"There is only one pretty child and every mother has it."

I mean, that shit just doesn't make sense.

It occurs to me that dancing would cause your heartbeat to increase. The more your heartbeat increases, the faster you dance, the more your heartbeat increases. Inevitably...

There has to be an attractive nuisance lawsuit in there somewhere.

I POURED A JAR OF GLITTER IN MY EYE SEND HELP

"It's NOT just a rash"

"He won't call you"

Maybe we need to start our own chocolate company, Ari.

Actually they should print these on the bottoms of those little microwave trays that come with Hot Pockets.

Also, mine would say "How can you be sure she doesn't have a penis?"

In fact, I just had another one. It told me to "Send a love letter this week."

Check your mail, Matty.

When two hearts race, both win.

I left a bag at my coffee shop and when I came back I saw a wrapper taped to the tip jar:

Why not?

I've now had another piece of chocolate (that's seven, Hickey, as one of the original six wrappers came from a co-worker who passed it along).

It told me: "You know what? You look good in red."

The chocolate is right, though. I do look fucking great in red.

"You're allowed to do nothing."

The boss got a good laugh out of that one when he saw it (I'm the overachiever in the lab so I don't think he's too worried that I'll start slacking).

"Eeeew, that dress, and those shoes, geeez"

"What, is your mirror in the shop?"

"No one understands a single word you're saying"

"shhhh, do you hear that?"