Life I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary—From the Mouths of Babes
posted by June 29 at 15:00 PMon
Welcome to hour seven of the I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary day-long bonanza, wherein a new I, Anonymous submission sent in by students at a local alternative elementary and middle school is revealed every hour on the hour. Take it away, anonymous child.
Dear anyone who drives a Hummer,
I hate your guts. Your hideous, gigantic cars sicken me. I know other cars contribute to Global Warming as well, but your cars are about half of it. You get about two miles to the gallon, and about a gallon of that goes out into the atmosphere as ozone-destroying fumes. You think you’re so cool in a “real life army truck” that can make you stand out on the freeway. Do you really need that much attention? I have never seen a single Hummer that wasn’t an eye-catching color, such as yellow, pink, or shiny, shiny silver. If you need to be noticed that badly, you should run naked through a football field. You can’t see pedestrians or any car other than a semi-truck, and you can’t get into your car without a stepladder. A Hummer would be reasonable on the battlefield, when you would be running over enemy tanks, but crushing people’s cars on the street is pretty rude. When you parallel park, you block the entire road, and take up three larking spaces in parking lots. When you get into a crash, you total the other car, but your hardly get a scratch on your vehicle. I think that all you people with Hunners should sell your cars and donate the incredible amount of money you get to cancer research or something.