Life This One Is About Television Fitness, Not Art
posted by April 5 at 16:50 PMon
This morning I awoke to find myself desiring that particular company that comes from a television exercise show. The shows are short. They are easy. The trainer is funny. There is no need to change out of pajamas.
For many, many years, the Lifetime channel has presented to me one Denise Austin in the morning. This is Denise Austin, on the cover of a recently released DVD:
Her signature phrase is “Burn that butter!” and she has an endearing idea of what a grapevine is. Of any fitness trainer I have ever seen (and I used to be an elite athlete—in the 80s, when aerobics were a requirement), Denise Austin has the worst rhythm. She is 50.
This morning, at 7:30, I placed my toothbrush back in its holder and went downstairs to see my old friend Denise Austin. Instead I found a woman I do not recognize. She was doing Boot Camp workout.
This means that before 8 am this morning, I checked my living room floor repeatedly for landmines, squashed bugs on the floor while crouching in a defensive position, climbed an escape rope, slogged through a swamp while squatting down with a heavy backpack (of weights) on my shoulders, punched multiple hand-to-hand combatants, and floated in water (on the floor) holding my backpack (of weights) on my stomach to keep it from getting wet.
I can barely say what a state this left me in. It is only necessary to note that this will not stand. Denise, I don’t care that you’re 50. I do not want to go to war ever again.