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Friday, March 30, 2007

Bitter Herbs

posted by on March 30 at 10:20 AM

Iíve been a bad Jew. My family was killed in the Holocaust, less my grandmother and her sister. Then my father, after being born and stuff, married a Catholic woman who carried her faith through the maternal line. So Iím only Jewish by genealogy. I was baptized and took Communion; I didnít get circumcised or have Bar Mitzvah. I never once brought home a nice Jewish girl.

However, in a desperate attempt to connect with my ancestry, I attended my first Seder last year. Adding insult to long-standing injury, I even fucked that up Ė I got stoned before the feast.

Getting high during Passover didnít seem like an offense at the time. But as Brendan slogged yesterday, my pot-activist brothers in Israel made the dour announcement that pot is on the “no” list for Passover. Harsh. If my fellow rope-smokiní rabble rousers can even consider the inappropriate times to toke Ė with shells exploding around every corner Ė then skipping the dummy pipe for however long Passover is (I told you Iím a bad Jew), is some serious shit.

Forgive me, Y*****; I knew not what I did.

As for this year, unspoken one, I promise to stay in the clear. I will lay off that bitter herb indefinitely, and during the Seder feast Iíll be in heaven, or some place. Iíve always been more a friend of the vine than the stalk anyway. And the Seder is packed with lectures about morals, punctuated by slugging glasses of wine. Thatís my kind of party, err, ceremony.

RSS icon Comments


Is palm sunday on April 1 this year? That would be funny.

Posted by daniel | March 30, 2007 10:41 AM

If you are throwing any herb away, throw it my way!

Posted by elswinger | March 30, 2007 10:42 AM

I didn't realize that pot rises when you cook it.

Posted by keshmeshi | March 30, 2007 10:48 AM

Jesus H Christ! What do you think the "H" stands for anyway?

Posted by monkey | March 30, 2007 10:58 AM

It's nice to know you're uncut, Dominic. I've always wondered.

Posted by Rob | March 30, 2007 11:07 AM

I've only been to two Seders, but I'd been under the impression that being stoned was a requirement.

Posted by thehim | March 30, 2007 11:08 AM

I have pretty much the same background, and I have had an interest in learning about my Jewish background. I'm not giving up pot for it, though.

Posted by wisepunk | March 30, 2007 11:20 AM

You've never brought home a nice Jewish girl? Dude, you're missing out. Jew chicks are the hottest!

Posted by Mike in MO | March 30, 2007 11:21 AM

Nope, Mike, I haven't. A few nice Jewish boys, though...

Posted by Dominic Holden | March 30, 2007 11:44 AM

i'm a jew and i'm here to help. throw an extra * in "Y****." yahweh, if that's to what you're referring, is six letters.

Posted by josh | March 30, 2007 11:48 AM

See, I'm the wurst. It's fixed now.

Posted by Dominic Holden | March 30, 2007 11:52 AM

The jewish fixation on orthopraxis has always seemed odd but amusing to me. Of course, orthopraxis is better than orthodoxis, if you feel you must subjugate yourself to some form of religious discipline.

Posted by Joe | March 30, 2007 12:14 PM

I thought Hebrew used ideograms for letters ... guess my Jewish grandfather was lying, huh?

Besides, Jesus got high.

Posted by Will in Seattle | March 30, 2007 2:22 PM

I don't know if your grandfather was lying; he might just have been confused. The glyphs in Hebrew are definitely part of an alphabet, and thus can be correctly termed letters; they certainly aren't the ideograms found in logographic systems like Chinese. But if you like, you can use "grapheme" for both.

Posted by Joe | March 30, 2007 2:53 PM

nicely done, mr. holden. good stuff.

Posted by a fan | March 30, 2007 4:27 PM

I'm of a mind that part of being a good Jew is being a bad Jew and feeling guilty about it.

Posted by Matt | March 30, 2007 6:01 PM

Yay, another Cathwish! It gets so damn confusing this time of year, but hey, between Lent and Israel's abstinence, now you can kill two birds with one, um, toke. I mean, with no toke. Maneschewitz ain't that great, but each year it gives me hope people will get buzzed enough not to notice when I accidentally cross myself during the Seder...

Posted by etchasketch | April 1, 2007 8:45 PM

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