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Friday, March 30, 2007

I Missed My Calling

posted by on March 30 at 10:13 AM

New York City’s “underground gourmet scene” has produced a pack of guerrillas called Fresh Meats:

… a group of relentless carnophiles who provide dinner parties the absolute freshest meat possible. This involves bringing a soon-to-be-delicious animal to your apartment, then taking it through all stages of preparation, starting in your bathtub, and ending in your oven. That’s right: you choose an easy-to-smuggle, live delicacy (chicken, duck, squab, rabbit, even a snake or frog), and FM will lead it to your tub and do-what-must-be-done. Once it’s dead and bled out, they’ll work with the meat in less horrifying ways (cleaning the carcass, rending the cuts, stewing it in a delicate béchamel sauce, etc) until it’s ready for a glorious presentation to you and any guests who haven’t defected to a PETA tofu roast.

Goddamn. I think I’m in love.

Goodbye, everybody. I’m moving to New York.

(Via Dethroner and Mr. Christopher Bragg.)

RSS icon Comments


Good riddance, you sick fuck!

Posted by Red Wendy | March 30, 2007 10:25 AM

I still occasionally flirt with the idea of grabbing myself an urban pigeon for dinner Kiley-style. The only thing that keeps me from doing it is knowing that those little punks are avian Petri dishes. Didn't the threat of disease creep you out when you wrote your famous article, Brendan?

Posted by tsm | March 30, 2007 10:30 AM

wow. has been pwned.

that's just awesome.

Posted by Ann | March 30, 2007 10:32 AM

Do they serve human meat?

Posted by him | March 30, 2007 10:39 AM

This makes my stomach turn. As a vegetarian who cares about animals, obviously this totally disturbs me. I find it disturbing as well that you seem to enjoy the killing of animals, judging from your past article on hunting and killing animals around town.

Pass the tofu roast this way, and good riddance. Somebody phone ahead and let NYC there's a freaky squirrel hunter possibly headed their way.

Posted by Sally Struthers Lawnchair | March 30, 2007 10:42 AM

Damn, reminds me of the five years I lived in E. King Co. Afternoons spent butchering chickens or turkeys resulted in some tasty dinners!

You-all who get your meat from plastic wrapped styrene trays don't know what you're missing.

Posted by COMTE | March 30, 2007 10:42 AM

Poor little animals. Why do they have to be so delicious?

Posted by keshmeshi | March 30, 2007 10:51 AM

@5 - the only difference between Brendan and a guy who buys a chicken sandwich at a deli is that Brendan's dinner preparation involved less overall pain and dishonesty.

Posted by tsm | March 30, 2007 11:00 AM

All other things aside, who the hell stews meat in bechamel sauce? The sauce would break. If people are going to do food-related April Fools jokes, they should at least not tip their hand so blatantly.

Posted by Ursula | March 30, 2007 11:05 AM

@8---Brendan Kiley....what a saint. I'm glad he can approach his eating habits with less "dishonesty and overall pain." Aw, that's so touching. Whether someones goes out and shoots or clubs their dinner or gets it from a deli...on a basic level I find meat eating replusive, and people that enjoy killing animals fucked up. Sorry, just my each their own.

Posted by Sally Struthers Lawnchair | March 30, 2007 11:47 AM

"i have much respect for god's creatures, when i'm not busy eating or wearing them."

- john hodgman

Posted by skye | March 30, 2007 5:53 PM

Several years ago a very popular anthropology professor at the UW was retiring and a party was thrown in his honor at a house on Wallingford Ave.

From about a block away I could hear some strange guttural rasping noise. Once at the house I saw the two goats hanging by their hindfeet in the backyard -- their throats freshly sliced open by a couple of Nigerian students. The blood was draining into a couple of basins.

I believe that several of the more squeamish Wallingforders were afraid to emerge from their hovels that day. And I'm sure some vegetarians contemplated muder.

But damn, fresh killed Nigerian stewed goat is tasty.

Posted by gnossos | March 30, 2007 6:35 PM

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