Golf-pants Ian wanted to know if I had “heard about the book.”
“What’s the book?” I slurred.

Last night at a bar, after many beers, a man I refer to as Golf-pants Ian told in hushed tones about “the book.”

Ian had seen a Craigslist post advertising a communal notebook tucked away on a park bench along Greenlake’s paved pathway.
The book, he said, was for people to write down their thoughts and observances as they watched ducks, joggers, and strollers pass by the bench.

I had to see this “book.”

I ventured out into the night, several friends in tow, wandering up the long concrete path that makes a wobbly circle around the lake.
There they were.
Two yellow all-weather notepads, secured by several feet of fishing line.
My quest had succeeded.
So I stole them.

I opened the first steno pad:

The Greenlake Preservation Society, in association with The Brown Eyed Handsome Man Corporation

presents

THE NOTEBOOK
(at Bench #1)

Addressing the intent of the books, the GRPS continues:

WHAT IS THIS?
The short answer:
A place to write stuff down while sitting in this exact spot.
Then, a place to read what people have written while sitting here. It’s anonymous and fun!
Like the Internet, but less hi-tech.
Like a bathhouse, but less touchy-feely.

But we’re not really sure what this notebook is for.
The society and The Corporation have just noticed tons of people sitting on this bench, looking like maybe they needed a pen and some paper.
Other people have looked like that wanted something to read or some wisdom.

It could be all those people were just looking at girls, boys and/or dogs, but we thought we’d provide paper and a pen anyway.

What’s in the book?

Glad you asked:

I have a ass ake from riding a hard ass bike with my friend on the back

and

I can see a skeleton tree that reminds me of fall. When will it be warm and sunny! Lame Seattle…lame, P.S. Don’t drink water from Greenlake or you’ll get rabies and locust will devour your soul.

My personal favorite:

EASTER CONFESSION Yesterday I took my dog for an Easter morning walk from my house in Fremont to the U-District Big 5. On the way, my dog pooped so I cleaned it up and desposed of it in my neighbors garbage can left out for the garbage man. Big 5 was closed for Easter. Damn, I really wanted a carribeaner. On the way back my dog pooped again! This poo was of equal size or greater than the original. My pradinkadink was that I only brought one plastic bag with me on my Easter conquest. So I look left, I look right, shit! There are people who may have seen my dogs stinky loafs dropping. Think quick. I lean over the pile, pretending to grab something from my pocket, and pretend to be picking up the poo until the pedestrians pass. Phew. Then I walked home. To any readers in search of some vigilante justice, the poop at hand is located on the sidewalk grass on the north side of 43rd between 11th and Brooklyn.

Ian M.

I am a sucker for scatological humor.

I am also a total dick.
I shouldn’t have taken the books and I wanted to post an open letter that goes a little something like this:

Dear Greenlake Preservation Society,

I’m sorry I took your books.
I regret it and would like to profusely apologize.
If it is of any consolation, my hangover has been a truly punishing experience.

The least that I can do is link your website and promise that your books will be returned today.

Apologies,

Jonah

Thanks to Golf-Pants Ian for the tip