Like Lindy West, I’m morbidly fascinated by Valentine’s-related crap.

Top o’ this year’s heap: The offerings of YourNovel.com, where lovers are invited to “Star in Your Own Personalized Romance Novel!”

Simply by providing basic facts about you and your beloved—including first and last names, hometown, the length of time you’ve been a couple, and your preferred brand of cologne/perfume—you and your honey can be cast in your own romance, printed in either paperback or hardback and featuring your photo on the cover.

But the most important information couples provide is whether they want their romance mild or wild, with the difference between the two illuminated by excerpts.

Mild:

As if on cue, a streak of light flashed across the hot night sky. They both saw the shooting star and proclaimed simultaneously, “Ooooh.” “You saw it too?” Again their voices were one. Then, a “Yes,” still in unison and a slight laugh. Ann took the lead, saying, “How beautiful.” John continued, saying what was on both their minds, “How perfect.” He drew her near. Their voices fell quiet, but their actions would soon fill the night. Then basking in the oneness of each other’s arms, John had arched his head to the heavens, and that’s when he and Ann saw the shooting stars nearly collide in the sky above, their burst of brilliance culminating the most unforgettable lovemaking the two had ever known.

Wild:

As if on cue, a streak of light flashed across the hot night sky. They both saw the shooting star and proclaimed simultaneously, “Ooooh.” “You saw it too?” Again their voices were one. Then, a “Yes,” still in unison and a slight laugh. Ann took the lead, saying, “How beautiful.” John continued, saying what was on both their minds, “How perfect.” He drew her near. Their voices fell quiet, but their actions would soon fill the night. John reached up to squeeze the perfect pair of star-lit breasts, their nipples hardening to his touch. Ann gasped her encouragement and continued her own rhythmic caress that left John pulsating with passion. Her free hand grasped the back of his neck, steadying it as her lips hungrily sought and found his. The nectar of his mouth made her head swim. His fragrance, Old Spice, filled her nostrils and excited her. She kissed him urgently, as if tonight might be their last, or maybe, their first. Ann’s hips started their own rhythm, matching the dance of her hand on John. Breathing rapidly, John responded instantly to her need. He rolled to the side, yielding the middle of the chaise so her luscious body could stretch beneath his, for his full and private access. He moved his hands down to her buttocks all the while seeking her tongue and mouth and lips with his own. The kisses seemed to sizzle in the night as he pulled Ann’s buttocks toward him. Ann released the center of his sex, knowing it must find its final resting place, because if it didn’t, she would die right here on this roof from her own desire for him. With guttural moans of love, they united, he on her, the passion exploding, their sex filling the night with marvelous release and discovery. In the instant of release, their own bodies exploding in a wave of passion, John had arched his head to the heavens, and that’s when he and Ann saw the shooting stars nearly collide in the sky above, their burst of brilliance culminating the most unforgettable lovemaking the two had ever known.

Order yours today!