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1

This is fun. More abuse, please!

Drink: Tall drip
Personality type: Lame

You're a simple person with modest tastes and a reasonable lifestyle. In other words, you're boring. Going to Starbucks makes you feel sophisticated; you'd like to be snooty and order an espresso but aren't sure if you're ready for that level of excitement. People laugh at you because you use fake curse words like "friggin'" and "oh, crumb!" Everyone who thinks America's Funniest Home Videos is a great show drinks tall drip.

Also drinks: V8
Can also be found: On the couch at home

Posted by Levislade | August 8, 2007 2:37 PM
2

Did you see that? She totally sassed me!
http://questionablecontent.net/view.php?comic=651#


Personality type: Asshat

You carry around philosophy books you haven't read and wear trendy wire-rimmed glasses even though you have perfect vision. You've probably added an accent to your name or changed the pronunciation to seem sophisticated. You hang out in coffee shops because you don't have a job because you got your degree in French Poetry. People who drink vente half caf americano with room are notorious for spouting off angry, liberal opinions about issues they don't understand.

Also drinks: Any drink with a foreign name
Can also be found at: The other, locally owned coffee shop you claim to like better

Posted by NaFun | August 8, 2007 2:39 PM
3

Along with the skinny and the decaf, I always hated people who would want sugar free vanilla or other syrup in these drinks. That covers the trifecta of pointlessness.

Posted by Matt from Denver | August 8, 2007 2:40 PM
4

Personality type: Clueless

You don't go to Starbucks much; when you do you just tag along with other people since you have nothing better to do. You would like to order a Tazo Chai Crème but don't know how to pronounce it. Most people who drink grande iced mocha no whip cream are strippers.

Also drinks: Wine coolers
Can also be found at: The mall

Ouch.

Posted by Sam | August 8, 2007 2:41 PM
5

Mine was tall americano and I got Asshat as well. I can live with that.

Posted by monkey | August 8, 2007 2:42 PM
6

I'd tried three or four different drinks, and gotten such silly results that I put in Large Warm Piss-Flavored Water, and got this:

Personality type: High Maintenance

You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.
Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars

Posted by Geni | August 8, 2007 2:45 PM
7

With that headline and the picture, I was totally ready for this to be a post about Master Shake taking on Starbucks.

So disappointed to see what it really was.

Posted by PA Native | August 8, 2007 2:46 PM
8

I also typed in 'tall drip'. It got everything about me wrong, except that I also drink V8. Remarkable!

Posted by E. Steven | August 8, 2007 2:46 PM
9

Asshat is definitely the best one. I'm proud of my short double cappucinos.

Posted by Lythea | August 8, 2007 2:58 PM
10

that thing is full of shiiiit! This is exactly the opposite of me!

----

Behold the Oracle's wisdom:

Personality type: High Maintenance

You pride yourself on being assertive and direct; everyone else thinks you're bossy and arrogant. You're constantly running your mouth about topics that only you would find interesting. Your capacity for wasting other people's time is limitless. Your friends find you intolerable, that's why they're plotting to kill you.

Also drinks: Water. Bottled, chilled, with four ice cubes, a twist of lemon, in a crystal glass.
Can also be found at: Trendy martini bars
---------

I'm never going to starbucks again. I was already on the edge, but that oracle bitch/asshole was the last straw.

Posted by Full of BS | August 8, 2007 3:00 PM
11

Personality type: Hippie

In addition to being a hippie, you are a hypochondriac health nut. You secretly think that your insistence on only consuming all-natural products is because you're so intelligent and well-informed; it's actually because you're a sucker. You've dabbled in Wicca or other pseudo-religions that attract morons and have changed your sexual orientation a few times this year. You probably live in California. Everyone who drinks grande soy latte should be forced to eat a McDonald's bacon cheeseburger.

Also drinks: Beverages with lots of marketing that says they're herbal and organic
Can also be found at: Whole Foods, indoor rock climbing facilities.

*Sadly, kind of true except for the indoor rock climbing facilities. Those sound like too much effort.

Posted by Jessica | August 8, 2007 3:04 PM
12

Personality type: Pseudo-intellectual

You're liberal and consider yourself to be laid back and open minded. Everyone else just thinks you're clueless. Your friends hate you because you always email them virus warnings and chain letters "just in case it's true." All people who drink tall chai latte are potheads.

Also drinks: Sparkling water
Can also be found at: Designer grocery stores

HAHAHA! Absolutely none of that is true for me. I just don't like the taste of coffee. What a stupid bitchface oracle.

Posted by T | August 8, 2007 3:05 PM
13

I remember when customers would order that drink, you'd look over at your co-worker and in a loud voice say "a tall why bother"

Posted by mattro2.0 | August 8, 2007 3:08 PM
14

I am a "total pain in the ass"!! Always worried about my weight! ...seems pretty accurate to me.

Posted by duncan | August 8, 2007 3:13 PM
15

You drink: Organic Fair Trade Latte made at home from coffee beans you grind yourself in a Braun grinder you bought for $10 back when you were in the army and foamed with organic fair trade lite soy milk you buy in bulk.
Personality Type: Aquarius. Duh.

You don't see why everyone else pays $5 for a drink you can make yourself in less time. Except for the cute baristas.

Posted by Will in Seattle | August 8, 2007 3:28 PM
16

"Hello, ass-clown. Nice try. Starbucks doesn't serve "cum" (though if they did you'd probably drink it). Try again, this time input something that Starbucks actually serves."

Posted by greg | August 8, 2007 3:32 PM
17

I put in Grande Toffee Nut Latte and got the same results as #1.

Fair enough, but I only say "friggin" because I have kids. And I can't stand V8.

Posted by Mike of Renton | August 8, 2007 3:33 PM
18

wow. that thing's still around after three years!?

this part is fairly accurate: "Can also be found at: The other, locally owned coffee shop you claim to like better"

Posted by josh | August 8, 2007 4:25 PM
19

Honestly, where the fuck have all you SBUX-haters been all these years -- this thing has been around petty much forever if you are counting internet-years...great cutting edge find, ECB!

Posted by GoodGrief | August 8, 2007 8:26 PM
20

Astrology is dumbfucked and so is this oracle 1990's sounding shit.

Posted by Deacon Seattle | August 9, 2007 2:28 AM
21

"Everyone who thinks America's Funniest Home Videos is a great show drinks Tall Iced Semen."

Solid analysis from the Starbucks Oracle.

Posted by steve | August 9, 2007 7:02 AM
22

GoodGrief @ 19:

Lay off the coffee man, you're harshing my mellow.

Posted by Dono | August 9, 2007 11:19 AM

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