Slog News & Arts

Line Out

Music & Nightlife

« This Weekend at the Movies | Come of a Preacher Man »

Friday, June 29, 2007

I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary—From the Mouths of Babes

posted by on June 29 at 15:00 PM

Welcome to hour seven of the I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary day-long bonanza, wherein a new I, Anonymous submission sent in by students at a local alternative elementary and middle school is revealed every hour on the hour. Take it away, anonymous child.

Dear anyone who drives a Hummer,

I hate your guts. Your hideous, gigantic cars sicken me. I know other cars contribute to Global Warming as well, but your cars are about half of it. You get about two miles to the gallon, and about a gallon of that goes out into the atmosphere as ozone-destroying fumes. You think you’re so cool in a “real life army truck” that can make you stand out on the freeway. Do you really need that much attention? I have never seen a single Hummer that wasn’t an eye-catching color, such as yellow, pink, or shiny, shiny silver. If you need to be noticed that badly, you should run naked through a football field. You can’t see pedestrians or any car other than a semi-truck, and you can’t get into your car without a stepladder. A Hummer would be reasonable on the battlefield, when you would be running over enemy tanks, but crushing people’s cars on the street is pretty rude. When you parallel park, you block the entire road, and take up three larking spaces in parking lots. When you get into a crash, you total the other car, but your hardly get a scratch on your vehicle. I think that all you people with Hunners should sell your cars and donate the incredible amount of money you get to cancer research or something.

RSS icon Comments


God I love these kids. Can I rent one?

Posted by Kate | June 29, 2007 3:26 PM

What is a "larking space" and where can I find one? They sound like fun.

Posted by elswinger | June 29, 2007 3:45 PM

Amen, sister. Or brother.

There used to be someone with an enormous Hummer in my neighborhood. One day I walked by and it had been keyed all the way around the vehicle. I would never do something like that, but it definitely made my day.

Posted by Julie | June 29, 2007 4:00 PM

I want to live in a city with larking spaces.

Posted by lostboy | June 29, 2007 4:08 PM

Treat your neighborhood Hummer to this treatment:
1. Get various low grade cuts of beef/chicken/dog/fish/whatever
2. Put chunks in blender, with just enough water
to facilitate liquification.
3. Add a few tablespoons of sugar, blend further.
4. Put aside in a covered, but not sealed vessel
5. Wait a few weeks for natural maturation
6. Pour this delight into the ventilation intake.

Much more effective and environmentally friendly than merely keying the paint.

The above recipe is NOT recommended, it is just an example of something you should NEVER do!

Posted by Meat Slurpee for Hummers | June 29, 2007 4:16 PM

where is the 9 and 10 o'clock ones promised yesterday? you've got to triple up @ 5!

Posted by miffed | June 29, 2007 4:23 PM

out on the road today, i saw a minor threat sticker on a hummmer H2, a little voice in my head said "nothing you can do"

that's my new lyric for don henley's "boys of summer", inspired by a real event.

Posted by erin | June 29, 2007 4:32 PM

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, #6?

Every hour on the hour happened as planned.

Look closer.

Posted by David Schmader | June 29, 2007 5:30 PM

Key a hummer today!!!


Posted by Jay | June 29, 2007 7:17 PM

Comments Closed

In order to combat spam, we are no longer accepting comments on this post (or any post more than 14 days old).