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Friday, June 8, 2007

Drowning for Dollars (Mudede Parody)

posted by on June 8 at 11:05 AM

Nevermind.jpg

As Google’s mission statement says, “Don’t be evil”, but we must quantify the search for good in the study of evil. For Evil itself is merely Live backwards, and the quest to both end and begin Life acts as a bookend on our quotidian musings.

In Africa, bathing the dead is a religious ritual accompanying death, and with large numbers of orphan children left to the ravages of continent-wide diseases that are killing off most of the parents, the connection between income and a child’s life becomes clearer.

Perhaps that is why a Seattle father tried to drown his child for insurance money. For on Wednesday he was charged with exactly that by Seattle police, themselves frequent arbiters and observers of life and death.

As the firefighters pulled three-year old Ashley McLellan from the pool in 2003, the unreal dichotomy of life and death was exposed in the figure of her father, who stood there calmly, unscathed by water’s clean touch, not asking if she would live.

Joel Zellmer perhaps was going back to this primal state, and his history of dating single mothers, convincing them to get insurance on, and then harming their children, through trials of fire and water, showed his struggles with parenthood and the demand for money. This included burning the hands of one child (fire), holding a hot cup to the lips of another so that it blistered her lips (fire and air, the very breath of life, transfused through the cup (earth) in liquid form (water)).

King County Sheriff’s Department will not be pursuing charges in the other cases which happened as far back as 1990.

For little Ashley, Zellmer told emergency workers a tale, suitable for those sitting around a fire between the huts of a tribe in Africa: While her mother worked, Ashley opened a sliding glass door to a deck in order to eat a cake provided by her father, then descended as if unto Hades by a flight of stairs, there to cleanse her hands in the Stygian depths in an unlit, uncovered pool. All this while the temperature approached that of the underworld, 39 degrees, and for a girl with a fear of the dark. For is not the transition to death that of a child in fear?

RSS icon Comments

1

We already had a (better) Mudede parody, and the Zellmer case was Slogged by Elswinger.

In the immortal words of David Schmader: Zzzzzzzzzzz.

Posted by Aislinn | June 8, 2007 11:14 AM
2

Nakid babies are NSFW!

Posted by CodyBolt | June 8, 2007 11:15 AM
3

Worst Mudede parody ever. Go back to your blog, troll.

Posted by frederick r | June 8, 2007 11:15 AM
4

What Asslint said.

Posted by Eli Sanders | June 8, 2007 11:19 AM
5

If you must use the label "Parody", it is intrinsically not.

Posted by DOUG. | June 8, 2007 11:23 AM
6

Zzzzzzzzzzz.

#5 nails it.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 8, 2007 11:24 AM
7

Actually, if the Nevermind baby were a Nubian princess, this might've been a more effective Mudededede post.

Posted by frederick r | June 8, 2007 11:25 AM
8

or if the naked baby were being eatin out by an octopuss...

Posted by monkey | June 8, 2007 11:27 AM
9

I enjoyed it.

Posted by Callie | June 8, 2007 11:28 AM
10

@4: Hey now. That is uncalled for.

Posted by Aislinn | June 8, 2007 11:28 AM
11

I can't stop laughing at what monkey said.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 8, 2007 11:37 AM
12

Man, last time I do a parody for you guys.

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 8, 2007 11:49 AM
13

in this day and age would that album cover be considered child porn? I'd certainly hate for the FBI to come after me for viewing this page. If they were actually spying on l'il ol' me.

You guys should know the answer to this:
I'm wanting to take all my old photos and put them on CD for a gift to my mom. But a lot of our old pics have us naked (my parents were hippies). So having that on my computer in order to put it on the CD..even though it's ME..would that be considered child porn? Not that I plan on ever committing a felony which would cause authorities to confiscate my computer, or anything. But I hate committing any crime, accidental or otherwise.

Posted by Faux Show | June 8, 2007 11:51 AM
14

He was her stepfather, and barely even that. You lose at the Slogs.

Posted by K | June 8, 2007 1:50 PM
15

MSN I NIIPET
MSN

Posted by Bill | June 12, 2007 3:05 PM
16

MSN I NIIPET
MSN

Posted by Bill | June 12, 2007 3:05 PM

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