??!! Edwin, The Fearless Sidewalk Pecker!
posted by June 20 at 13:37 PMon
It is true that the wild kingdom, in its infinite versatility, has found clever ways to exist in the ever-encroaching face of humankind. I can’t think of any right now, except for maybe these South African monkeys that have learned to break into people’s houses and raid their refrigerators or something that I saw on the Discovery Channel (the species we encroach upon just die, mostly), but hang in there with me for a moment, for I am about to amaze you with the tale of Edwin! The Fearless Sidewalk Pecker!
Edwin (who I named myself, so shutthefuckup) is a marvel of evolution—-an urban dwelling badass birdy that has bested the advance of man. How you ask? Well. Edwin, commonly known as a “woodpecker”, has somehow, in a fit of genetic ingenuity or madness, learned to peck the sidewalks instead of the wood! Check it out:
Just yesterday, I was walking on Bellevue Ave. E., just about a block south from Top Pot, when I was startled by the sight of what was clearly a woodpecker. But this was clearly no ordinary woodpecker. (Oh, no!) This woodpecker was a woodpecker completely at odds with the laws of God and its own nature. Indeed, this little bird was remarkable for a few reasons. First, he was on the ground, not in a tree or in the sky, and he wasn’t afraid of me one tiny little bit. Indeed, all natural avian apprehension had vanished utterly—-and what’s more skittish than a bird? I ask you. I was roughly two feet away from the damned beaked thing, and instead of spazing out and taking to the sky as all natural-hearted birds are compelled to do, Edwin, the Sidewalk Pecker, just looked at me like I was a dork. Also, Edwin (so named by me on the spot, because, well, he just looked like an Edwin, trust me on this), pecked not wood, as you might have suspected, but sidewalk. Sidewalk! He found soft spots and crevices to peck his pecker at, and his shtick went something like this: Peck, peck peck! (Look at Adrian like he’s a dork.) Peck, peck, peck! (Look at Adrian like he’s a dork.) And soon, a small crowd had gathered—-seven people in all—-to marvel with me at little Edwin, the saucy fearless woodpecker who thinks I’m a dork and pecks the sidewalk instead.
Now what do you make of that crazy shit?