s a sort of overnight shipping franchise) has finally had the good sense to file an official looking court order to take custody of Britney Spears’ apparently endangered chillens! “She chain smokes in front of them, tells them that cigarettes are “candy”, feeds them bags of sugar, tries to bribe her dentist to whiten their rotten teeth, drops them, and drives possibly drunk with them sitting unbuckled on her ever-widening lap. Also, she’s a snatch-flashing spermbag who trusts George Bush,” a source that can’t be trusted and which is totally me reports. Disturbing.
Well, that’s it kids. I hope it’s enough to hold you through the, ahem, “debates”. If not, I, acting as official Grand Wizard of the SKK (The Stranger Klux Klan), give you this hysterical and distracting little piece of advice, below. And yes, I’m a huge fucking racist. Embrace it. And hopefully next election everyone will have the good sense to lay off the fags and go after the fat chicks—-the true enemies of democracy. Enjoy.