Slog News & Arts

Line Out

Music & Nightlife

« This Week on Drugs | The Morning News »

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Tommy Lee Sucks! Toes! Homosexually!

posted by on March 24 at 19:24 PM

It happened at the Fenix, just downtown. Witnesses at the scene agree: There were moist, slurpy noises, and at least one bunion.

Tommy Lee has been revealed to be a huge homosexual toe sucker!

Tommy Lee (former titty-fucker of Pamela Anderson and a very tattooed person) and his band “Supernova” were apparently at the Fenix recently, whence he was approached by a female alleged “groupie” with “red hair” (hopefully not on her toes), and, apparently irresistible feet.

Now please understand: Tommy is a long suspected “podophiliac” who is rumored to stalk full-moon shoe sales in order to steal surreptitious glances at scrumptious and unsuspecting tootsies (it’s something devil worshipers just DO). So it’s understandable that when the red-headed groupie, clearly hypnotized by the unholy power of his hot and diabolical tattoos, offered Tommy…her foot (?!), he took the opportunity to exercise—and thus widely confirm—-his peculiar proclivities. Tommy relieved said groupie of her shoe and began unabashedly sucking that b-b-bitch’s toes like dey was marijuana lollypops wid money in da middle. (Word.)

But he didn’t stop there.

Oh, hell no.

Millions of pretending-to-be-disgusted (but secretly so-horny) witnesses report that thusly encouraged by his own bold and ravenous act of toe-munchery, Tommy abruptly turned his hunger upon the nubile, young and very male toes of Lukas Rossi, whom everyone won’t remember as that horrid indie-goth hermaphrodite with the Manga hair and Cher-eyeliner that won his way onto Tommy’s band “Supernova” via some lame reality TV show and who looks just like my exboyfriend, but that’s enough about that jackass. (Call me!)

And then, having thoroughly tongued the feety crevasses of the young “vocalist”, he launched his now greedy-for-man-feet mouth at the feet of his remaining band members, and sucked their toes too, one…by…one. All of them are equally also male. Like, with dicks and everything. So it was all pretty darn gay and junk.

“Fuck, yeah, I’d let Tommy Lee suck my toes,” said almost everyone secretly to themselves at the scene I bet. Then they got a boner.

While homosexual toe-suckers everywhere rejoice in Tommy’s “outing”, non-homosexual toe-suckers everywhere are all like, “Ewwwwwww!” Relatively speaking, they’re both right.

Does Tommy Lee, a vile and sexy devil worshiper for sure, believe that by feeding off the toes of the living, he will attain eternal life? Or is he trying to commit suicide via overdose of toenails? Or does he simply suffer from an advanced palate far too specialized to be grasped by the common man? Or is he simply. That. Cracked. Out? Will Tommy Lee’s homosexual toe-glut end at the feet of Supernova? Or has an unstoppable toe-sucking monster with really peculiar breath been unleashed upon the world? And would most people—male, female, otherwise—still totally let Tommy fuck their spines apart, even though he’s really old now, if he promised not to kiss them?


(“Quit Looking At My Toes, Fag!”)

RSS icon Comments


As a reformed Catholic, I've often wondered about the orgins of holy-week foot washing. My wonderment was piqued when a particularly effeminate priest decided it would be nice to wash all the altarboys feet one Holy Thursday. He kissed every one. In short Tommy Lee can't hold a candle to even the least creative of pedophilic podophilic catholic priests.
The good friday after my feet were kissed by Father S, I felt just a bit of guilt when kissing the feet of the little wood crucified jesus. "Behold the wood..." well, anyways. I guess tommy lee toe sucking is the best ye heathen can come up with to fill in for the real thing.

Posted by kinaidos | March 24, 2007 8:16 PM

funny how you never hear of anyone with a "hand fetish." why, oh why, is the foot so much more erotic?!
anyone have a theory? they're both equally distant from any (overtly) sexual part of the body, and the hands are actually closer to the nipple/breast. so what gives?

Posted by ellarosa | March 24, 2007 9:18 PM

by the way, amusing piece, amusingly written, adrian!

Posted by ellarosa | March 24, 2007 9:19 PM

writer needs therapy and AA

Posted by Freddy | March 25, 2007 12:35 AM

Sorry, Adrian, but for myself the answer is a resounding and unabashed, "Hell No!"

I'm for keepin' that tatooed freak away from my frackin' feet.

Posted by COMTE | March 25, 2007 12:50 AM

"Homosexual toes?!"

How fortunate. I am gay but my toes turned out to be hetro (accept the large one on my left foot that is "bi"

Where did I go wrong?

Posted by Toenee | March 25, 2007 9:20 AM

Worked right, sucking, biting, slurping, massaging - good feet stuff feels like you are getting a good long to the edge blow job

To all you one position only country types - prudes and rubes - all constipated with fear about some thing new, give it a try.

Not so sure about those who are hoofed....

And god, is Adrian an air head writer....all he writes is from a pinched small town eternal boy-girl-man....editors, give him an assignment.

Posted by ed dippy | March 25, 2007 9:21 AM

@ 1: HOT!

@ 2: Hmmm....

@ 3: "The Law of the Forbidden"--that which is taboo is secretly more attractive. simple.

@ 4: Mom, knock it off.

@ 5: I simply can't relate, but i respect your views.

@ 6: Most toes are bisexual. Kinsey.

@ 7: This was assigned by the editors, you toe-sucking fucktard. Quit breathing on me!

that is all.

Posted by adrian! | March 25, 2007 10:36 AM

foot massage is taboo???? Adrian, just where did you move here from????

you sound so middle America - Mormon maybe or Amish?

honey, get a grip, foot massage and all its facets is ancient, for a gay man you are very tepid in sexual matters.....oh, well

more toe suckers for me at Club Seattle

I love it, big dick and pretty feet, goes a long ways for lots of attention....suffer Adrian

Posted by the True Grunfeld | March 25, 2007 11:17 AM

@ 9: i said THAT IS ALL.

Posted by adrian! | March 25, 2007 12:25 PM

slurp slich sooochey sliching suckinly sucka suucha

love toes and feet, to start

then the knees and inside knees

then the long thigh and inside for a long time, inside thigh Adrian

then the main stage, dick and balls and butt and cracks and pubes and more and more and more

feet first, folks, it only gets better

Adrian, did you miss sex at Scout Camp?

Posted by John the licker | March 25, 2007 3:44 PM


or can i?

Posted by adrian! | March 25, 2007 6:02 PM

adrian, i love you AND your fetishes.

Posted by josh b | March 26, 2007 4:39 PM

Comments Closed

In order to combat spam, we are no longer accepting comments on this post (or any post more than 14 days old).