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Thursday, June 7, 2007

Let There Be Riots

posted by on June 7 at 11:45 AM

If you haven’t heard, asshole heiress Paris Hilton was released from prison this morning, “reassigned” to 40 days home detention.

Clearly, this is a mile-high mountain of bullshit. The official reason for Hilton’s early release: unspecified “medical issues,” which were presumably too great for the prison infirmary to handle but not so serious that Hilton required medical attention beyond what was available at her West Hollywood home, where she was taken upon her release.

Entertainment Tonight reports “Sources close to the Hilton family tell ET the medical reason was actually a rash she developed on her body.” (According to People, Paris was having trouble behind bars. “She cries all day,” a source told the magazine. “She looks unwashed, she has no makeup and her hair is tangled. She cried audibly through the first two nights.”)

Understandably, people are pissed. Count me in.

I wonder how Martha Stewart feels about all this…

RSS icon Comments


Everyone grab and pitchfork and a brick and head for West Hollywood!!

Posted by Original Andrew | June 7, 2007 11:50 AM

Oh, the suspense! What will "Sean" say next?!?!

I'm not that pissed. There is still hope. We must revolt. And eat her. With spoons. Not forks.

She would make one kickass Bjork Chop.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 7, 2007 11:53 AM

I agree with Andrew. This calls for some old-fashioned vigilante brouhaha. Only I wouldn't be caught dead in West Hollywood...for anything.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 7, 2007 11:55 AM

ooh! can we put her in the stocks and tattoo a scarlett 'A' on her tushie?

Posted by Special K | June 7, 2007 11:58 AM

Poor dear, she was on the edge of a nervous breakdown: From TMZ:

Law enforcement sources tell TMZ Paris Hilton's medical condition was purely psychological and that she was in peril of having a nervous breakdown, and that's why she was released early this morning.

Psychiatrist Charles Sophy visited Hilton in jail yesterday and the day before. We're told after Sophy's visit yesterday, word was passed to the Sheriff that Hilton's mental state was fragile and she was at risk.

The reason for releasing her had nothing to do with a rash or other physical issues. It was purely in her head.

Posted by raindrop | June 7, 2007 11:58 AM

Wow, this sets a great precedent for getting out of jail that i plan to take advantage of next time i get locked up. Just squirt a few. What a totally used up worthless beeeeeeeotch.

Posted by longball | June 7, 2007 12:03 PM

To be fair to Paris, the unofficial policy of LA County is to release anyone who is sentenced to a 60 day or less term for a non-violent crime within 24 hours. Because LA jails are totally overcrowded.

In fact Michelle Rodriguez of LOST fame and fortune was sentenced to 60 days and served like 10 hours.

So, actually, the only reason she had to serve even FIVE days was because she's Paris, and if they had let her out after a day, there would have been a big brouhaha.

So yeah. Don't blame Paris. Blame the war on drugs and overcrowded LA jails.

Posted by arduous | June 7, 2007 12:15 PM

I just donít think Iím going to be able to answer the phones or complete paperwork today. My metal state is fragile and Iím at risk. I also may be suffering from dehydration and exhaustion, which only Seasons 2 and 3 of Veronica Mars on DVD can cure.

Posted by Original Andrew | June 7, 2007 12:15 PM

I'm going on record: the bitch needs to be put down.

Posted by Gomez | June 7, 2007 12:24 PM

That rash had NOTHING to do with jail. I'm just sayin.

Posted by monkey | June 7, 2007 12:25 PM

Could she have been in drug withdrawal? That could be actually dangerous and could be dealt with at home? I don't know.

Posted by jkjk | June 7, 2007 12:49 PM

She spent the first two nights in jail crying?

Of course she did and it has nothing to do with how miserable L.A. County is. It's just that crying is what you do for the first few days of coming down off of a 5 year coke bender.

Posted by I Should Know, I'm Lionel Richie | June 7, 2007 1:01 PM

That's it. I'm starting a nonprofit organization with the aim of teaching convicted felons (nonviolent offenders, of course) how to be crybabies so they can get out of jail free.

Posted by keshmeshi | June 7, 2007 1:09 PM

Mr. Poe @2:

Oh, the suspense! What will "Sean" say next?!?!

This, in case you missed it.

Posted by Sean | June 7, 2007 1:21 PM

A link to the Drudge Report with some libelous fake report about Al Sharpton? Could we get a warning before clicking on some racist b.s.? Thx.

Posted by vegetable lasagna | June 7, 2007 1:22 PM

it was a joke veggie. some people just dont have that dry sense of humor around here...

Posted by Bellevue Ave | June 7, 2007 1:29 PM

Oh, and hey, by the way: the Senate Judiciary Committee voted today to restore habeas corpus, but eight senators voted against restoring it. La, la, la. Can somebody pass the sports page?

Posted by Phil M | June 7, 2007 1:36 PM

too bad; Paris really needed the whole sentence to come down off her ego. 2 days of crying is 1/20th of what she needs.

martha stewart got FUCKED.

Posted by maxsolomon | June 7, 2007 1:37 PM

A "rash", you say?

Give us the lowdown. Was it ... was it COOTIES?

Posted by RonK, Seattle | June 7, 2007 1:42 PM


I feel for Paris more than I feel for you. That's not saying anything. So that much has been said.

Oh, and hey! DIE!

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 7, 2007 1:45 PM

Thx b.a, links to Drudge 'look at that crazy nigger' shit are hilarious, just like you are.

Posted by vegetable lasagna | June 7, 2007 2:12 PM

3 days outta 45?

Iím still waiting for this headline:


Posted by bb | June 7, 2007 2:15 PM

Good news, your wait is over!

Simpson verdict "Not Guilty"

Posted by Sean | June 7, 2007 2:20 PM

This is just to prepare us for Libby's pardon next week.

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 7, 2007 2:21 PM

Paris has a "rash"? That's usually a polite way of saying gonorrhea.

Posted by phenics | June 7, 2007 2:25 PM

Sean: Hah. Nice one.

Posted by Judah | June 7, 2007 2:29 PM

Sean's right. In your face Rev. Al, nice one.

Posted by vegetable lasagna | June 7, 2007 2:42 PM

you're saying that al sharpton doesnt say silly things veggie? or that the idea that he represents the pulse of black community thought is silly?

Posted by Bellevue Ave | June 7, 2007 2:50 PM

yeah, sean is right. I mean, people aren't upset that rich people are treated differently than poor people in our judicial system. For instance, rich people are never, ever executed.. capital punishment is reserved solely for the poor.

No, not at all! We are all just jealous of the pretty heiress. Gosh, sean, I don't know why I didn't think of that.

Posted by duncan | June 7, 2007 4:27 PM

Duncan @29:

Even if the law typically favors the rich, it has not favored Paris Hilton. If anything, her sentence far exceeded the standard sentence for her crime.

But none of this has anything to do with all of the Paris-is-a-filthy-whore-who-deserves-to-be-raped-and-killed comments from upper middle class white kids like Mr. Poe. For these assholes, Paris Hilton is just a socially acceptible outlet for their misogyny.

Posted by Sean | June 7, 2007 5:37 PM

I totally agree with Sean again.

Of course Sharpton says silly things to an extent that I wonder if he and Jackson are working for or against the black community. On the other hand, I know full-well where Drudge's loyalties wallow.

Posted by vegetable lasagna | June 7, 2007 5:53 PM

fair enough, Sean. I hear ya.

Posted by phil | June 7, 2007 9:30 PM

She should have her ribs pulled out with red-hot tongs. Then, she would have medical issues.

Posted by lee | June 7, 2007 9:58 PM

Dear PodBuds: Hasn't - for once - your pH factor finally been exceeded? Today less than 1000 but more than 100 Iraqis/Americans/Afghanis kissed their sorry asses goodbye forever - although in some cases there wasn't time to kiss some asses goodbye because they were frightfully blown off. Oh - I'm sorry - "her irrelevancy" is more important than anything happening in our thuggish White House, hungry Darfur, trashed Iraq or other equally boring news venues. Isn't "she" such petulant fun, such a "white-on-white" exemplar, and so wretched in the privileged generality? Here's a test: tomorrow don't mention "her" name - maybe - oh, shit, who am I kiddin'? - she brightens your tawdry lives - you know it, "she" knows it.

Posted by THE QUEEN OF IRRELEVANCY'S LOVER | June 7, 2007 11:00 PM

Did Hitler have some sort of Nostradamus moment re "the get-out-of-jail-rash-card" when he demanded: "Brennt Paris?"

Posted by DOES HILTON HAVE A RHEUM? | June 7, 2007 11:14 PM

You people have no hearts, she was without her cell phone and entourage for 75 whole hours (which by the way equals 5 days now, who knew?)

Posted by ladylulu | June 8, 2007 1:50 AM


Posted by Bill | June 12, 2007 2:20 PM


Posted by Bill | June 12, 2007 2:20 PM


Posted by Bill | June 12, 2007 2:20 PM

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