Slog tipper B.D. writes:

While Washington was once known as THE capital of horse fuckers around the world, we eventually got around to banning such practices. [Here’s Mudede’s piece on that happy subject. —Ed.] Now it seems, after a judge’s ruling, Wisconsin can be known as THE capital of necrophiliacs around the world. Cue Alice Cooper’s song Cold Ethyl.

Here’s the article that B.D. is talking about. A snippet:

(AP) Madison, Wis. Three men who dug up a young woman’s corpse to have sex with it after seeing her obituary photo cannot be charged with attempted sexual assault because Wisconsin has no law against necrophilia, an appeals court ruled Thursday.

A judge was correct to dismiss the charges against twin brothers Nicholas and Alexander Grunke and Dustin Radke, all 21, because lawmakers never intended to criminalize sex with a corpse, the District 4 Court of Appeals said in a 3-0 ruling.

The cause of the woman’s death in the first place? Motorcycle crash.

Follow the link and there are pictures of the boys. (One of the twins does his hair differently, though they appear to be identical.) There is also a video that I just can’t bring myself to click on. I leave it to Slog’s intrepid readers click on it and find out more if more is what they want.

Aside: There are a couple other “local news” video segments next to the one I can’t bear to click on, including “Man with Cerebral Palsy Drowns in River” and “Search Continues for 2nd Sewer Worker.”

In related news: God hates Wisconsin.

So many people, so much fun… why are you reading SLOG and not on the ‘Block?!

Because Wikipedia is obviously the best thing ever (and fuck you too Tom Wolfe, you frivolous, unnecessary geezer) I started by looking up a small bird and wound up at Project Gutenberg, reading The Physiology of Taste, or Transcendental Gastronomy by the French laywer, politician, and gourmand Jean Anthelme Brillat-Savarin (died 1826).

What little I’ve read of it is aristocratic, sometimes bizarre, and great. It begins with a series of aphorisms. Here are my favorites, which are pretty much all of them:

APHORISMS OF THE PROFESSOR.

TO SERVE AS PROLEGOMENA TO HIS WORK AND ETERNAL BASIS TO THE SCIENCE.

I. The universe would be nothing were it not for life and all that lives must be fed.

II. Animals fill themselves; man eats. The man of mind alone knows how to eat.

III. The destiny of nations depends on the manner in which they are fed.

IV. Tell me what kind of food you eat, and I will tell you what kind of man you are.

VIII. The table is the only place where one does not suffer from ennui during the first hour.

IX. The discovery of a new dish confers more happiness on humanity than the discovery of a new star.

X. Those persons who suffer from indigestion, or who become drunk, are utterly ignorant of the true principles of eating and drinking.

XI. The order of food is from the most substantial to the lightest.

XII. The order of drinking is from the mildest to the most foamy and perfumed.

XIII. To say that we should not change our drinks is a heresy; the tongue becomes saturated, and after the third glass yields but an obtuse sensation.

XIV. A dessert without cheese is like a beautiful woman who has lost an eye.

XV. A cook may be taught, but a man who can roast is born with the faculty.

XVI. The most indispensable quality of a good cook is promptness. It should also be that of the guests.

XVII. To wait too long for a dilatory guest shows disrespect to those who are punctual.

XVIII. He who receives friends and pays no attention to the repast prepared for them is not fit to have friends.

XIX. The mistress of the house should always be certain that the coffee be excellent; the master that his liquors be of the first quality.

XX. To invite a person to your house is to take charge of his happiness as long as he be beneath your roof.

(I’m pretty sure he would’ve objected to the word “foodie,” too.)

Commenter Musely was so inspired by the latest installment of Whose Calves Are These? that he wrote a poem:

Whose calves these are I think I know.
He lives upon the hill though;
He will not see me stopping here
To snap his calves with my cellphone so.
It is indeed rather queer
To snap these calves while standing near
But a shot of them I must take
I’ll do it boldly, without fear.
He gives his sexy ass a shake
And I’m quite sure it’s no mistake—
Above the din of some band’s beat
He must have heard me picture-take,
Ogling his legs from ass to feet,
But oh those calves—this shot I’ll keep—
And gaze at it before I sleep,
And gaze at it before I sleep.

I had his permission—but whatever. Nice going.

(PS: White’s been right on all of them. The Drummer is Jason Finn, The Boss is Tim Keck, The Genius is Susan Robb, and The Cripple is Brendan Kiley.)

(PPS: Next one will be a lady, for you, Sean.)

KUNT.

Aa (MUSIC) No, the Comet isn’t hosting an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting during the Capitol Hill Block Party (though maybe they should). Rather, they’re throwing their own adjoining party with NYC noise-jammers Aa (pronounced “big a, little a”). Aa are three guys on percussion and one on samplers and synthesizers, making a rhythmic racket. Their aerobic live shows are part sweat-soaked vision quest, part ritual dance. With Das Llamas and the Pleasureboaters. (Comet, 922 E Pike St, 323-9853. 11 pm, $5, 21+.) ERIC GRANDY

More Stranger Suggests for this week.

This week, Erica C. Barnett will be on 710 KIRO talking with Goldy about the City Council races, the nightlife debate, and, I imagine, bikes.

Be sure to tune in to the show at 7pm.

by Rebecca Tapscott

Mo Money, Mo Problems: Bush administration plans to offer a $20 billion arms deal to Saudi Arabia and it’s neighbors. To allay Israel’s concerns, the U.S. may up Israeli military aid to $30.4 billion in the next decade.

Used and abused: Governor Eliot Spitzer and two senior aides may testify to the Ethics Panel on their alleged misuse of State Police, to gather embarrassing information on the Senate Republican leader, Joseph L. Bruno.

War on Corruption: Congressional Democrats agree on new lobbying policies that increase transparency by identifying lobbyists who give multiple large donations to candidates.

Agriculture cashes in: The house passes a $286 billion, Democratically-backed bill re-enforcing agricultural subsidies. The bill, among other things, supports land preservation, healthy diets for youth, and famine relief abroad.

I wish I could buy me a spaceship: NASA has reportedly ignored warnings of astronauts who were drinking heavily before launching.

Nightlife lives!: Sally Clark’s nightlife legislation develops new enforcement tools for the city, and makes no mention of the new license proposed by Nickels.

One man’s trash: Nickels proposes a 6.2% rate increase on Seattle’s garbage collection for 2008. The money would go to rebuilding the city’s garbage facilities in Wallingford and South Park, estimated to cost $110 million.

Bus stop, bus goes, lane stays, crime grows?: Third Avenue, between Yesler and Stewart, will remain a bus-only corridor during peak hours. Although this should improve traffic flow, critics note the increase in crime and trash.

Blinded by science: Scientists discover a glass sponge reef off the coast of Washington. Until recently, the reefs were thought to have gone extinct 100 million years ago. Scientists agree: they’re really cool.

School land is dirrty: The State Department of Ecology plans to spend $3.5 million to remove soil contaminated with arsenic and lead from local schools.

This one’s called The Drummer.

Somewhat confusing clue: This was taken at the Block Party. (He wasn’t playing.)

Previously in Whose Calves Are These?:

The Biker and The Bather.

Saw the first screening this afternoon with my kid. The first ten minutes—which includes a string of fast-and-furious jokes and Bart’s full-frontal skateboard ride—is worth the price of admission. Total genius. The rest of the movie, eh, kinda underwhelming. It’s good, glad I saw it, will rent it when it comes out on DVD. But it’s no South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

Hey, when are they going to make another South Park movie anyway?

David Della was a longtime, staunch opponent of the monorail, voting and speaking out against the now-scuttled project every chance he got. A Della press release issued two weeks ago once again trumpted his opposition to the project, trashing Della opponent Tim Burgess for accepting the endorsement of former Seattle Monorail Project board chairman Tom Weeks.

Under Weeks’ tenure, the monorail lost public support and was cancelled because of a flawed financing plan that ballooned to $11 billion over 50 years.

“Presenting Tim Burgess, from the people who ran the monorail into a financial sink hole,” said Della campaign consultant, Michael Grossman. “Now I understand why Tim thinks the mayor’s tunnel is such a bargain.”

Della, in other words, has hardly been shy about his disdain for the monorail and its erstwhile leaders. Which is why Weeks found it odd when Della called him—twice!—to request a donation and Weeks’s endorsement. Weeks says that Della called personally both times; the first time, he got Weeks’s answering machine, the second, his wife, Deb, who politely declined Della’s request for their support.

The weed-free edition.

How Un-American: Mexican authorities hand over Kingpin’s seized $206 million to drug treatment programs.

They CAN Fix Stupid! Scientists reverse effects of cocaine.

Can They Fix His Kind of Stupid? Orrin Hatch tries to prevent FDA from regulating tobacco.

Drug-Prisoner Activist: Virginia Resner gone but not forgotten.

Disney to Extinguish Cigarettes: All clean on the silver screen.

Tour de Farce: Juiced up but still riding high (photo for Eli).

Hello everyone. So you know how the Stranger restaurant listings now have reader reviews? I am looking for one of our most prolific and focused reader-reviewers, who goes by the name Chambers McSween, Nacho Critic.

Do you know Chambers McSween, Nacho Critic? Are you Chambers McSween, Nacho Critic? If you have any info of any sort on Chambers McSween, Nacho Critic, email me at schmader@thestranger.com.

First, some news:

Karen Allen is going to return for the next Indiana Jones movie. Even better: Spielberg has stated that the movie will feature no CG. Nice.

Now onto movies that are actually open, beginning with, of course, The Simpsons Movie. From Andrew Wright’s review: “[W]arts, post-freshness dating, needless Green Day cameos, and all, the simple fact is that I laughed more here—particularly in the first 20-minute chunk—than at any other movie this year. I’m not booing, I’m saying Boo-urns.”

Also opening: Talk to Me (“With a better script, and more life in the camera, Talk to Me might have become the movie everybody is talking about,” says Charles Mudede); Sunshine (“The term “visionary” gets batted around a lot when it comes to the sci-fi genre, but in its final, blazing moments, Boyle’s dazzling, triphoppy space opera comes closer than most,” says Andrew Wright); No Reservations (“Crack my shell, Eckhart! Crack it!” says Lindy West); Steve Buscemi’s Interview (“When you come to despise the only faces you’re given to watch, it’s hard to keep caring,” declares some jackass); My Best Friend (“Despite a promising black-comedic concept and the presence of the dependably wonderful Daniel Auteuil, that inner dimension just ain’t happening here,” says Andrew Wright); and The Trials of Darryl Hunt (“Every American should see this movie,” according to Christopher Frizzelle.

And finally, a couple interviews: Andrew Wright sat down with Sunshine director Danny Boyle, and Charles Mudede had a conversation with Talk to Me director Kasi Lemmons.

It’s Block Party madness, dudes.

Whoosh: JZ reviews Femi Kuti.

They’re Baaaack: Trent Moorman shares some Crayola outtakes.

Bell Bottom Bliss: Adam Sandler ruined this song—“Kiss You All Over”—for me.

More Mools: Spool still loves the Mools. And that still rhymes.

Anticipation: Donte Parks’ Block Party mixes.

The Buck Stops Here: Kim Hayden’s last Buck Owens appreciation post.

Calm Before the Storm: The Block Party’s set up phase.

Best Song Ever (This Week): Dan Deacon’s “Snake Mistakes.”

The Future of Ryan Adams: Here’s what to expect from him tonight.

Brokeback Mountain… For Robots: Eric Grandy on Daft Punk’s Electroma.

Ludicra Tomorrow Night: What the Block Party lacks (black metal) can be found at the Funhouse.

This Week’s Setlist: The Block Party edition!

Stranger DJs: The Stranger staffers take over the turntables.

I saw this film at last year’s SIFF (where it won Best Documentary), and it changed the way I think about the legal system. Made over 10 years, it is the story of a man who spent 20 (!) years in prison for a rape/murder he was wrongly convicted of (by an all-white jury, with testimony given by a KKK member, and then some). The film looks at the race and class bias in the justice system and the incredible work of the Innocence Project.

You won’t believe all the crap that went on in this case; it would be comic if it weren’t so awful. Also, this isn’t some old-timey case from way back when, this was 2004! This film will blow your mind.

The Trials of Darryl Hunt plays July 27 through August 2 at Northwest Film Forum.

Bonus: Hunt’s attorney Mark Rabil in attendance Friday and Saturday.

A recent email fund-raising appeal from the Hillary Clinton campaign.

(Washington Post blog headline on the subject: “Let the Cleavage Conversation Begin.”)

A letter from an old friend:

This is from an interview in The New Yorker with Avraham Burg, an Israeli Labour politician who recently recanted his Zionism. He is speaking of his retirement from political strife and his longing for European cosmopolitanism as a relief from Israeli self absorption and fanaticism.

“Life is not just to be a pioneer with a hoe and a bold fighter at Lion’s Gate,” he said. “Life is also to be a merchant in Warsaw. Unequivocally, that is a richer totality in life.”

This from a man who was once Speaker of the Knesset. The rest of the article doesn’t offer much, but this quote: “There’s richer life to be had in being a merchant! It is inexpressibly good.” It’s so rare to see a truth appear in the popular press.

That truth is the same truth that separates red states from blue ones.

Friday-afternoon braintwister: What do all of these words have in common?

Apollo, Orion, Tsunami, Phoenix, Voodoo, Pulse, Unlimited, Clix, Essence, Groove, Kilo, Marine, Touch

The average American worker wastes 1.7 hours—nearly 20%—of their workday online. The average Slog reader, significantly more.

Grad students at NYU are working on getting your plants to call you when they’re thirsty. “We hope that the system will help people learn how to take better care of their plants over time and maybe not even need the phone calls after a while.”

Computer learns baby talk. “Wow, that’s really annoying,” say researchers, and turn it off.

The CNN/YouTube debates, as imagined by local funny man Matthew Baldwin, aka The Defective Yeti. Bueno.

Twitter. I still don’t get it.

It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

For only $125, this umbrella’s handle will light up when it’s going to rain, so you don’t forget to bring it with you! Wow!

Here’s what you do: Take your computer into a room near your (roommate|(girl|boy)friend|boss|worst enemy). Open this page in 15 browser tabs, about 1 second apart. Crank up the volume, lock the door, and go buy more RAM.

Last night at the Hideout, I was talking to Jennifer Borges Foster and she interrupted me and said, “Are you drinking peach schnapps?” She smelled something on my breath. I was, in fact, drinking water. But I was chewing a piece of this—I took it out and showed her:

A couple minutes later, I was talking to Brangien Davis and she said, “What do I smell? Are you drinking peach schnapps?” I showed her the gum. “Can I try it?” she said. She put it in her mouth. I told her to anticipate tropical peach, with an edge of mint. She turned to the person next to her. “You should try this.” And then to me: “Do you have another piece?”

I had one piece left, but I am nothing if not generous. As I was digging it out of the package, Davis took an interest in the packaging and, in particular, the two words there to the right: “WITH XYLITOL.” What is xylitol? Why does it begin with an x? Will we grow an extra ear if we continue to chew it? She requested a full investigation, and as she was making this request there was a small explosion behind the bar, a liquid explosion, and all of us got hit with little droplets of something. The source of the flying liquid was never ascertained.

Davis said, “I blame xylitol.”

On the way home from the Hideout, I stopped in a grocery store and bought Tropical Twist Trident’s competitor, Citrusmint Orbit.

Huh. No mention of xylitol anywhere on the cover of the packaging. But further investigation of the miniscule text on the sides found this (blown up big so you can read it):

There it is. Xylitol. OK, xylitol: who are you and what do you want with us? Per Davis’s request, a full investigation (2 minutes on Wikipedia) has been conducted, and lo and behold, xylitol is not some awful, awful, third-ear-growing agent, but a rather docile sugar-alcohol. It is “a naturally occurring sweetener found in the fibers of many fruits and vegetables, including various berries, corn husks, oats, and mushrooms. It can be extracted from corn fiber, birch, raspberries, plums, and corn.”

Cute! But wait—there’s more!

Xylitol was first derived from Birch trees in Finland in the 19th century and was first popularized in Europe as a safe sweetener for diabetics that would not impact insulin levels…

More on Finland, the country xylitol calls home:

Xylitol is widely used in Finland, its “home country.” Many Finnish confectioneries employ xylitol, or have a xylitol version available. Virtually all chewing gum sold in Finland, as well as the rest of Europe is sweetened with xylitol.

Although, culturally, xylitol gets around:

In China, Japan and South Korea, xylitol is found in wide assortment of chewing gums. China, Korea and Japan even have a brand of gum named “Xylitol”, Japan also has a brand called “Xylish”. In addition, when Extra introduced xylitol-containing products to Hong Kong and Guangdong, the word “xylitol” is transcribed into Cantonese as “???” (Jyutping: saai³ lok⁶ to⁴), which literally means “suntan camel”, and the camel is used as a figurative icon in its advertisements.

Oh, and:

Xylitol is a “toothfriendly” sugar. In addition to not encouraging tooth decay (by replacing dietary sugars), xylitol may actively aid in repairing minor cavities caused by dental caries. Recent research confirms a plaque-reducing effect and suggests that the compound, having some chemical properties similar to sucrose, attracts and then “starves” harmful micro-organisms, allowing the mouth to remineralize damaged teeth with less interruption.

And—and!—

Xylitol also appears to have potential as a treatment for osteoporosis. A group of Finnish researchers has found that dietary xylitol prevents weakening of bones in laboratory rats, and actually improves bone density.

Plus, did I mention—

Studies have shown that xylitol chewing gum can help prevent ear infections…

I’m sorry, there’s just so much—

ASICS Corp., a Japanese company, markets a line of women’s t-shirts with xylitol infused into the fabric. Xylitol, like several other sugar alcohols, exhibits a cooling effect in the mouth. The t-shirts are intended to utilize this same property to keep a person cooler in warm weather.

Downsides: it’s a mild laxative (hasn’t had this effect on yours truly) and one time scientists fed a standard poodle a shitload of xylitol and it died.

Somewhat off topic: I’m starting a band called Berries, Corn Husks, Oats, and Mushrooms.

Check out the headlines for the story about a British report linking pot smoking and psychosis, which the AP blasted around the globe and Jonah derided this morning.

From the Seattle PI: “Marijuana may increase risk of becoming psychotic, study finds”

From the Washington Post: “Pot Ups Risk for Mental Illness”

From Fox News: “Study: Even Infrequent Use of Marijuana Increases Risk of Psychosis by 40 Percent”

By reading these headlines, you would believe recent findings show conclusive evidence that marijuana use leads to increased risk of psychoses. You would be wrong. The report is actually based on a meta-analysis of previously debunked studies, and the findings, as the article’s text immediately volunteers, are completely ambiguous:

The researchers said they couldn’t prove that marijuana use itself increases the risk of psychosis, a category of several disorders with schizophrenia being the most commonly known.

There could be something else about marijuana users, “like their tendency to use other drugs or certain personality traits, that could be causing the psychoses,” Zammit said.

Enter an American scientist from the federal government’s don’t-do-drugs-or-we’ll-send-you-to-the-slammer campaign:

Dr. Wilson Compton, a senior scientist at the National Institute on Drug Abuse in Washington, called the study persuasive.

“The strongest case is that there are consistencies across all of the studies,” and that the link was seen only with psychoses — not anxiety, depression or other mental health problems, he said.

That’s a tepid warning from a man paid to scream about the dangers of drugs. He’s willing to admit that previous studies have only one thing in common—that more hardcore stoners are psychotic than non-stoners—but they don’t know why they share that commonality.

Is this not obvious? If this study shows anything, it’s that psychotics are smoking pot to chill the fuck out. They’re self medicating. But now the study is being trotted out to convince parents their children will go nutso if they fire up a spliff… Why?

In the U.K., the government will soon reconsider how marijuana should be classified in its hierarchy of drugs. In 2004, it was downgraded and penalties for possession were reduced. Many expect marijuana will be bumped up to a class “B” category, with offenses likely to lead to arrests or longer jail sentences.

Two of the authors of the study were invited experts on the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs Cannabis Review in 2005. Several authors reported being paid to attend drug company-sponsored meetings related to marijuana, and one received consulting fees from companies that make antipsychotic medications.

For Moses, it’s splitting the waters and walking on the bottom of the sea; for Jesus, it’s walking on water; for Muhammad, it’s flying through the sky to Jerusalem. Each miracle represents, according to the logic of Islam, a step in a movement that it completes.

An oral surgeon who temporarily implanted fake boar tusks in his assistant’s mouth as a practical joke and got sued for it has gotten the state’s high court to back up his gag.

Dr. Robert Woo of Auburn had put in the phony tusks while the woman was under anesthesia for a different procedure. He took them out before she awoke, but he first shot photos that eventually made it around the office.

This story is so weird I can’t believe it: The assistant grew up on a farm with pot-bellied pigs, couldn’t stop talking about them, and obviously missed them. The surgeon is described as a “kindhearted, fun-loving man,” a joker, a nice old geezer.

Put the two together and disaster strikes:

The oral surgery on Alberts was intended to replace two of her teeth with implants, which Woo did. First, though, he installed temporary bridges that he had shaped to look like boar tusks, and while Alberts was still under anesthesia, he took photos, some with her eyes propped open. Before she woke up, he removed the “tusks” and put in the proper replacement teeth.

When the farm girl found out, she freaked, quit, and sued her boss. He tried to apologize. She wouldn’t hear it. Everyone’s feelings were hurt.

The two settled out of court but the surgeon’s insurance wouldn’t cover the costs so he turned around and sued them.

He lost. He appealed. Then he won.

In a sprightly 5-4 decision, Supreme Court Justice Mary Fairhurst wrote that Woo’s practical joke was an integral, if odd, part of the assistant’s dental surgery and “conceivably” should trigger the professional liability coverage of his policy.

Integral? How? The Seattle Times does not explain.

If you’ve ever wondered what the Seattle metro area would be like if drivers were less coddled, I present to you the I-5 Spokane Street to I-90 Bridge Repair.

The work on northbound I-5 will require some of the most extensive lane and ramp closures Seattle drivers have ever seen. I-5 will be reduced to two or three lanes during the daytime, and sometimes just one lane overnight, during the intensive 19-day period, Aug. 10 through 29…

Drivers will likely face lengthy backups and significant delays on freeways and city streets from 4 a.m. to midnight. Traffic will be the worst during the morning rush hours. The August construction lane closures will create long backups on northbound I-5 and will push traffic onto other routes, including city streets in Georgetown, SODO, Rainier Valley and Beacon Hill. WSDOT anticipates I-405 and State Route 99 will be popular freeway alternatives. Trucks will be encouraged to use I-405, East Marginal Way South and Airport Way South.

Backups and delays will not be limited to the Seattle area and south end; they will spread to the Eastside. We expect the typical morning congestion on I-405 to extend throughout the day. Many more trucks will be using I-405 during this construction. Other drivers will also choose I-405 as an alternate route.

Will the city continue to exist when thousands of solo-drivers are faced with getting on a bus, taking a train, using a water ferry, walking, or cycling to work? How will people adapt? Just how unsustainable is ‘driving until you qualify’ for a suburban McMansion? Does car capacity matter—or is it more commuter capacity? What is the local climate impact of all the cars?

This is basically a wonderful prospective study of these questions—provided the data is collected. It’s even more informative because only one direction of I-5 will be closed. Much like when the Viaduct closed after the earthquake, we can get a peek into what a very different Seattle would be like. I’m so excited!

In fact, this reminds me of one of my all-time favorite climate change papers, taking advantage of the mandatory grounding of all commercial aircraft from September 11th to 14th in 2001:

Some researchers have speculated that persisting contrails exacerbate “global warming” in areas where they most frequently occur…Previous attempts to identify a contrail effect in the climate record have been based mostly on circumstantial evidence…
These results support the hypothesis that the grounding of all commercial aircraft in U.S. airspace, and the consequent elimination of substantial jet contrail coverage during the 11–14 September 2001 grounding period, helped produce an enhanced surface DTR in those areas that typically experience the greatest numbers of jet contrails during the fall season (e.g. the Midwest).

What questions do you want answered from the great I-5 shutdown of 2007?

We can separate Christians into two great camps: on one side, those who read the events in the New Testament as having literally happened; on the other side, those who read the events as symbolic. We can also determine those in the former category as tending to be politically conservative, and those in the latter as tending to be liberal. But, ultimately, Christian symbolists have a much weaker theological position than literalists. Why? Because symbolism reduces the bible to picture-thinking, a lower order of language that speaks to those in the lower orders—the poor, the uneducated, the great unwashed. To grasp the complexity of God, they need a simple and symbolic explanation. In short, symbolism is snobbish.

Also, if you don’t take Jesus’ death and resurrection literally, it means that God could have told the story of salvation in another way. Meaning, it empties the real life of Jesus of its peculiarity and makes it nothing more than an expression of a universal language. Meaning, the story is not fixed but is rewritable. Meaning, God could easily have used different characters and locations and not lost the substance of His message—salvation. But the victory and significance of Christianity is that it transforms God’s infinity into a particular, an individual. It humanizes the spirit.

Christian symbolists hold onto the New Testament by its tail; Christian literalists ride the feral book on its back.

Which Stranger staffer will be the first to crack?

People who smoke marijuana daily or weekly double their risk of developing a psychotic illness over their lifetime, according to a study published Thursday.

Among all cannabis users, including sporadic experimenters and habitual users, the lifetime risk of psychotic illness increased by 40%, the report said.

“It’s not as if you smoke a joint and you’re going to go crazy,” said Richard Rawson, who directs the Integrated Substance Abuse Program at UCLA and was not involved in the study.

But he cautioned: “It’s definitely not a good idea to use heavy amounts of marijuana.”

Via the LA Times

Capitol Hill Block Party (FESTIVAL) It’s the opposite of urban flight: The best of Seattle converges in the heart of the city for the Capitol Hill Block Party this weekend. This year’s bacchanal boasts its most impressive lineup ever, standing alongside music festivals twice its size. You can’t go wrong either day, but Friday—featuring the sugar-boosted metapop of Girl Talk and the socialist, soulful hiphop of Blue Scholars—is simply world class. (Broadway and E Pike St, www.thestranger.com/blockparty. 3 pm, $15, all ages. .) JONATHAN ZWICKEL

More Stranger Suggests for this week.

There’s a new bumbleress stinking up YouTube. Please welcome Merry Miller!

Speaking of pretty women doing stupid things, Lindsay Lohan is in deep, deep shit.

(Thank you, Defamer.)

This is most awful thing ever.

A conspiracy theory:

Good one, Stranger.

For months now someone calling himself “ecce homo” has been posting comments constantly. He’s your most dedicated troll, always on Slog, he’s rude, he’s obnoxious, and he’s positively obsessed with Dan Savage. And who else do we know that’s constantly on Slog, constantly posting, rude, obnoxious, and positively obsessed with Dan Savage?

Dan Savage.

Dan Savage is “ecce homo,” and “ecce homo” is Dan Savage. Want proof? Late last night Savage posted this comment to one of his own Slog posts:

Okay. I was at Pony tonight for Circus, and I thought I saw this guy—this girly boy or the boyly girl that’s tormenting me. But just as suddenly as he or she appeared, he or she was gone. Maybe I hallucinated him/her.

Posted by Dan Savage | July 26, 2007 11:54 PM

Nine minutes later “ecce homo” posted this comment:

How was the Glory hole, “Dad”?

Gonna write your next book on what an attentive and admirable parent you are?

Posted by ecce homo | July 27, 2007 12:05 AM

According to previous posts written by this “ecce homo” person, he’s a respectable, sober-minded, suburban gay dad with two children. And yet there he was, ready to pounce on Savage at midnight, minutes after Dan himself posted comment to an old Slog post written by Dan himself.

Usually when people engage in sock puppetry it’s to defend themselves or stroke their own ego. Leave it to Savage to create a sock puppet to beat himself up.

—Curt

Yesterday I got this cryptic e-mail from my friend Mike Ragen, entitled “kickball”:

i shot it, my friend matt daniels directed and edited

-mike

It linked to this video:

When pressed for more information, Mike wrote:

its a kickball taunt video. my friends are on a kickball team and one of the teams they are playing does video taunts so we decided to outdo them.

I haven’t seen the other team’s video, but whatever. Mission fucking accomplished.

The GOP was supposed to have a CNN/YouTube debate of its own in the near future, but Giuliani has bailed out and it looks like others might as well. Only John McCain and Ron Paul have agreed to actually show up. Two theories, from TPM readers, about why a YouTube debate might be so worrisome for some Republicans:

You realize why Rudy doesn’t like the YouTube debate format, right? He doesn’t want the NY fire fighter’s to get a clean shot at him on national TV. Maybe Newt was right. Maybe pygmies is the perfect word…

And…

One of the thoughts that occurred to me with regards to the Democratic Youtube debate was how weird the questions for the GOP candidates could potentially be. For the Democratic debates, most of the issues that are on the table are pretty mainstream, like healthcare and Iraq and poverty and global warming, and thus its pretty difficult for the standard rank-and-file member of the democratic base to ask them in an amusing viral format like Youtube and still come out as looking too bizarre (unless they happen to be a talking snowman). As far as issues like illegal immigration and “coercive interrogation techniques” go, how does one ask questions like this in a Youtube format in an amusing way? The differences between the GOP base and the political mainstream can seem less extreme when asked by someone like Wolf Blitzer, but if presented from the standard GOP rank-and-file member of the base, it seemed like a great way to show how unhinged the GOP has become on some of these issues. Personally, I’m surprised the GOP ever got close to agreeing to this format, and once the Democratic debate happened and showed the format in action, I didn’t see how it could have been pulled off by the GOP.

The thing about the movie Police Beat, which just came out on DVD, is it’s less a movie and more a piece of writing. It’s an essay. The essay is about white people, about ambition, about trying to please a woman who has different values than you do, about the difference between what you see and what you know, about jealousy, about understanding all too well. Z, the immigrant who narrates, wears his cop uniform and rides his cop bike and delivers the essay in his native Wolof and a little French, with English subtitles. Yes, the cinematography in Police Beat is dreamy, but the movie would be nowhere without the words.

Like, there’s a scene in the middle of the movie when Z is riding his bike around a very leafy Capitol Hill. It’s pretty. There’s piano music. He’s thinking about stuff. He hasn’t heard from his lady in longer than he’s okay with. His patrol partner has taken up heroin. He’s met a lot of shrieking, vituperative, blood-splattered citizens on his beat lately, but you can tell he’s really just thinking about his lady and why she hasn’t called.

He thinks:

Who am I? I am a problem solver…

And then:

Why? Because I have all these problems…

And then:

And I am by no means alone…

And then (pace doesn’t change but here, so you don’t have to keep scrolling):

To live is to solve problems. That’s the definition of everything… Leaves are stretching out for light because that’s their problem… Ants move dirt because that’s their problem… Flowers are bright not for lovers, but because they have problems….

That’s writing. That’s pure Charles Mudede.

You know what isn’t writing? The text on the back of the Police Beat DVD box.

It goes a little something like this:

From the boldly original director of the controversial Zoo, this is not your typical crime story! Based on actual police reports, Robinson Devor’s critically acclaimed film follows Z, a rookie bicycle cop in Seattle, as he investigates a series of unsettling crimes. A new West African immigrant separated from his girlfriend, Z views all his cases through the eyes of a heartbroken outsider. The city’s many outrageous and offbeat crimes become a surreal reflection of Z’s disorientation and pain. Ride along on this intense emotional journey through the urban jungle in this lyrical spin on the POLICE BEAT.

Whee!

I guess it sounds very movie-ish, but man if that isn’t a disappointing way to summarize Police Beat. “Not your typical crime story!” “Outrageous and offbeat crimes”! “Writing” like this not only gives you no sense of what the movie is like, it’s exactly what the movie isn’t: badly written and studded with clichés. The person who wrote Police Beat, who shares a cubicle wall with me, told me to take my grievance to Northwest Film Forum, the main producer. NWFF’s Michael Seiwerath said that the DVD’s text and art came from Image Entertainment, the distributor. Attempts to find the writer within the Image Entertainment empire who wrote the Police Beat DVD text have proven unsuccessful.

Olympia pharmacists sue in Federal Court over new rule that guarantees customers can get Plan B.

Sigh. We’ve been here before.

I’ve been searching for photos of Seattle’s old municipal building—our old city hall, which was torn down in 2003, just at the moment that it was becoming kind of interesting, architecturally speaking. Built in 1962, our old municipal building had a sort of Marcus-Welby/Police-Woman-esque charm. But we tore it down to make way for a much grander City Hall.

And guess what the city council voted to destroy along with the old municipal building? Why, a fountain. It sat just in the plaza just outside the doors on the 5th Avenue side of the municipal building. I used to walk past it every day on my to work. I thought it was pretty cool, this old fountain. It featured a large rectangular monolith sitting in a small pool—picture a green, mod version of the monolith in 2001: A Space Odyssey. A pattern of squares covered both sides of the gently curving, 12 foot-tall monolith. And there were benches around the fountain—you know, benches where a person could sit in quiet contemplation.

So when it came to building a new city hall, the Seattle city council voted to destroy a fountain, trash a work of art, and deprive us all of a place of quiet contemplation. Because this particular work of art got in the way of building a gaudy new civic palace where the members of the City Council would work. But when it comes to building a new skatepark—which the city has promised to do for years—the city council is suddenly concerned about preserving fountains and neglected pieces of public art and places of quiet contemplation.

Hypocrites.

Does anyone have pictures of the old municipal building? And the fountain on the 5th Avenue side? I’d love to post ‘em.

I’ll be on KUOW’s Weekday this morning starting at 10 a.m., talking about the news of the week with other local journalists.

Probable topics: Gonzales and contempt, Bush and subpoenas, cheese-and-wire terrorism, the YouTube debate, the Burner/Tom race, and the death penalty. Plus whatever you call in about.

“Meth mouth”: Congress doesn’t like it..

Fidel Castro: Mysteriously absent during Cuba celebrations.

Masturbation: Worse than prison rape?

Chinese software pirates:Busted!

Obama: Doomed by astrology?

Global Warming: Hates South Texas.

Mueller: Gonzales lied.

The Dow-Jones Industrial Average: Biggest slide since February.

Baboons: Have this whole birth control thing all figured out.

Recipe of the Day: Grilled Pizza Margherita (Recipe from, of all places, the Food Network)

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Process queens are running amuck in Michigan. The Office of LGBT Affairs at the University of Michigan has concluded that its name oppresses some people. Or everybody. Or something.

The letters LGBT, as representative of the identities lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender, are no longer inclusive of the diversity of the community. Changing trends in identification tell us that the community of LGBT people go by any number of terms, including Queer.

Sorry, UM, but “queer” is so 1991. Today’s ‘mos prefer the term “invert,” or “third sex.” But it’s not just L, G, and B that are problematic, but also T, as….

…many consider transgender to mean transsexual when the term is intended to be an “umbrella term” for anyone who transgresses the boundaries of the gender binary.

And guess what? The name “Office of LGBT Affairs” oppresses straight people too, a.ka. “allies.” So they’re going to change the name. Great! So call a meeting, toss some ideas around, and pick a new name. Easy! Ah, no. That’s not the way it works in the LGBTQIALMNOP community. Everyone has to be included, every voice has to be heard, input welcomed, feelings honored, etc., etc., etc. And a respectful, inclusive process takes time. How much time?

Three years.

TIMELINE FOR NAME CHANGE PROCESS

Fall 2005, Winter 2006

Consistent feedback received about the exclusiveness of the letters in office name

October, 2006

Preliminary informal discussions with students, staff and faculty.
Developed Environmental Scan Survey about possible Name Change

November, 2006

Initiated discussion at Creating Change, National LGBT Conference, with National Consortium of directors of LGBT Directors in Higher Education

December 2006-January 2007

Online Survey is administered and sent through all of our email listservs

January, 2007

Analyzed Data from Survey—results indicate interest in name change

February/March, 2007

Conversations with Sue Eklund, AVP, Dean of Students and Royster Harper, Vice President of Student Affairs
Student Intern conducts research on names of offices across the United States

April, 2007

Develop one page document and talking points for name change

June, 2007

Approval received from Sue Eklund, AVP, Dean of Students and Royster Harper, VP of Students to move forward with this process

Summer, 2007

Will identify overall programmatic goals for 2007-2008 with our ThemeYear title of “What’s in a Name?”

We will meet with stakeholders on campus including, Women’s Studies, Institute for Research on Women and Gender, School of Social Work, Office of Institutional Equity

Develop information for Web Page about Name Change Process

Fall, 2007

Forums will be held for ideas and feedback about and for name change with U of M community members

Evaluate feedback and reevaluate timeframe and process

We meet specifically with the LGBT Caucus of the Students of Color of Rackham

Will identify budget and infrastructure implications

December, 2007

Name Change Decision Made

Spring, 2008

Transition Process begins for name change

We will have a contest for the logo.

July 1, 2008

Transition fully completed

Sometimes our movement moves so slowly that it looks like it’s not moving at all—or moving backwards.

UPDATE: Some folks think I’m being an asshole about this. UM’s LGBT group is just trying to be inclusive! And there I go making fun of them when all they want is to make everyone feel all warm and included and heard and shit! But I’m not mocking them for wanting to change the name, Alex, I’m mocking them for dragging this process out for three fucking years. I’m all for inclusiveness—got no problem with it, all for it, big fan. “So call a meeting, toss some ideas around, and pick a new name,” I wrote. But don’t take three years to do it—my God, think of all the Ls, Gs, Bs, Ts, Qs, Is, TSs, etc., that are going to have to get their degrees and leave Michigan before the name is finally changed! If folks are feeling oppressed by LGBT how can UM justify taking three years to process its way toward an inclusive name for the group?

But some folks do agree with me—like this guy, and this guy.

A woman is standing at a busy intersection—where Denny crosses over the freeway—reading the new Harry Potter book.

I did not ask if I could take this photo, because she was so far away and there were cars streaking between us. As we crossed in the intersection, I said, “How’s the book?” and she said, quickly, “It’s good.”

The next day, I’m walking by Rite Aid and I see this guy, evidently without a home, on the ground reading the new Harry Potter book.

I ask if I can take his photo and he says, “If you want.” I ask how the book is, and he says, “It’s good.”

The following evening at the Hideout is a party for the release of the new issue of Rivet. It looks as follows.

It includes the work of Ellen Forney, Brangien Davis, Jennifer Borges Foster, Susan Robb (a genius), and Jennifer Zeyl (also a genius). I asked the editor of Rivet, Leah Baltus, how the new issue is. The glow of a juke box behind her was lighting up her hair. She said, “It’s good.”

Water Fountain off Galer at the entrance to the path by the Volunteer Park Tennis Courts. As a rule, outdoor water fountains suck. Imagine my surprise.

Temperature: Not chilly-cold, and not even really cold, but colder than the first rush of water from your faucet. Colder than room temperature. Who knew? Score: 4

Stream: Every outdoor water fountain I’ve ever come across, if it even works, has zero pressure and zero height. Wow. This worked up to a high, not insubstantial, arc. It wasn’t strong or thick, but it was defined. Score: 5

Hum: No electric buzz here, but this fountain has a white noise pipe rush. You can hear the rush loud and clear because the pipe is exposed, attached to the stand. That was my favorite part. Score: 6

Style This fountain, at some in point in time, was going for a classic Roman look. It’s got a ceramic pillar stand, a silver bowl atop, and an ornamental, raised drain in the center. Of course, since it’s outside, the whole show is decayed with hints of moss. The pipe too. The push button is perched on the back of the bowl. It gives a dose of solid resistance for your thumb. Score: 5

Brand: Unknown.

Comments: I’m startled. It’s also shaded by a tree, set on a peaceful, leafy dirt pathway.

Final Score: 5 out of possible 10

Previously:
Water Fountain at SCCC gym.

Someone was just trying to fly a kite on the baseball field at Cal Anderson. Wasn’t working. There’s no wind, and it’s dark.

An avid reader pointed out that the hole in the ground by Mike’s Chili Parlor in Ballard is not, contrary to what it says in my Frito pie roundup in this week’s paper, a Mars Hill Church expansion, but rather a mixed-use development that will include a Trader Joe’s. We regret the error, and appreciate the readership!

In this week’s paper, I had a small piece about the most recent delay in the relocation of the SeaSk8 skatepark, which was formerly located just east of Seattle Center.

On Monday, City Council was supposed to vote on a plan — previously approved by the council’s parks committee — to relocate SeaSk8 next to the Vera Project, on the north side of Key Arena. The vote was postponed until August 6th, due to some indecision about whether the fugly Du Pen fountain, which currently occupies the site, should be ripped out in favor of a skatepark.

The Du Pen family wasn’t happy about the fountain’s removal and several Council members received emails citing Du Pen as one of the few spots in the Center where families can hang out.

Newsflash: THERE’S ALREADY A HUGE FOUNTAIN, LIKE, 50 FEET AWAY!!!

It’s also worth noting that Du Pen gets used as a skate spot anyway, when it’s not full of water.

City Council rep Tom Rasmussen says he hadn’t heard about the controversial plan for Du Pen’s removal until the weekend before the vote. “I open the paper this weekend and see it’s going to go smack in the middle of this sculpture in Seattle Center. That’s when I expressed concern about this site. The council’s gotten really frustrated because we haven’t gotten a lot of good [skatepark relocation] choices presented to us.” Rasmussen has been a big supporter of skateparks in the past, and is all for a Seask8 rebuild, but he says he doesn’t want to see the Du Pen fountain ripped up

Council member Richard Conlin agrees that the Du Pen site isn’t optimal. He points to a scrapped plan for a site on Broad Street— which fell apart due to pressure from the Center’s Century 21 committee— as his first choice. “I supported the Broad Street location,” Conlin says. “I thought that was the ideal situation.” Although the Broad Street site isn’t happening, and the Du Pen site is less than optimal, Conlin says he’ll push for a resolution during the August 6th Council vote. “We’ve got to do this [and] I believe we have the votes at this point.”

SeaSk8’s latest delay has drawn a fiery response from Seattle’s skate community. The folks at the Skate Park Advisory Committee have done an admirable job of lobbying the city and have worked too hard for SeaSk8 to die again. Hopefully, the city can get it together and finally rebuild the long-promised and too-long delayed skatepark.

On Sleestak, a local skateboard website, blogger “Bobcat” offers up a unique way to solve the SeaSk8 problem:

Here’s my solution fuckwads: Give us a 1/4 of that barely used parking lot north of the opera house. Since it seems to rain in Seattle (oh the horror!), that would be an excellent place to put skaters and keep us out of the main Seattle Center rotting core.

Take it away, Inside Edition:

Lindsay Lohan reportedly has an explanation for the cocaine in her pocket—the star says she was wearing someone else’s pants.

This one’s for you, Lindsay, published in The Stranger five years ago today:

This one is called Bulla and Bobo.

This one’s called The Boss.

Previously in Whose Calves Are These?:

The Biker and The Bather.

Introducing the Hillary Clinton nut-cracker:

(All praise to hot tipper Nipper.)

Bell Bottom Bliss: “My Love Is Alive” by