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Tuesday, February 6, 2007

100% Totally Completely Entirely Heterosexual

posted by on February 6 at 7:21 AM

The newly repressed Ted Haggard is now “completely heterosexual” and plans to pursue a master’s degree in psychology.

Not a bad idea. Maybe he’ll accidentally learn something.

RSS icon Comments

1

Dang, that was fast!

Posted by jk | February 6, 2007 7:35 AM
2

Please let someone catch him sucking cock on camera.

Posted by Leeerker | February 6, 2007 7:39 AM
3

Hmmm, there is something kinda strange about that entire story. You know, from all the failures of the "curing" I am still betting Haggard and his wife will quietly get a divorce in a year of so. The presentation of him now being "hetro" seems a bit too contrived...... It is just being presented as something to make the "restoration" look good.

I am still holding on to the idea Haggard going the David Brock route and eventually coming out writing a tell all book about the evils of the religous right. If there is one thing we all know is that the truth will set anyone free. Haggard needs to cast out the demons of lying about who he is and come to the light with his gayness...

Posted by Andrew | February 6, 2007 7:54 AM
4

Congratulations: Give that man a banana sundae! Or a polish with lots of sauerkraut! Or a twinkie with delicious cream filling.

Posted by Jonathan | February 6, 2007 7:56 AM
5

wow. just reading his inspiring story has cured my of the gayness.


you know, that's actually a really good way to break up with someone. if they are annoying and persistent, just tell them you are straight now. thanks, jesus!

Posted by konstantconsumer | February 6, 2007 7:59 AM
6

Lost in all the hubbub of the news of Rev. Ted Haggard's triumphal return to heterosexuality, Pastor Ralph also said that they had found the lost land of Mu, the Fountain-of-Youth - and that, yes, Virginia, there really IS a Santa Claus.

No mention of the Tooth Fairy.

Posted by Laurence Ballard | February 6, 2007 8:41 AM
7

From the "you gotta be kidding me" dept.

Posted by Mike in MO | February 6, 2007 8:51 AM
8

and to think, he did it all without dobson's help. good for him!

Posted by deeky | February 6, 2007 9:13 AM
9

Mike in MO: lucky you. Haggard might be moving to your neighborhood (either that or Iowa, he says).

Now if he really wanted to test his "cure", he'd try San Francisco. But no, he's going someplace safe. Because, you know, there aren't any evil homosexuals in Iowa or Missouri. No temptations there.

No. Stop looking at those farm boys, Ted. You're cured, remember?

Posted by SDA in SEA | February 6, 2007 9:15 AM
10

how depressing.

Posted by Lindy | February 6, 2007 9:24 AM
11

deluded former "spiritual leader" with a pending crackerjack-generated master's degree in head shrinking, telling vulnerable sheep-people they can be "cured like he was"... sigh... i just watched the alexandra pelosi documentary, and he was just tooo creepy. (:-c)

Posted by bijoubaby | February 6, 2007 9:36 AM
12

Proving once again Christians lie better than anyone and I thought that was a sin. But this is just an extension of all the lying he has done all his life and is exactly what the Christians around him want to hear so they all can move on.
It is all ok now everything is back in it's place Haggard is cured and they can all get back to condemning homosexuality.
"The Devil made me do it" (Flip Wilson)

Posted by Brian | February 6, 2007 9:39 AM
13

Why, what wonderful news for him! I am hoping that this divine magic will work for me too, and tomorrow morning I shall wake up to find that I am 20 lb lighter, that I am no longer part-Chinese, that I sweat less readily, and that I am no longer a bitter cynic. Hurrah for God!

Posted by Liz Upton | February 6, 2007 9:40 AM
14

. . . the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual.

According to a third party. If Haggard really is convinced, that's rather sad. And please tell me they're getting real MSs and not those joke "Christian Counseling" degrees.

Posted by Molly, NYC | February 6, 2007 10:16 AM
15

SDA: no, there aren't a gays in MO. Especially not in St Louis, and DEFINITELY not in the Central West End area...

Posted by Mike in MO | February 6, 2007 11:13 AM
16

" ...It was the acting-out situations where things took place." yeah, sure, that makes a lot of sense, ralph. very convincing.

Posted by ellarosa | February 6, 2007 11:34 AM
17

Watch for his master's from some bullshit unaccedited institution with the words "family", "liberty", "freedom", or "Heritage" in the name.

Posted by catalina vel-duray | February 6, 2007 1:53 PM
18

Dobson and his ilk know that homosexuality is a gift that God has given gays. They cannot counsel anyone to become heterosexual, so they lie to everyone about their abilities to change homosexuals to heterosexuals because they have been denied those Holy feelings themselves.

Posted by larry clark | February 6, 2007 11:42 PM
19

Sad that anyone would be so committed to living a miserable closeted life.

Enjoy, Ted! Jesus loves you baby!

Posted by monkey | February 7, 2007 7:58 AM
20

That was all just an "acting-out situation," eh? So sexuality is just a part time job that you can do while drunk or high? Maybe now that he's resigned as head of the big evangelical machine he'll be forced to work some more "secular" side jobs.

Posted by Stevenizzle | February 7, 2007 6:46 PM

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