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Friday, June 8, 2007

A Hypothetical Interview between Charles Mudede and Mariners Star Ichiro

posted by on June 8 at 11:29 AM

The following interview is completely fabricated and never actually happened. Thank God.

Mudede: So, Ichiro, what is baseball about? Is it a classic struggle of men against rationality, a gladiatoral exhibition of cannonball pugilism among sticks and horsehide? Is it a descent into the seventh level of existential hell?

Ichiro: Baseball is a chess match. Think of the pitcher as a hard-throwing Bobby Fischer, the batter as Kasparov, the umpire his clock timer, the ball his next move. The bases are your squares, and the bat your queen. The goal in swinging your bat is to put your opponent in check. The outfielders are bishops, the throws like diagonal slices across the board, the middle infielders the rooks, moving laterally and charging to and from.

Mudede: But does this not put faith in draconian systems of thinking and enable one to free his mind, to maximize one’s being? Men are made millionaires from a game where you throw a leather ball and hit it with a stick. Have you abandoned your purpose in life by turning your back on the burdens of the world to play a child’s game?

Ichiro: The game of a child can also reap the rewards of adulthood. The nuances of a child’s game teaches many lessons that aspects of adulthood cannot.

Mudede: But it is not adulthood! It is still a child’s game played in a steep and concrete monolithic palace, with seats for the middle-class masses to watch the travails of grown children as if they were gladiators! A palace built on the fruits of man’s labor that serves no other purpose!

Ichiro: One need not live the life of convention to self actualize, and a batter is not a gladiator. The batter is a samurai, the pitcher like an American cowboy, holding the handle of his pistol, ready to fire like a gunslinger. The ball is his bullet, the bat of the batter his sword, and he needs to swing quickly and accurately for two strikes lest he hari-kari himself with strike three.

Mudede: I feel as if I’m speaking to a brick wall! The oppression of poverty tortures the transients that sleep in the gutters of SODO not one block from where you play this child’s game!

Ichiro: They are the fallen, those who did not find the focus to find their purpose in life. For flowers to grow, your roots must be free of weeds. The weeds of society are uprooted and left for dead out of the grass of growth.

Mudede: Are you a nihilist?

Ichiro: I am the center fielder for the Seattle Mariners.

Mudede: You are a grown child making more money than a hundred men to play a child’s game!

Ichiro: You will need to discuss the terms of my contract with my agent.

Mudede: A sports agent! An instrument of a polarized aristocracy! A man who destroys the equity of the world’s economics in order to fund the excessive lifestyles of men who play a child’s game!

Ichiro: This is a strange interview. I’m going to need two ice creams after dinner tonight.

Mudede: You, sir, are an instrument of the world’s destruction!

Ichiro: Please go away before I call security.

RSS icon Comments


Ooh ooh! Do me next!

Posted by Jonah | June 8, 2007 11:35 AM

Jesus Christ! I love laughing at Charles as much as the next sane person, but he's not the only mockable slogger, you know. Jeez, do I have to do it myself???

"Look at me, I'm Erica C. Barnett! Men are evil and cripples should have their own buses!"

Posted by David Schmader | June 8, 2007 11:42 AM

Today isn't Freaky Friday. Today is Everybody Fucking Rail On Mudede day.

...I like that.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 8, 2007 11:42 AM

Go M's!

Posted by edgar | June 8, 2007 11:43 AM

Erica and keshmeshi should smoke a bowl and vent together. Forever.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 8, 2007 11:47 AM

C'mon we all know everyone has a crush on Mudede. Keep 'em coming!

The roast, the roast, the roast is on Fire!

Posted by seattle98104 | June 8, 2007 11:49 AM

Yeah, but it's hard to do ECB, and the only transit thing I can think of is the agreement by the UW to build a Sound Transit station ... wasn't that already on SLOG?

Posted by Will in Seattle | June 8, 2007 11:55 AM

There's a little something special for Erica on the way.

Posted by Fnarf | June 8, 2007 11:59 AM

David, I think we all were thinking about doing something in homage of Charles, and didn't realize until it was too late (i.e. when our entries were already in queue) that everyone else was thinking the same thing.

My bad. I'd take a shot at ECB but it appears Fnarf has that covered.

Posted by Gomez | June 8, 2007 12:01 PM

As much as I hate seeing posts by Charles Mudede this is getting old fast. I also don't get why Ichiro, who barely speaks english, waxes philos in the interview.

Posted by Ryan | June 8, 2007 12:03 PM

All of the Freaky Friday bloggers have missed the mark in their Mudede parodies - there's not an ounce of misogyny to be found.

Posted by elm | June 8, 2007 12:08 PM

Ichiro speaks english just fine, he's just smart enough to pretend he doesn't so he won't have to talk to the press.

Posted by Anthony Hecht | June 8, 2007 12:09 PM

Gomez, the first interview question one made me laugh more than the other Mudede potshots combined. Nice.

Posted by Katelyn | June 8, 2007 12:15 PM

Ha, Gomez. Good one! I'm a Mudede fan, and indifferent when need be. I don't think this interview is far from fictional. If one has ever read any of Ichiro's rare musings, you'd see that the wee, disciplined-to-OCDness lassie is indeed a philosopher as well.

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | June 8, 2007 12:34 PM

Yeah, there was even a book published about the philosophical musings of Ichiro.

Some quotes.

Posted by jamier | June 8, 2007 12:54 PM

I was going to do an ECB but I couldn't think of anything she hasn't deep fried.

Posted by elswinger | June 8, 2007 1:07 PM

if this is truly charles' outlook on pro sports then i applaud him. my sentiments exactly!

Posted by brad | June 8, 2007 1:08 PM

This was hilarious. Thank you, Gomez.

Posted by Mudede Fan | June 8, 2007 1:50 PM

gomez, you made me feel like a puppet on your lap.

Posted by charles mudede | June 8, 2007 2:41 PM

LOL, Charles. Should I be worried?

Posted by Gomez | June 8, 2007 2:50 PM

Yes. He said 'lap'. Not hand.

Posted by Mr. Poe | June 8, 2007 4:41 PM

As one puppet said to the other, "you know, I'm beginning to doubt whether there even IS a hand".

Posted by Fnarf | June 10, 2007 8:40 AM

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