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Monday, June 11, 2007

Highlights From Chuck Norris’s Presidential Platform

posted by on June 11 at 10:13 AM

Over at the website World Net Daily, Chuck Norris is musing about what he would do if we were elected president. Here are some of his better ideas:

• Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day—or else they can’t vote on anything.

• Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).

• Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). “American Idol” already told me they will provide the entertainment.

• Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.

• Tattoo an American flag with the words, “In God we trust,” on the forehead of every atheist.

• Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for “martial arts negotiations.”

• Expose the real WMDs – my fists and feet.

• Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.

chucknorris.jpg

Chuck Norris ’08!

RSS icon Comments

1

good guys wear black

Posted by Paulus | June 11, 2007 10:33 AM
2

WAY too funny! I'm in, if he runs.

Posted by BillW. | June 11, 2007 11:18 AM
3

WAY too funny! He's got my vote, if he commits to these promises!

Posted by BillW. | June 11, 2007 11:21 AM
4

This looks a LOT like Joe Lieberman's platform. Except for the ninja teams.

Posted by Gurldoggie | June 11, 2007 11:21 AM
5

Chuck Norris peaked in Good Guys Wear Black. I actually remember seeing it in a theater. I was awestruck watching him do a flying kick through the windshield of a moving car to kill the bad guy (I was about 16 at the time, I think).

Ever since then, it has been a downhill slide. I remember he tried the same kick-through-the-windshield stunt on Texas Ranger, and it came off as weak and pathetic. Now he is nothing more than a caricature of his former self, and a tool for the right wing. His politics are firmly aligned with the religious right.

I'd never vote for him, of course, but it would make the campaign a whole lot more fun if he actually ran.

Posted by SDA in SEA | June 11, 2007 11:57 AM
6

Republicans sure do love their Hollywood actors.

The saddest thing of all is that he probably isn't joking...

Posted by Giffy | June 11, 2007 11:58 AM
7

I'm glad Chuck Norris has a sense of humor about this whole Chuck Norris Is God thing, and I'm not even being facetious.

Posted by Gomez | June 11, 2007 12:05 PM
8

Is it just me, or does he set off anybody else's gaydar?

Posted by BD | June 11, 2007 3:27 PM
9

Chuck can only be president if he promises never to sing the national anthem.

Posted by J.R. | June 11, 2007 3:59 PM
10

@6: I doubt he's joking. Particularly with the "in God we trust" bit.

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases – sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris. If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.

Posted by John | June 11, 2007 7:25 PM
11

"If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood."

Chuck Norris wants me to exsanguinate Jesus Christ?

Posted by Bison | June 11, 2007 9:37 PM
12

BD, It's just you. Back in the 1970s, it was trendy for guys to wear skin-tight pants, and shirts unbuttoned to the navel. If Chuck Norris is gay, he's the most straight-acting, repressed, closeted homo in all of human history.

Posted by SDA in SEA | June 12, 2007 12:10 AM

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