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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

The Sky, EXPOSED! (Or: Rose Colored Glasses—-A Giddy Rant About My New Sunglasses!)

posted by on June 27 at 15:21 PM

sunglasses.jpg

These are my new sunglasses. Do you love them? God damn it, I do. And how! They are my very first pair of real sunglasses, you must understand, and I understand how retarded that sounds, but, fuck you. I never got in the habit of wearing sunglasses, for reasons far beyond the grasp of common man. Okay, itís because Iím too damn gay to wear sunglasses. Iím so damn gay that little things, like wearing sunglasses, push me right over the big gay edge. For me, wearing sunglasses is much like throwing a Molotov cocktail at a man on fire. It can take me from simply “gay” to Richard Simmons with a pussy gayÖ.to Ryan Fucking Seacrest gay. (Shudder.) I might as well wear hoop earrings. Or a hoopskirt. Or hoop earrings wearing little hoopskirts—and then prance around with sperm dripping down my chin and Mark Finley riding piggyback on my shoulders. And that’s gay, child. Damn gay.

And all of this is quite tragic, because my life has been a life lived lookingÖdown. My skin is whiter than Godís dentistís apron, you see, and scientific studies have proved that my eyes are twice as sensitive as a drunken spinster on the rag. I squint and squint and squint, and in all of my wide and dusty travels (the Great Capitols! Far-flung and mysterious places!), all I mostly remember is one big gray sidewalk. Paris? I remember the sidewalk. Rome? The sidewalk. Amsterdam? Hookers, brownies, and the sidewalk. The sun just hates me too much. My fair little eyes canít endure its merciless burn.

But now. Now! Oh, how things have changed!

Now I have these wonderful new sunglasses. I finally just broke down, gave up, gave in, and bought a pair—-ďtoo gayĒ be damned!—-and what a miracle they turned out to be! I never take them off. Outside, inside, day, night, reading in the tub, boiling an artichoke, whatever. I even wear them to dark nightclubs and look like a totally pretentious cocksucking dickweed, but fuck you again. Maybe I want people to think I do more drugs than I do. (My eyes are suspiciously uncloudedóit makes the hipsters nervous.) But Iím not here to justify anything. Iím here to talk about the clouds.

Why didnít anybody tell me?

These wonderful sunglasses (bless them!) have opened up glorious new vistas for poor, watery-eyed little me—-they have introduced me to the sky, for one thing, and all sorts of really astonishing things I was never able to pay attention to before. Crazy shit is going on up there! What an astonishing thing it is to watch the relentless roil and boil of restless clouds, and how thrilling it is to watch a common airplane roar, chewing up the sky! And birds! Theyíre really up there, too! Swooping all over the damn place—-all kinds of them! Remarkable. Iím like a ten year old boy…amazed at common things, always looking up. Itís a whole new world.

Plus, sunglasses are secretly beer goggles. They bathe all of the world in bar lighting! Ergo, I want to make out with everyone. Everyone is at least ten percent hotter, and nobody has zits. And, ironically, I think I might even be a little…well…less gay when I wear the sunglasses, as theyíve allowed my gaze to drift high enough to really consider boobies for the first time. Interesting things, arenít they? Boobies?

Oh, wonderful sunglasses! How I love them! Is there anything they canít do?! I regret every moment that I was estranged from them. Iíll never take them off again.

Ever.

RSS icon Comments

1

Dear Adrian,

I was having a crappy day. Until I read this post.

You can stare at my boobies any day.

Love,
Kate

Posted by Kate | June 27, 2007 3:40 PM
2

Wow - the SLOG has really lost focus.

Any chance you can Gay this thing down a bit. This is all starting to get a bit tedious and un-fun.

I'm Audi.

Posted by Yawn | June 27, 2007 3:43 PM
3

oh adrian, i too remember the beautiful sidewalks of paris. but i already have to wear glasses and i can't wear contacts and so i'd have to walk around with TWO pair of glasses, waxing on and off all the time and i'm already a big gay dyke geek from hell.

why did you have to write this and make it all seem worthwhile?

this little post of yours is going to end up costing me a $1,000 (i'm really fucking blind).

damn you, damn you to hell you funny, funny little man.

Posted by chuckles | June 27, 2007 3:47 PM
4

There are waaaaaay more straights on staff than gays. If Slog is too gay, don't slam the gays for, as the kids say, "bringing it." Blame the straights for slacking. As the kids say. Or said. Whatever.

Posted by Dan Savage | June 27, 2007 3:49 PM
5

Ahh HAH, so that's why you were going on and on about a woodpecker on the sidewalk. Now, whilst looking up, the joys of birds sitting in trees is yours. Enjoy!!

Posted by The Peanut Gallery | June 27, 2007 4:01 PM
6

if you think sunglasses make you happy, you should try Laser Eye Surgery. going from 6 diopters of myopia since 2nd grade to 20/15 in 40 minutes is mind-bending.

vision is nice!

Posted by maxsolomon | June 27, 2007 4:38 PM
7

I'm with you! I think boobies are awesome. But I'm straight, so I'm not supposed to say things like that. It's apparently skeevy.

whoops!

Posted by Lee Gibson | June 27, 2007 4:39 PM
8

Whatever. This is so last century.

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 27, 2007 5:15 PM
9

Dude, why do you think I started wearing the cowboy hat? Now who's gay?

Posted by Grant Cogswell | June 27, 2007 6:40 PM
10

Good, now I can stop saying, "Adrian, my eyes are up HERE!"

Posted by Paulus | June 27, 2007 6:59 PM
11

@ 3:

Two words: clip ons. Most prescription frames can be fitted with matching clip on sunglasses, so you don't look like some tourist from Topeka with those awful store-bought flip up things.

And Adrian:

Can you teach Charles how to write like this?

Please?

Posted by COMTE | June 27, 2007 7:03 PM
12

You must be really high to write this much about your sunglasses!

Posted by gameboy | June 27, 2007 8:22 PM
13

Man, this brightened my evening.

Posted by Darcy | June 27, 2007 8:41 PM
14

This post was the funniest goddamned thing I've read in a long time.

I know your pain. Being of Scotch/Irish ancestry, I don't tan--I freckle and burn. And my eyes are practically allergic to daylight.

So I've been wearing prescription sunglasses any time I leave the house for well over a decade now.

Yes, they truly rose-tint the world. When I'm in the country, the entire landscape is prettier, far more richly and subtly colored with the sunglasses than without. As dusk approaches, the sunsets are far more vived.

An added bonus is the ability to check out straight guys, letting your gaze linger as long as you like without them realizing it, because nobody can see your eyes.

Posted by Tuffy | June 28, 2007 1:55 AM
15

You should really steam your artichokes, not boil them. Put a bay leaf in the water, too.

Posted by Kate | June 28, 2007 12:57 PM
16

Used to wear a pair of rose-tinted glasses when I had contacts.

Now clip-on sunglasses are the way to go for me. The flip-up kind.

Posted by Simon | June 28, 2007 3:47 PM

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