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Thursday, June 28, 2007

I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary Day 2, and a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT

posted by on June 28 at 14:32 PM

Hello readers. Yesterday I kicked off what I promised would be a new daily series featuring I, Anonymous submissions sent in by students at an alternative elementary/middle school in Ballard. As promised, here is a new entry for today.

If there is one thing I hate at school, it’s the people who lure you into embarassing traps. You may not know who you are if you’re reading this. But I can tell you this. It may seem all fun and games, opening up to some new kid on the first day of school, being their friend, showing them around, and all in all being a good person. But as soon as that new kid starts to accept that there is at least one person who doesn’t think that they are a freak, and you start bombarding them with awkward questions in front of others, exploiting their vulnerabilities and god knows what else. You can’t just waltz into this person’s life and start making school a living hell for them. They were insecure enough at the start, and with you in the way, you’re not making things any better. It may be fun for you, but try putting your deceitful little self in their place. You go to a brand new school, you don’t know anyone, but then a light appears in the form of a good natured person. After the day is over, you go to bed at night thinking that the next day will be just as good. Then you go to school, and the nightmare begins with your only friend turning their back on you, asking things like “Where did you get that shirt? Up your ass? It’s ugly enough,” and “the teacher’s pet doesn’t bite. Oops, guess I was wrong.” Seriously, it is not good at all for a person’s self-esteem. They crumble to dust inside. I have had to endure that kind of abuse for three and a half long years, and I am not going to lie down and take it from you again. So just quit it for Pete’s sake, you ungrateful, deceiving pile of stinking trash, and go sleep in a freshly used toilet where you belong.

Now to the MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT. A quick scan of the dozen or so remaining I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary submissions confirms that they are too cumulatively amazing to dribble out over weeks, and so tomorrow will bring an eight-hour I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary bonanza, with a new I,I: IE submission posted every hour on the hour from 9am to 5pm Pacific Standard Time.

In the meantime, please whet your appetites with another selection from the I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary canon:

To Lindsay Lohan, YOU ARE SO STUPID! I know that you’ve been in lots of movies. Some of them, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Herbie Fully Loaded, Just My Luck, Mean GIrls, Parent Trap, and Freaky Friday. I guess you’re a good actress but you’re so stupid! I’ll tell you about that later. Your best movie was The Parent Trap because that was when you were a little girl and still smart.

You have lots of problems. To start off you had a heroin addiction just to get skinny. Nothing was wrong with you in the first place. Then you had anorexia because it was reported that the heroin didn’t work. I don’t think you accept yourself for who you are because it was also reported you got a boob job.

The biggest thing that you’re known for today is partying! This is affecting your acting and your life. You’re setting bad examples for kids who want to be actors and actresses.

See you tomorrow.

RSS icon Comments


I felt like shit after reading the first one. Then within the first sentence of the second one, I laughed out loud. Amen to both of them.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 28, 2007 2:35 PM

I really am enjoying these. :D

On another note though, do we not get an I,A for the Stranger this week? It's not on the main page... or I'm horribly blind and missed it.

Posted by Phelix | June 28, 2007 2:37 PM

To the guy who wrote the first I, Anonymous in there. It might not seem obvious but what the dude is doing is not actually mean.
Think of it as a test, a test to see if you already have enough self esteem and wit to come up with a comeback on the spot instead of taking it like a kid.
You'll see that kind of test a lot, never back down and you can ditch his sorry ass after you show him his place. You'll probably attract the kind of friends you'll actually want if you do.

Posted by dude | June 28, 2007 2:37 PM

To the first kid: ground-and-pound, dude, ground ... and ... pound.

Posted by Sam | June 28, 2007 2:40 PM

All this assuming high school kids will actually come read the article *and* the comments on it, heh.

Sidenote: Damn! Either this has been proofread/spellchecked or those students write really well.

Posted by dude | June 28, 2007 2:42 PM

I thought the first letter was written by a girl.

I think the second letter was written by Charles.

Posted by elswinger | June 28, 2007 2:45 PM

No, Els, because Charles always has pictures.

Posted by Sam | June 28, 2007 2:53 PM

Good hit, elswinger.

Posted by It's Mark Mitchell | June 28, 2007 2:55 PM

For Pete's sake.

The second one makes me sadder than the first. This girl "knows" so much about Lindsay Lohan and feels free to judge her with reckless abandon based on the things she's heard (from where exactly? US?), and is supported in her judgments by the people around her. Why? Why does Lindsay's mere existence trouble her so? Since when are actors and actresses such fantastic role models?

Ugh, did I really just come to the defense of Lindsay Lohan?

Posted by Carollani | June 28, 2007 2:55 PM

Sam is not sam, btw. just sayin'

Posted by sam(.ewald) | June 28, 2007 3:04 PM

Are you sure this isn't a scam? Are you sure you're not being taken by some performance artist at the UW? That first one was far too eloquent for an elementary schooler.

Posted by Gitai | June 28, 2007 3:20 PM

The school houses K-8, and it seems writer #1 is obviously on the upper end of that.

Posted by David Schmader | June 28, 2007 3:34 PM

Funny, maybe I'm judgmental, but I thought they were both written by elementary school kids based on the grammar/syntax. Especially the first one, which made my heart sad. I like that you mention Charles in reference to the second letter, Elswinger, because I was kind of thinking he wrote comments #2&3.

Posted by Callie | June 28, 2007 3:58 PM

What was wrong with my comment @ #2 Callie?

Posted by Phelix | June 28, 2007 4:24 PM

Thank God I'm on vacation starting tomorrow and will get to miss that ...

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 28, 2007 4:34 PM

Hey now, Sam is Sam!

Anyone at The Stranger could verify it's the same ol' Sam who posts here. Same e-mail addy and everything.

Unless there's another Sam I'm unfamiliar with?

Posted by Sam | June 28, 2007 4:35 PM

Correct, sam, there is Capital Sam and non-capital sam.

I think you and I are at least clear.

Posted by Sam | June 28, 2007 4:36 PM

This brilliant. Both for venting adolescent angst, and for connecting it to the genre of I Anonymous, which is just the same shit all grown up. It's more revealing, in some ways, to see the source.

Posted by Trevor | June 28, 2007 7:41 PM

I thought the best thing about Lindsay Lohan was the partying. oh well, you know, as much as rich assholes piss us off in life, dont fall or it- that's the media gettin' to you - dont let it win.

Posted by catnextdoor in abq | July 1, 2007 11:37 PM

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