If only cocaine did what the ad says. It just turns most people into assholes (me included).

Man, I'm always gettin' arrested wearing someone else's pants with blow in the pockets. Damn, I can totally relate girl.

If I had cocaine right now id do it. Then, id read the WHOLE slog until my eyes bled...Do you have a cigarette? That reminds me of my dad, did I ever tell you about my dad? Im thirsty...

On its own the excuse could be woven into a plausible defense.

As a part of a trial including testimony that she was pursuing someone in a high speed car chase while wasted drunk? Hard to make it sound innocent...

I don't give a fuck about this beautiful famous rich white woman and why she inexplicably wants to annihilate herself.

What I do want to know is why they're saying she isn't going to have to face jail time. I'm pretty sure that if I were brought up on felony cocaine possession they would just throw me in the slammer and melt the key down for scrap. Why the fuck should she be any different?

Umm, because she's rich?

i still have the original column cut out and saved because i thought it was so hilarious! damn, five years ago? i'm getting old.