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Thursday, May 10, 2007

Bossy Chocolate

posted by on May 10 at 15:20 PM

Today I filled the candy bucket on my desk with Dove chocolates. Each individually wrapped piece of “smooth milk chocolate” comes with a “Promises message”—a little piece of life advice—printed on the inside of the wrapper.

Here’s how Dove wants you to live:

Keep the promises you make to yourself.
Make “someday” today.
Listen to your heartbeat and dance.
Lose yourself in a moment.
Make your eyes twinkle.

And my personal favorite… Flirting is mandatory.

I want to get a job writing these. I have some ideas. Who do I contact? And am I allowed to say “pig fucker”?

RSS icon Comments

1

My all-time favorite chocolate wisdom from Dove Promises is:

"There is only one pretty child and every mother has it."

I mean, that shit just doesn't make sense.

Posted by Lindy | May 10, 2007 3:31 PM
2
Listen to your heartbeat and dance.

It occurs to me that dancing would cause your heartbeat to increase. The more your heartbeat increases, the faster you dance, the more your heartbeat increases. Inevitably...

There has to be an attractive nuisance lawsuit in there somewhere.

Posted by Judah | May 10, 2007 3:39 PM
3

I think it would be funny if one said, "He's calling from inside the house!"

Posted by monkey | May 10, 2007 3:44 PM
4
Make your eyes twinkle.

I POURED A JAR OF GLITTER IN MY EYE SEND HELP

Posted by jamier | May 10, 2007 3:45 PM
5

Then there's the dark chocolate Dove Promises - the wrapper seems to read "Dark Promises", which is pretty damned creepy.

Posted by Scott Faulkner | May 10, 2007 3:46 PM
6

dammit, there's choco yum yum in the BUCKET?

Posted by nipper | May 10, 2007 3:48 PM
7

#3: I would like to put your idea into production immediately. Also, can we make one that says, "That's not his cell phone in his pocket."?

Posted by Ari Spool | May 10, 2007 3:49 PM
8

"Shouldn't you be asking WHY he's suddenly giving you chocolate?"

"It's NOT just a rash"

"He won't call you"

Maybe we need to start our own chocolate company, Ari.

Actually they should print these on the bottoms of those little microwave trays that come with Hot Pockets.

Posted by monkey | May 10, 2007 3:53 PM
9

I think the chocolate assholes need "promises messages" too.

Posted by fair is fair | May 10, 2007 3:54 PM
10

By my count, Megan has eaten 6 Dove chocolates so far today. Make it an even dozen, girl.

Also, mine would say "How can you be sure she doesn't have a penis?"

Posted by Matt Fuckin' Hickey | May 10, 2007 4:00 PM
11

Are you daring me to eat a dozen pieces of Dove chocolate, Hickey? Cause I totally will.

In fact, I just had another one. It told me to "Send a love letter this week."

Check your mail, Matty.

Posted by Megan Seling | May 10, 2007 4:05 PM
12

Y'all are gonna get me fired from my job if you keep these up. It's hard not to bust out laughing.
I think a chocolate inspiration line written by the Slog would do very well on the market.

Posted by Enigma | May 10, 2007 4:17 PM
13

What about:

When two hearts race, both win.

I left a bag at my coffee shop and when I came back I saw a wrapper taped to the tip jar:

Why not?
Posted by An Interested Party | May 10, 2007 4:19 PM
14

I want to print out this comment thread and show it to people. I love slog. Matt - "That text message wasn't from Scott's mom."

Posted by Callie | May 10, 2007 4:35 PM
15

Oh great, thanks Callie, now "Scott's mom" jokes are going to be on chocolate wrappers! Like I don't hear them enough already, now I can't indulge my sweet tooth without reading them as well....

Posted by Scottie | May 10, 2007 4:47 PM
16

Oh great, thanks Callie, now "Scott's mom" jokes are going to be on chocolate wrappers! Like I don't hear them enough already, now I can't indulge my sweet tooth without reading them as well....

Posted by Scottie | May 10, 2007 4:48 PM
17

Update.

I've now had another piece of chocolate (that's seven, Hickey, as one of the original six wrappers came from a co-worker who passed it along).

It told me: "You know what? You look good in red."

The chocolate is right, though. I do look fucking great in red.

Posted by Megan Seling | May 10, 2007 4:57 PM
18

"Don't touch the goo."
"It IS going straight to your cankles."
"You can't blame that one on the dog."

Posted by Ari Spool | May 10, 2007 5:12 PM
19

The one I have taped above my desk at work:

"You're allowed to do nothing."

The boss got a good laugh out of that one when he saw it (I'm the overachiever in the lab so I don't think he's too worried that I'll start slacking).

Posted by md | May 10, 2007 6:39 PM
20

Can you imagine if Charles wrote them?

Posted by smiling | May 10, 2007 7:22 PM
21

LOL @ Ari #18

"Eeeew, that dress, and those shoes, geeez"

"What, is your mirror in the shop?"

"No one understands a single word you're saying"

"shhhh, do you hear that?"

Posted by monkey | May 10, 2007 7:39 PM
22

Megan: Last line of your post made milk shoot out my nose. And I wasn't drinking milk.
xoxo

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