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Monday, June 11, 2007

Highlights From Chuck Norris’s Presidential Platform

posted by on June 11 at 10:13 AM

Over at the website World Net Daily, Chuck Norris is musing about what he would do if we were elected president. Here are some of his better ideas:

Require members of Congress to work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day—or else they can’t vote on anything.

Resurrect Bruce Lee and appoint him head of homeland security (OK, the CIA and FBI too).

Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority. (For fun, Saturday night fights will feature a recurring bout between Hannity and Colmes). “American Idol” already told me they will provide the entertainment.

Increase jobs in America by sending ninja teams to sabotage and steal them back from other countries.

Tattoo an American flag with the words, “In God we trust,” on the forehead of every atheist.

Resolve the Iraq war by bringing all of our military personnel home immediately, then going over there by myself for “martial arts negotiations.”

Expose the real WMDs my fists and feet.

Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America, where my United Fighting Arts Federation will handle the justice issues.


Chuck Norris 08!

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good guys wear black

Posted by Paulus | June 11, 2007 10:33 AM

WAY too funny! I'm in, if he runs.

Posted by BillW. | June 11, 2007 11:18 AM

WAY too funny! He's got my vote, if he commits to these promises!

Posted by BillW. | June 11, 2007 11:21 AM

This looks a LOT like Joe Lieberman's platform. Except for the ninja teams.

Posted by Gurldoggie | June 11, 2007 11:21 AM

Chuck Norris peaked in Good Guys Wear Black. I actually remember seeing it in a theater. I was awestruck watching him do a flying kick through the windshield of a moving car to kill the bad guy (I was about 16 at the time, I think).

Ever since then, it has been a downhill slide. I remember he tried the same kick-through-the-windshield stunt on Texas Ranger, and it came off as weak and pathetic. Now he is nothing more than a caricature of his former self, and a tool for the right wing. His politics are firmly aligned with the religious right.

I'd never vote for him, of course, but it would make the campaign a whole lot more fun if he actually ran.

Posted by SDA in SEA | June 11, 2007 11:57 AM

Republicans sure do love their Hollywood actors.

The saddest thing of all is that he probably isn't joking...

Posted by Giffy | June 11, 2007 11:58 AM

I'm glad Chuck Norris has a sense of humor about this whole Chuck Norris Is God thing, and I'm not even being facetious.

Posted by Gomez | June 11, 2007 12:05 PM

Is it just me, or does he set off anybody else's gaydar?

Posted by BD | June 11, 2007 3:27 PM

Chuck can only be president if he promises never to sing the national anthem.

Posted by J.R. | June 11, 2007 3:59 PM

@6: I doubt he's joking. Particularly with the "in God we trust" bit.

Alleged Chuck Norris Fact: "Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries. Ever."

There was a man whose tears could cure cancer or any other disease, including the real cause of all diseases sin. His blood did. His name was Jesus, not Chuck Norris. If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood.

Posted by John | June 11, 2007 7:25 PM

"If your soul needs healing, the prescription you need is not Chuck Norris' tears, it's Jesus' blood."

Chuck Norris wants me to exsanguinate Jesus Christ?

Posted by Bison | June 11, 2007 9:37 PM

BD, It's just you. Back in the 1970s, it was trendy for guys to wear skin-tight pants, and shirts unbuttoned to the navel. If Chuck Norris is gay, he's the most straight-acting, repressed, closeted homo in all of human history.

Posted by SDA in SEA | June 12, 2007 12:10 AM

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