I’ll say it first: Between roughly 1985 and 1995, Bruce Willis was upsettingly hot. (‘Upsetting’ because of his smarm, which lent an edge of revulsion to his appeal and made the whole icky-hot mess that much steamier.)

Still, even with my pro-Willis leanings, this freaks me out:

A US firefighter has undergone plastic surgery in India to look like Hollywood star Bruce Willis.

John Joseph Conway, 43, from Chicago, checked into the Sir Ganga Ram Hospital in New Delhi with a photograph of his hero. “I am a firefighter. I need to look the part. I wanted to improve my jawline. Bruce Willis has a nice, strong jaw,” he told the Hindustan Times after surgery.

Vivek Kumar, part of the medical team which operated on Conway, said doctors studied his face for three days to give him the look he wanted. “After he contacted us on email, he said that as a man who jumps into burning buildings, people in the community look up to him and he needed to maintain his macho image,” Kumar told the paper.

Perhaps I’m naive, but I would’ve hoped that FIREFIGHTERS—people who risk their lives to protect other people’s lives—might have immunity from the sort of bone-deep self-doubt that’s crippling our nation’s 13-year-olds. “I am a firefighter—I need to look the part”?!? Actually, Mr. Conway, all you have to do is be willing to run into burning buildings with whatever goddamn face God gave you—which is quite enough, don’t you think?

Sigh.

I’m turning into Andy Rooney…