Chocolate, champagne, and animal sex tours: “Zoo marketing folks in Boise, Idaho named the tour ‘Wild Love at the Zoo.’”

PETA goes to Manila, begs Filipinos to go veggie: “Pigs dream, enjoy listening to soothing music and, when given a chance, establish complex social structures.”

Seventy-six year old man scalds squirrel to death, gets $500 fine: “I observed the tail going wildly around the cage.”

Norwegian sausage contains surprise: “‘It is absolutely certain that the foot was in the middle of the hot dog. In the picture you can see the meat remains on the foot,’ Kroghdal said. He added that the family will never eat hot dogs for dinner again.”

There. I’m done. It’s out of my system. Back to wondering why the 1964 Oscar for best actor went to Rex Harrison for My Fair Lady when that year’s nominees included Peter O’Toole (Becket), Richard Burton (ditto), Anthony Quinn (Zorba), and Peter Goddamned Sellers (in Doctor Goddamned Strangelove). That year was a tough call for sure, but any of the runners-up deserved the award ten times more than Rex Harrison. Which I guess just goes to show that the legend is true: When you’re in the Academy, every day is Opposite Day.