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I'm with Dr. Drew that fetishes are the inability to be intimate. I was formerly involved with that world but no longer.
I bet some people in that survey dabbled in some light B&D but didn't go too far.
People I knew heavily into it are detached and can't form a loving bond with another human. Call it kinky and fun if you want. I call it defective.

Posted by Anonie | April 16, 2007 11:03 AM

Ahh, so that's what the Dr. Drew reference means.

Anonie, maybe they were detached from you because you considered them 'defective'. I think detached people unable to form a loving bond aren't restricted to those into BDSM. Plenty of "missionary-only" people such as yourself also have difficulty forming loving bonds.

Posted by him | April 16, 2007 11:24 AM

Very interesting stuff. Most people still assume that kinky people are miserable in some way. The reason I stopped reading "The Courage to Heal" (the popular sexual abuse survivors' guide) is because they claimed that all BDSM fantasies and activities stemmed from abuse, and were inherently unhealthy. A lot of therapists seem to advocate this as well. "Oh, you're just re-creating your abuse, you have to stop or you'll never heal, etc., etc."

This just always stuck me as bullshit, and I'm happy to see people seriously studying it coming to the same conclusions.

(N.B. The Courage to Heal authors also claimed that abuse survivors often gain psychic powers--seriously.)

Posted by Cate | April 16, 2007 12:44 PM

"...fetishes are the inability to be intimate." just look at that statement. even one example of a long-term loving, healthy relationship between two fetishists, or (more commonly) one ggg partner and one fetishist would serve to disprove this ridiculous assertion. in fact, there must exist thousands, if not tens of thousands of such relationships, anonie. nice try.

Posted by ellarosa | April 16, 2007 1:42 PM

I'd say inability to admit to the existence of healthy fetishes and to be open and honest with a partner about the fetishes s/he might have is more likely to throw roadblocks in the way of intimacy than the consensual use of a gag and a flogger. But hey, thats just from someone whos formed lasting, healthy relationships and friendships through the BDSM community.

Posted by Pete | April 16, 2007 2:52 PM

Saturday night my sexy girl used her new medical-issue restraints to strap me to our bed, put a hardcore ball-crusher on my nuts, screwed it down, put clamps on my nipples, and slapped some duct tape over my mouth. Then she went and took a shower and got dressed while I suffered and waited on the bed.

Eventually she came in, straddled my face, lifted her skirt, and sat on my face while I ate her out as she slowly tightened the ball crusher. I was screaming by the time she came. Then she untied me and told me I wasn't allowed to beat off because she wanted to have sex with me when we got home from the show we were going to. Before we left she handed me a glass and told me to drink it. It was her piss from before her shower. I knelt before her, drank her piss, kisser her feet, then we got dressed and went to see a band.

We've been together for seven years, we have a three year-old daughter (at grandma's house for a sleepover), and we love each other like mad.

Fuck you, Anonie.

Posted by Long-Suffering Straight Boy | April 16, 2007 3:08 PM


Posted by Anonie | April 16, 2007 4:30 PM

You go right ahead and laugh your ass off, Anonie. I'm getting my rocks off -- and so is my wife. We'd rather be fucking and loving each other and rocking each other's worlds than sitting at home alone, just a bitter douche bag convinced that his/her experience trumps everyone else's reality.

Kink and love can go together, people. Don't let bitter dicks tell you otherwise.

Posted by Long-Suffering Straight Boy | April 16, 2007 4:38 PM

Good on you, Long-Suffering Straight Boy, but don't let "Anonie" get to you. Debating with internet trolls is a whole 'nother level of masochism.

Posted by Cate | April 16, 2007 6:25 PM

I know this isn't really relevant anymore, since it was posted yesterday (damn being too busy at work to read the Slog)...anyway, I think at the end you meant, "Kinky gays and lesbians never ask me if THEY'RE normal".

Okay, I'm done being an annoying to be spanked by my girlfriend...

Posted by Joey The Girl | April 17, 2007 6:17 PM

and up jumped the swagman and sprang into the billabong while watching how his penis patches got wet at

Posted by penis patches | April 30, 2007 12:14 PM

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