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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I, Anonymous: It’s Elementary

posted by on June 27 at 10:06 AM

For years, citizens have funneled their angst, rage, and other ugly feelings through I, Anonymous, the Stranger column devoted entirely to unsigned rants.

Recently I received a slew of I, Anonymiis from an unlikely source: an alternative elementary/middle school in Ballard, where it appears an entire class was assigned to write their own I, Anons, all of which arrived in a single envelope. I’ll be sharing these with readers via the Slog over the next week or so, starting now.

Dear Sister,

You are so annoying sometimes. You are a wimp. If I accidentally hurt you, you start screaming at me. Then I will get in a lot of trouble for an accident. If you hurt me on purpose you never get in trouble. You can’t take what you give people. If you are really annoying me and keep poking me, and I start poking you, you get very, very mad at me.

You also steal my stuff and don’t admit it. Once I had a pack of gum and you chewed all of it. I asked you if you chewed it and you said you didn’t. I asked you again and you got really mad at me. Sometimes you also steal my clothes. I will trying to find a shirt and I’ll look in your room. Then I find it and I ask you why you took it. You will say you didn’t and that our dad must have put it in your room.

You also get mad at me when I won’t do something for you. If I am on the computer and you feel like going on it, you tell me to get off. Since you are my little sister, I don’t feel like I have to, so I tell you I’m not getting off. Then you get really mad at me and start screaming at me.

You are a very annoying little sister and sometimes I get really mad at you.

RSS icon Comments


Why aren't they allowed to swear? You're having your elementary/middle school students write for a column in The Stranger, and you're putting limits on them?

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 27, 2007 10:06 AM

Who said anything about them not being able to swear? Also, David clearly states that these kids were assigned an assignment, by an instructor, which was subsequently sent in to the paper for possible publication. David is not "having students" write a Stranger column.

Posted by Callie | June 27, 2007 10:14 AM

Oh, I sympathize with that kid. Sisters are the pits. Stealing clothes, eating gum, complaining when you hit them. *sigh*

Posted by Phelix | June 27, 2007 10:18 AM

This is the best.

Posted by Lindy | June 27, 2007 10:19 AM

I find this incredibly sweet. I don't know why, maybe because I have seven sisters--I know how she feels and yet I don't think I would ever have been so nice about it, especially if I knew it was anonymous. I don't know. Just how I feel. It made me smile!

Posted by Jaime-Leigh | June 27, 2007 10:20 AM


No - fucking - shit. My 'you're' was referring to the teacher.

Do you see any swearing? It reads like it's from an elementary student. Like, we're talking fourth grade. My comment was based on my surprise that a teacher would bring any light of The Stranger into the classroom. With all of the swearing, sex columns, sex ads, etc.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 27, 2007 10:24 AM

That letter is creepily reminiscent of the relationship I had with my older sister when we were growing up. We're insanely close now, and it's effing hilarious to read this with an adult perspective. Of course, in our sibling in-fighting my older sister was the one hitting me all the time, but I was definitely the thief.

Posted by Ann | June 27, 2007 10:26 AM

This is so cute.

Posted by Gloria | June 27, 2007 10:26 AM

That is so cute.

Do we know if the teacher literally brought the Stranger into the classroom? He/she could have simply summed up the premise for the students.

Posted by Gloria | June 27, 2007 10:28 AM

Um, sorry about the double post.

Posted by Gloria | June 27, 2007 10:32 AM

I wouldn't care if the teacher did. I'm just surprised.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 27, 2007 10:33 AM

I don't understand Mr. Poe's assumptions nor his point.

That is all.

Posted by seattle98104 | June 27, 2007 10:36 AM

what's with all of the pseudo-deanonymizing of "I, anonymous" of late?

Posted by josh | June 27, 2007 10:44 AM

@2 and @ 12

Don't you understand? We can all read Mr. Poe's mind. Can't you?

Posted by Justy | June 27, 2007 10:46 AM

Psh, seriously.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 27, 2007 10:47 AM

I love it!

Keep em coming!

Posted by Kate | June 27, 2007 10:48 AM

It strikes me as a bit of an odd assignment, to be honest.

I, Anonymous is inherently a passive-aggressive form of communication, but at least the people who are compelled to write I, Anonymous letters know that they're being passive-aggressive. And having kids keep candid diaries or "letters to my future self" is fine--there's no expectation, explicit or otherwise, that the person about whom you're writing will receive the message, or that anybody other than the writer might act on it.

But to assign children to write anonymous letters to others? Kids are inherently passive-aggressive as it is; they don't need any help in sharing candid, possibly-cruel thoughts with others.

Posted by Christin | June 27, 2007 10:50 AM

I love the letter. Little sisters are the pits. I felt this way growing up with one and still kinda do.

Posted by hunh? | June 27, 2007 11:05 AM

I remember when Mr. Poe was my little sister and she kept stealing my gum.

Man, I was so steamed!

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 27, 2007 11:27 AM

Glad you guys are into this, keep checking back. (Trust me, diatribes against little sisters are the tip of the iceburg....)

Posted by David Schmader | June 27, 2007 11:32 AM

@6 Okay, but the fact that you knew that David Schmader didn't put them up to writing these letters still doesn't clarify what the hell are you're talking about in your first post. It makes no sense. And, seriously, It amazes me what an A-hole you always are. I think it's funny when it's snarkily directed at celebrities and such, but there's no reason to be so bitchy to other sloggers. Namely me.

Posted by Callie | June 27, 2007 12:03 PM

I'll admit, I fucked up on my word usage. However, and needless to say (if you read all of my comments), I am an asshole to almost everyone. I have no issue(s) with you.

Just ignore me like my daddy did. Woe is me.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 27, 2007 12:33 PM

@17- HELLO!!! Seattle is passive-agressive! The fact the Stranger has the column in the first place in really appropriate. So, the teacher is just getting the kids ready for living in Seattle as a wishy washy, stick up the ass liberal, passive-aggressive, environmentalist preaching, SUV driving, start a study committee before deciding anything freak.... In other words future mayors of Seattle.

Posted by Just Me | June 27, 2007 12:46 PM

@22 Will do. My widdle feewings were hurt, but all better now.

@23 Good point

Posted by Callie | June 27, 2007 12:49 PM

@23 - look, if it bugs you so much, go back to writing your Uptight Seattleite column.

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 27, 2007 12:58 PM

@25 Will: I would but I am so unsure if I should write the column or not write the column. You see, I was going to start a study group amongst my friends but could not really make up my mind if I could do that.

Posted by Just Me | June 27, 2007 1:06 PM

I guess it would be wrong to forward the letters of small children to, wouldn't it.

Posted by Darcy | June 27, 2007 6:48 PM

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