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Thursday, March 22, 2007

Today in Curses

posted by on March 22 at 15:04 PM

Part One: Sorry

So it all started with me writing this column about Faye the Tattooed Psychic which got this outraged response from the sensitive soothsayer.

This is the sentence that caused the most trouble:

She is loud and exuberant and says she is an ex-biker (divorced from a Bandido), a heavy-metal fan, and a recovering boozer.

She says she never said anything about being a boozer. Says she isn’t a boozer. And I am so, so, really, genuinely sorry if I fucked that up. Because that is a big, bad way to fuck up.

But I could’ve sworn she said she was a recovering alcoholic. And how she “had to hit bottom” and how she turned her life around and learned to love herself (and, along the way, talk to the dead). Her whole schtick is the back-from-the-brink-with-a-message-of-hope persona. (Anybody else see the show? Can anyone back me up here?) It’s even in the notes I took while she was talking:

ex-biker. married a bandido. drugs, alcoholic.

I don’t know how I got that wrong, but I apparently did. And I’m sorry for that.

Part Two: Cursed!

Lady laid a curse on my head! An actual, factual blood-line gypsy laid a fucking curse on my fucking head! From yesterday’s letter:

you my friend just opened a door to shit you may one day look back on and say “oh shit that fat tattooed psychic lady was right…my life is fucked!” Curses suck!

Today is the first day of the rest of my curse: I woke up ten minutes late for an interview. I dropped my keys—not once but twice today. And when I ordered my chow mein for lunch I asked for three stars. And it wasn’t even a little bit spicy.

Man. Curses suck.

RSS icon Comments


Interview? Are you leaving?

Posted by Aislinn | March 22, 2007 3:08 PM

No, don't get your hopes up. It was for a story.

Posted by Brendan Kiley | March 22, 2007 3:11 PM

Dude, your life is totally about to become an Allanis Morrisette song.

Posted by monkey | March 22, 2007 3:19 PM

Ohhhhh, right, being a journalist and all.

Maybe your notes were indicating that her ex was an alcoholic?

Posted by Aislinn | March 22, 2007 3:20 PM

I've just laid down the Catholic double whammy anti-curse on that gypsy harlot's evil eye. Gratis! That's how the Holy See rolls, my friend. Representing the 011+39+66982, Yo!

Posted by Pope Urbane | March 22, 2007 3:34 PM

That no-spice thing is fucked UP, bra. This bitch has POWERS, I'm tellin' ya.

Maybe it was the Bandido who was a drunk.

Posted by Fnarf | March 22, 2007 3:58 PM

What did your fortune cookie say?

Posted by Lloyd Clydesdale | March 22, 2007 4:09 PM

I ate his fortune cookie.

Posted by Will in Seattle | March 22, 2007 4:23 PM

Brendan, my grandma says that to remove a curse or evil eye you should roll a raw egg (still in its shell) back and forth across your forehead. Put it back in the fridge overnight, then break it in a bowl of water the next morning and look at it (I guess you can tell something from looking at it but I don't know what) and then throw the egg and water away. As far as curse-remedies go, it's pretty no-hassle.

Posted by C | March 22, 2007 4:25 PM

Sounds like you opened the door to some shit.

Posted by Gabriel | March 22, 2007 4:31 PM


You're going to be transformed into a pigeon.

Posted by Original Andrew | March 22, 2007 4:37 PM

Oh boy, keep us updated for as long as you can. I expect to have you typing it in with a stick gripped in your teeth by April.

Hey, if you want a Turkish magical charm I got at the midway for $3, it's yours! I have had no curses stick since I bought it.

Posted by Maggie | March 22, 2007 5:13 PM

Like I said before, curses suck only if you let/make them suck.

Posted by catnextdoor | March 22, 2007 6:01 PM

Don't watch that Stephen king movie 'Thinner' it'll creep you out even more after this situation.

Posted by DreadLion | March 22, 2007 7:07 PM

@13 first, sucking is a good thing. Second, I would be careful of curses. Jimmy Marks put a curse on the city of Spokane years ago. It seems to be working quite well. Rain on every parade. Wind during all fireworks. Jim West. And our serial killers and the lack of response to them beat yours anytime. It's a curious thing that black magic. I wouldn't scoff too much.

Posted by spokevin | March 22, 2007 10:36 PM

Does her blatant homophobia bother anyone else at all? I mean, how childish is it to use homosexuality as an insult? And for a supposedly spiritual seattlite she sure sounds more like a conservative redneck.

Posted by johnny | March 23, 2007 9:06 AM

I can remove that curse for $100 and a bottle of tequila.

Posted by RS | March 23, 2007 9:13 AM

...and to top it all off, you're now wearing reading glasses... (sigh)

Posted by BKK | March 25, 2007 12:00 PM

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