It happened at the Fenix, just downtown. Witnesses at the scene agree: There were moist, slurpy noises, and at least one bunion.

Tommy Lee has been revealed to be a huge homosexual toe sucker!

Tommy Lee (former titty-fucker of Pamela Anderson and a very tattooed person) and his band “Supernova” were apparently at the Fenix recently, whence he was approached by a female alleged “groupie” with “red hair” (hopefully not on her toes), and, apparently irresistible feet.

Now please understand: Tommy is a long suspected “podophiliac” who is rumored to stalk full-moon shoe sales in order to steal surreptitious glances at scrumptious and unsuspecting tootsies (it’s something devil worshipers just DO). So it’s understandable that when the red-headed groupie, clearly hypnotized by the unholy power of his hot and diabolical tattoos, offered Tommy…her foot (?!), he took the opportunity to exercise—and thus widely confirm—-his peculiar proclivities. Tommy relieved said groupie of her shoe and began unabashedly sucking that b-b-bitch’s toes like dey was marijuana lollypops wid money in da middle. (Word.)

But he didn’t stop there.

Oh, hell no.

Millions of pretending-to-be-disgusted (but secretly so-horny) witnesses report that thusly encouraged by his own bold and ravenous act of toe-munchery, Tommy abruptly turned his hunger upon the nubile, young and very male toes of Lukas Rossi, whom everyone won’t remember as that horrid indie-goth hermaphrodite with the Manga hair and Cher-eyeliner that won his way onto Tommy’s band “Supernova” via some lame reality TV show and who looks just like my exboyfriend, but that’s enough about that jackass. (Call me!)

And then, having thoroughly tongued the feety crevasses of the young “vocalist”, he launched his now greedy-for-man-feet mouth at the feet of his remaining band members, and sucked their toes too, one…by…one. All of them are equally also male. Like, with dicks and everything. So it was all pretty darn gay and junk.

“Fuck, yeah, I’d let Tommy Lee suck my toes,” said almost everyone secretly to themselves at the scene I bet. Then they got a boner.

While homosexual toe-suckers everywhere rejoice in Tommy’s “outing”, non-homosexual toe-suckers everywhere are all like, “Ewwwwwww!” Relatively speaking, they’re both right.

Does Tommy Lee, a vile and sexy devil worshiper for sure, believe that by feeding off the toes of the living, he will attain eternal life? Or is he trying to commit suicide via overdose of toenails? Or does he simply suffer from an advanced palate far too specialized to be grasped by the common man? Or is he simply. That. Cracked. Out? Will Tommy Lee’s homosexual toe-glut end at the feet of Supernova? Or has an unstoppable toe-sucking monster with really peculiar breath been unleashed upon the world? And would most people—male, female, otherwise—still totally let Tommy fuck their spines apart, even though he’s really old now, if he promised not to kiss them?

Yes.

(“Quit Looking At My Toes, Fag!”)