Homo From the Archives of The Onion
posted by on February 6 at 8:19 AM
In honor of Ted Haggard’s being 100% heterosexual…
Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?By Bruce Heffernan
Look, I’m not a hateful person or anything—I believe we should all live and let live. But lately, I’ve been having a real problem with these homosexuals. You see, just about wherever I go these days, one of them approaches me and starts sucking my cock.
Take last Sunday, for instance, when I casually struck up a conversation with this guy in the health-club locker room. Nothing fruity, just a couple of fellas talking about their workout routines while enjoying a nice hot shower. The guy looked like a real man’s man, too—big biceps, meaty thighs, thick neck. He didn’t seem the least bit gay. At least not until he started sucking my cock, that is.
Where does this queer get the nerve to suck my cock? Did I look gay to him? Was I wearing a pink feather boa without realizing it? I don’t recall the phrase, “Suck my cock” entering the conversation, and I don’t have a sign around my neck that reads, “Please, You Homosexuals, Suck My Cock.”
I’ve got nothing against homosexuals. Let them be free to do their gay thing in peace, I say. But when they start sucking my cock, I’ve got a real problem…
Things could be worse, I suppose. It could be women trying to suck my cock, which would be adultery and would make me feel tremendously guilty. As it is, I’m just angry and sickened. But, believe me, that’s enough. I don’t know what makes these homosexuals mistake me for a guy who wants his cock sucked, and, frankly, I don’t want to know. I just wish there were some way to get them to stop.
Read the whole thing by clicking here.
I was going to remark that the Reverand Ted must have been helped by the patron saint of homosexuals. But it turns out that in spite of homosexuality's disease status among Catholics, there is no clear patron saint of homsexuality-as-disease, at least not in this (obviously definitive) list:
http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/indexsnt.htm
The best I can come with is St Benedict Joseph Labre, the Beggear of Perpetual Indulgence (I didn't make that up). In fact his being listed as the patron saint of bachelors, unmaried men, people rejected by religious orders, and the insane. I'm guessing that combination is meant to be code for *homosexual*:
http://www.catholic-forum.com/saints/saintb09.htm
So perhaps the the Reverend Ted can think the Begger of Perpetual Adoration for his cure (no doubt effected by burying a statuette in his ass).
Hey Dan, I keep meaning to email, or even call into the podcast, and ask your views on either the The Kinsey Scale or The Klein Sexual Orientation Grid.
Those just make way more sense to me. We humans are very complex, and sexuality hardly ever falls neatly into what we call heterosexual, homosexual, or even bisexual. Not to mention all the other types that are out there!
I just think if we start saying that it's perfectly normal for a person to be attracted to a person of the same sex and still consider themselves heterosexual, maybe there wouldn't be as much homophobia?
But then maybe I'm just too hopeful. There is the whole SnickerSuperbowl Ad.
And speaking of 100% heterosexuals:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/06/us/06cnd-astronaut.html?hp&ex=1170824400&en=71a9bbaa8c20eb8a&ei=5094&partner=homepage
Maybe it's 'cause I'm trapped in bed with a whopper of a cold, but any story invovling both astronauts and adult diapers is aces by me.
And speaking of 100% heterosexuals:
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/02/06/us/06cnd-astronaut.html?hp&ex=1170824400&en=71a9bbaa8c20eb8a&ei=5094&partner=homepage
Maybe it's 'cause I'm trapped in bed with a whopper of a cold, but any story invovling both astronauts and adult diapers is aces by me.
I suspect the good Revs methods of proving Ted NOTGAY look something like this:
http://www.bolt.com/lilbran/video/815552
And thanx for that blast from the past from the Onion...
Bruce is a hottie, no?
Please, please, please find the article entitled "Church Offers Homosexuals New Life in the Closet," or something similar.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/28799
The question is, does Dan get letters like this to his sex advice column? Are there guys out there this deep in denial?
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