Life
Excepts from Awake!, a Magazine Someone Left Two Copies of on a Bench in an Oregon Train Station
Over the weekend I had to kill a half hour in a train station in Oregon. There were these two copies of a magazine called Awake! sitting on a bench. On the cover of one is a crying little girl in a pink shirt and, in the corners, images of explosions, helicopters, tornadoes, and flooding. The cover text: “WHY?” And in smaller letters: “Answering the Hardest of Questions.”
Intrigued, I flipped it open right to an article titled “Young People Ask… How Can I Conquer This Habit?” The accompanying photo is of a man sitting in a leather chair with his chin in his hand. The first sentence:
Perhaps you, like Luiz, have been enslaved to the habit of masturbation. You know that Jehovah would be pleased with you if you resisted the urge and exercised self-control, a fruit of God’s holy spirit…
Jehovah? Oh, Jehovah! As in the Witnesses! Those crazy kids known for “door-to-door preaching, their objection to blood transfusions, and for not celebrating birthdays or holidays.” (And also smelling weird and being opposed to their children going to college and learning things, if the few of them I’ve known are any sample.)
Naturally, I was riveted. Third paragraph:
If your feelings are similar to those of Luiz, Pedro, or André, take courage. You’re not alone, and your case is not hopeless! Many young people—and older ones—have struggled with masturbation and have been able to overcome it. You can too.*
The asterisk corresponds to this footnote:
Although the people quoted in this article are males, many females also struggle with masturbation. Hence, the advice given pertains to both genders. Note, too, that this article discusses masturbating oneself. Doing it outside of marriage to another person is included in what the Bible calls fornication, a very serious sin in God’s eyes.—See the article “Young People Ask…What’s Wrong With Premarital Sex?” in our issue of July 22, 2004, pages 12-14.”
Person who left these magazines for me on the bench, why oh why couldn’t you leave the July 22, 2004 issue? I want to read what’s wrong with premarital sex!
One more quote from the article and I’ll let you have your Slog back:
One Christian who struggled with masturbation for several years commented: “How I wish I could have summed the courage to talk to someone about it when I was a youth! Feelings of guilt plagued me for many years, and it seriously affected my relationships with others and, above all, with Jehovah.”
Mmm. Yeah. But it’s okay One Christian. Just don’t go to college or get a blood transfusion and I think Jehovah will be okay with you.
Man, I feel so alive after reading this magazine. I feel like a youth again!
Comments (24)
I suppose the article also extends to those with generic names. Unless the Bobs and Joes of the world are better at resisting the exotic lure of jerking off.
Posted by Kate | April 10, 2007 4:43 PMYah, the damn Jehova Witnesses come to my door about every two weeks handing out the latest copy of that stupid magazine. I always just harrass them by singing such things as happy birthday and take the magazine for entertainment purposes.
Posted by Run... | April 10, 2007 4:47 PMI've never struggled with masterbation. Like most, I'd imagine, it has always come pretty naturally.
Watchtower finally got some competition. Sweet!
Posted by Dougsf | April 10, 2007 5:00 PMI used to work for some JW's and we had Awake! _and_ Watchtower scattered around the store. Interesting reading.
I prefer my religious nutjobs to be like the JW's. They don't participate in worldly institutions. Government included.
Posted by Ken | April 10, 2007 5:04 PMSo now that Prince is a JW, he's got to stay away from the masturbation and the fornication? Seriously?
Posted by scharrera | April 10, 2007 5:09 PMIt makes me feel like a youth again too, because that is the kind of thing that I actually believed then, and I really did feel a lot of grief and anxiety over masturbating. I remember I once managed to go two weeks without (marked by little x's on my calendar) and felt enspirited and emboldened by my spiritual victory, until a new girl showed up at youth group and all fell to shit. I kid not.
I mean, I'm okay now--this plumbing gets no lack of polishing--but I grew up in the evangelical freakpit and can assure you all that this kind of thing isn't restricted to JWs and Westboro-type fundies.
Posted by KS | April 10, 2007 5:16 PMOh man, if that's the kind of mind-expanding article that's normally in Awake, I'll start reading the ones that get left in our building's laundry room. It sure beats the handmade sign made by someone shilling for Melaluca stuff.
Posted by Jessica | April 10, 2007 5:19 PMYou're in luck Christopher:
What's Wrong With Premarital Sex?
Posted by Sean | April 10, 2007 5:20 PMHere you go, Mr. Frizzy:
Posted by stan | April 10, 2007 5:24 PMhttp://www.watchtower.org/e/20040722a/article_01.htm
I'm going home and rubbing one out, post haste!
Posted by him | April 10, 2007 5:41 PMWhat I fucking hate is when they creep up on you while you're waiting for a bus on a Saturday or Sunday morning and push one of their Armaggeddon Rags on you.
What's funny is that, when I was growing up, my born again Xtian mother would willingly open the front door and talk with the Jehovah's witnesses, but would have us shut off the lights, duck and hide when the Mormons came knocking. She eventually tired of this, but didn't get a clue and put up a No Soliciting sign until around 2003.
And EVERYTHING in their 'reading material' is about how the end times are coming, punctuated with lovely, colorful pictures of a bloody, cut up Jesus, and people cowering before the fires of Armageddon. With propechies like that, who needs hope?
Posted by Gomez | April 10, 2007 6:30 PMJW's always warm my heart a bit because, though their ardent devotion to a literal reading of the bible is nine types of creepy, holding them up in comparison to "modern" christianity shows how much the ideologies of modern churches have been surgically altered in order to remain palatable. In other words, they're insane but at least they aren't power-hungry conmen.
Posted by dirge | April 10, 2007 6:58 PMI've never struggled with masturbation, it's always been easy for me. Thank you Jehovahway One Canobe.
Posted by Master Bates | April 10, 2007 7:08 PMYou're too late with that joke, Mr. Bates. Doug got there two hours ago.
Posted by Fnarf | April 10, 2007 8:51 PMI'd offer to help our Witness friends out with the masturbating; it's actually pretty easy once you get the hang of it. But they always seem to be very large older ladies when they come to the door, and that's not really my cup of tea.
Maybe the Stranger could write THEM up a pamphlet covering the high points, so to speak?
Oh, Fnarf, a Stranger masturbation instruction pamphlet for repressed JWs (and mormons and assorted others) is a GREAT idea! LOL!
Note to closet cases: You may as well just come out. We are all going to hell anyway. You were condemned to hell when you started jerking off in 7th grade.
Posted by SDA in SEA | April 10, 2007 9:44 PMThis brings back memories of how it used to be - I grew up a JW. The one thing I learned was how to repress my libedo into a tight little nut. And not salute the flag.
Posted by k. | April 10, 2007 11:12 PM"How I wish I could have summed the courage..."
Summed? They were adding it up? Did the calculation produce anything meaningful? (Since the article topic is against masturbation, I suppose they were saving it up multiply, or something)
I think the term they want there is "summoned the courage."
Posted by Joe | April 11, 2007 1:41 AMAnd yeah, Prince apparently doesn't even sing "Darling Nikki" anymore, let alone re-enact it.
Monty Python's second book had a hilarious fake PSA titled "Masturbation: the Difficult One" which featured the copy Some find it difficult to talk about; others find it difficult to do.
Posted by Princess Sparkle Pony | April 11, 2007 5:58 AMonce i was standing at a bus stop during a downpour. this stop did not have a cover. a car pulls up, and a guy jumps out, runs over to me and does his good JWchristian deed of the day -- he handed me an Awake.
and, so i take is SDA doesn't stand for Seventh Day Adventist???
Posted by infrequent | April 11, 2007 9:44 AMin 1993, my father was in a car wreck, and as he wasnt practicing at the time, he received 11 units of blood. through the transfusion, he was infected with hepitias c. since then, his health has been on a slow, painful dissent and over time, we've all come to accept he won't last very long.
however, my grandmother, his mother, refuses to offer even the slightest bit of empathy, as 'this is his punishment for going against jehovah's word', and takes it upon herself to remind my father daily that even though he is dying, its his punishment, so quit whining.
Posted by alithea | April 11, 2007 11:57 AMI knew a JW in high school who claimed that God cured him of masturbation via testicular cancer. Isn't faith wonderful?
Posted by E | April 11, 2007 12:29 PMAlithea: I'm sorry for your father. His mother is just proof that religion doesn't make you a better person, but does make it easier to justify being a shitty one.
Posted by Joe | April 11, 2007 12:51 PMWhat's wrong with Premarital Sex?
Appeared in Awake! July 22, 2004
Here's their archives.
Last year, I ran into an issue on Energy. They dismiss nuclear power, laud hydrogen, and confuse methane's role as a greenhouse gas with the emissions of burning methane (CH4 + 2*O2 -> CO2 + 2*H2O, right?). I don't get their agenda.
"You too can learn more about the Source of all energy and the solution to earth’s energy problems if you take time to study the Bible."
Yeah.
Posted by opticsdoug | April 11, 2007 2:29 PMthis is the picture they are using to dissuade kids from getting it on? i prefer the STD bill much better.
Posted by infrequent | April 11, 2007 3:29 PMComments Closed
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