Hello readers. Yesterday I kicked off what I promised would be a new daily series featuring I, Anonymous submissions sent in by students at an alternative elementary/middle school in Ballard. As promised, here is a new entry for today.

If there is one thing I hate at school, it’s the people who lure you into embarassing traps. You may not know who you are if you’re reading this. But I can tell you this. It may seem all fun and games, opening up to some new kid on the first day of school, being their friend, showing them around, and all in all being a good person. But as soon as that new kid starts to accept that there is at least one person who doesn’t think that they are a freak, and you start bombarding them with awkward questions in front of others, exploiting their vulnerabilities and god knows what else. You can’t just waltz into this person’s life and start making school a living hell for them. They were insecure enough at the start, and with you in the way, you’re not making things any better. It may be fun for you, but try putting your deceitful little self in their place. You go to a brand new school, you don’t know anyone, but then a light appears in the form of a good natured person. After the day is over, you go to bed at night thinking that the next day will be just as good. Then you go to school, and the nightmare begins with your only friend turning their back on you, asking things like “Where did you get that shirt? Up your ass? It’s ugly enough,” and “the teacher’s pet doesn’t bite. Oops, guess I was wrong.” Seriously, it is not good at all for a person’s self-esteem. They crumble to dust inside. I have had to endure that kind of abuse for three and a half long years, and I am not going to lie down and take it from you again. So just quit it for Pete’s sake, you ungrateful, deceiving pile of stinking trash, and go sleep in a freshly used toilet where you belong.

Now to the MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT. A quick scan of the dozen or so remaining I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary submissions confirms that they are too cumulatively amazing to dribble out over weeks, and so tomorrow will bring an eight-hour I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary bonanza, with a new I,I: IE submission posted every hour on the hour from 9am to 5pm Pacific Standard Time.

In the meantime, please whet your appetites with another selection from the I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary canon:

To Lindsay Lohan, YOU ARE SO STUPID! I know that you’ve been in lots of movies. Some of them, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Herbie Fully Loaded, Just My Luck, Mean GIrls, Parent Trap, and Freaky Friday. I guess you’re a good actress but you’re so stupid! I’ll tell you about that later. Your best movie was The Parent Trap because that was when you were a little girl and still smart.

You have lots of problems. To start off you had a heroin addiction just to get skinny. Nothing was wrong with you in the first place. Then you had anorexia because it was reported that the heroin didn’t work. I don’t think you accept yourself for who you are because it was also reported you got a boob job.

The biggest thing that you’re known for today is partying! This is affecting your acting and your life. You’re setting bad examples for kids who want to be actors and actresses.

See you tomorrow.