You’d better be sitting down for this one: The Seattle Times just launched a new Sunday Styles section! And dig this, kids: It’s “edgy”! “Fun”! “Bold and not for everyone!” For “people living life to the fullest”! Well… “You know who you are.”

Basically, the redesign appears to be geared toward either a) septuagenarians or b) people with utter contempt for the English language. Everything’s BIG (sorry— “bold”!) and blocky, with entire “stories” contained in chunky little blocks of large-print text. (Knitting AND emo? It’s like they know me!) The “new tone” is what the sixtysomething dudes running things over on Fairview probably consider “breezy” and “conversational”; it consists mainly of inserting “ums” and rhetorical dear-reader questions (“you say there’s something different about today’s Sunday Life section?”) pretty much at random all over the place. And while I was planning to take on every single damn article in the section, my head exploded somewhere between the intro (featuring a cartoon of a “very, um, retro-looking blonde”) and a truly vomit-inducing piece on “dog parks that are worth the drive.” So we’ll have to confine ourselves to the front page.

It’s pretty clear that Fancher & Co. think what “people living life to the fullest” want is more of “quirky-Asian-girl-who’s-really-into-shopping” Pamela Sitt (nee “TV Addict”), because they’ve positioned her new column, “Girl About Town,” at the very top of the page, above the masthead. (Way to “think outside the box,” boys!) The inaugural installment takes on the topic of book clubs—specifically, book clubs for men—and proceeds apace through every hoary gender stereotype in the book. Girls don’t like to read? Yep, that’s in there: “So it was that I found myself… an auditor of someone else’s book club—ideal, as I didn’t have to do the reading.” Boys like serious stuff like politics, girls like romance? Check: While the guys were reading up on “the energy crisis, economic collapse, politics,” Sitt’s “erstwhile book club considered reading ‘The Crimson Petal and the White’ by Michael Faber because it was considered ‘steamy,’ but it was 800 pages, which is way too long even if it is educational.” Women really just want to shop and gossip? Oh, yes: “[Forming a book club] surely makes us better people, and makes up for many hours spent shopping and devouring tabloids.” Women looove to yakity-yak and never let men get a word in edgewise? You know it!: “‘Not having women in the group is important,’ said co-founder Brian Clark, ‘because I never get to talk at home.’”

I can’t wait for the next installment. Maybe she can go shopping with a male friend and write about how boys just don’t understand why girls love shoes! I mean, it practically writes itself.