Life Self Pity—STAT!
posted by on February 27 at 15:57 PM
With all due respect to my friends at MedicalToys.com, I find nothing erotic—absolutely nothing—about the whole hospital experience.
You see, I was on a snowboarding trip last week, and everything was going great—until the last run on our last day. About two hundred yards from the car, I hit the ground. The end of my board jammed into the snow and turned clockwise; my body was thrown counter-clockwise. My left knee and ankle bore the brunt. For a second, as I lay on the ground composing my thoughts over the sound of my own screams, I was convinced I’d broken my leg. I didn’t think it was possible for a leg to bend like that and not break into at least four pieces.
But a few minutes after two Good Samaritans helped me take off my board—I didn’t get their names—I could stand. Barely. A moment later, I could walk. Lamely. But since I was standing and walking, I figured, shit, however swollen my ankle, however stabbing the pain in my knee… I must be okay, right?
Four days and no improvement later, I limped into the ER at a Boston hospital—a hospital conveniently located across the street from the hotel where everyone from the This American Life tour is staying. I’ve been here, in this room, for almost four hours now. I missed call, I missed sound check, and as of 20 minutes ago, I missed dinner. I hope I make the performance.
When it became clear that I was going to be spending a lot of time in this room alone, I decided to haul out my laptop and get some work done. And what do you know? The fifth letter I opened while sorting through my “Savage Love” mail was from a medical fetishist. That prompted me to look around my room. The gurney I’d come to think of as my own, one of those rolling doctor chairs, boxes of rubber gloves, stacks of hospital gowns, the bright and unflattering light. Hm. It would be easier for me to get hard in my mother’s mouth, as Dave Schmader might say, than in this room.
Fetishes are subjective, of course, and not everything is to everyones’ tastes—and how boring sex would be if that were the case. But… still. I’ve been in sexier, well, I was going to say “funeral homes,” but some folks find those places sexy. So I’ll just stop now.
Oh, but to any medical fetishists out there reading this? Eat your hearts out, suckers. I was seen by three doctors—an impossibly cute Asian guy, an impossibly sexy Indian woman, and finally an impossibly sexy blond guy. The nurse who came in and fitted me for a splint was also impossibly beautiful. Tall, blond, skinny. I felt like I was on a bad TV doctor show. Someone with a medical fetish would have really enjoyed the fuck out of my trip to the ER today. Too bad it happened to me, medical fetishists, and not to you.
Good thing you're having yourself looked after. I did something like that to my knee once and now I can't do yoga. True story.
(Well, I've never actually gone to a yoga class. That's probably part of it, too.)
Now you know why snowboarding sucks!
I hope you feel better. If you need
anything (perhaps I should specify -
like snacks or a newspaper), you have
a lot of local fans.
Don't they take away your homo card when you start calling women sexy?
"It would be easier for me to get hard in my mother’s mouth."
: |
Did you make the performance?
That is why snowboarding is a young person's sport. When we hit middle age, we are supposed to know better.
My doctor (at the Polyclinic) is not at all attractive, but I'd love to have sex with him in the examination room. He looks like he's hung.
Well, for all your injuries, your story was really funny.
thanks to your comment about "easier to get hard" etc, I don't think I will ever get a BONER EVER AGAIN!!!!!!!
also, Indian chicks are hot.
Yeah, snowboarding is for old people. As is biking, walking, sex, laughter. Leave the life-enjoying to the kids. When we hit middle age, we should just sit still and wait to die.
Thank you for the medical fetishist perspective. Thinking about being the object of envy makes me feel somewhat better about my weekend encounter with six strapping young paramedics and firemen.
i second the thoughts @7. because a lifetime of developing ski instincts only serves to hurt you on a board. d'oh!
I also agree that you should be able to have fun at any age. Dan, your story reminds me of what happened to my mom 17 years ago. She was playing basketball and bent her knee BACKWARDS on a concrete bench. You really gotta be careful. I hope you get better soon, though. : )
Jazz and Golf.
Dan, you're a bit of a moron not to have had someone look at your knee and leg when it happened.
Dude, you're supposed to be one the Wise Elders in this here country. When you do something like that to yourself, you go to a hospital QUICKLY.
tesat
You fucking klutz! j/k couldn't resist. Get better soon and stick to pouffy sports like synchronized swimming ;P j/k bisous!
Be sure to recommend to your med fetishists "The Operation" -- that "medical" porn shot in infrared some years back by Marne Lucas.
I hope that your injuries heal quickly. Like by tomorrow. So that you make it here to Chicago.
Bro! Sorry to hear about the injury. So what did it turn out to be, an ankle sprain?
If you'd like, I can recommend a doc on First Hill who's really good with this sort of thing.
I did break my arm snowboarding 3 years ago (my right one...) but ended up meeting my girlfriend and not driving my rig for 8 weeks. Glad you're okay. Stay in the bar and watch other 40 somethings fall...
You're in Boston and didn't call me? My secret crush is SO over.
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