??!! I’m Gonna Be Metrosick
posted by December 6 at 11:30 AMon
It’s no secret that I hate Seattle Metropolitan magazine. It’s less clear exactly why I feel the need to read through it every single month. Is it the smug house style of the writing? The relentlessly stupid cheerleading of all the wrong parts of Seattle culture? The way that a reader can’t tell an ad from a feature? The cutesy headlines that make me believe that the editorial staff is a bunch of freshly-groomed poodles? (“Hey, there, girls, I’ve got a story about a guy who’s making a fancy espresso machine: should we call it Grounds Hero?” “Arf!” “Are you sure? Because that actually makes me think of Ground Zero, like, September Eleventh, and plus it’s a really stupid headline.” “Arf! Arf!” “Well, all right…”) Am I fascinated by Seattle Metropolitan’s Barbarella-like pandering desire to shoot for the lowest common denominator and miss…every single time?
I’ve been trying to not post about the Met, though, in hopes that it would go away faster. But this issue has an egregiously bad blurbicle. Met doesn’t have their content online, so I’m going to have to quote pretty liberally here: the blurbicle is titled “we told ya” and sub-titled “Seattle Metropolitan proves prophetic.”
It begins with this:
It feels great to be ahead of the curve. It took Seattle’s Convention and Visitors Bureau $200,000 and 16 months to discover what everyone at this publication has known since we unveiled last March: metro is in. Yes, metronatural, the Bureau’s recently announced “destination brand position:—grand-dad used to call them “slogans”—will surely attract tourists to our “uniquely marketable combination of urban and outdoor experiences.” But it’s just the way we talk around here. In fact it’s what we metronaturally do: Promote our uniquely marketable city.
And there’s more. the body of the blurbicle contains references to Cheif Sealth as “our metro-Native American progenitor” and talks about how Pioneer Square used to be full of “prospectors and barroom gals doing the metronasty.” Seattle’s home to “people of every metronationality.” Also, it refers to how Seattleites are “funky,” which is just wrong, even without a metro stuck on it, and as an example of our funkiness it refers to Fremont, “home of the metrognome.” And if you “come down with metronatriuresis” you can go to a “metronaturapath” to be cured. It closes like this:
But enough. We and the Bureau just ask that this holiday season you take a moment to appreciate everything Seattle offers, whether you’re spinning the metrodreidle or setting up your metro-Nativity and listening to metro-Nat King Cole sing about chestnuts roasting on an open fire. And will Seattle Metropolitan continue to do its part in the New Year? You metro-bottom dollar we will.
Besides the obvious fact that they’re pretending that one of the worst slogans this city full of bad slogans* has ever come up with is a great slogan that will somehow convince tourists to come and visit our city, they’re also apparently pushing to make metro- the new smurf-. What I’m wondering is: how do you write this blurbicle and not immediately want to kill yourself?
* Going entirely from memory, here, I seem to recall that a slogan for the Mariners was: "You Gotta Love These Guys!" And also, a slogan for the Pike Place Market was: "I Love This Place!" and Seattle Center's was once "What a Great Place!" So, clearly, Seattle's fucked in terms of slogans no matter how you look at it. It could be argued that at least "Metronatural" is one horrible word, not one horrible sentence.