Slog News & Arts

Line Out

Music & Nightlife

« Christmas Is a Week Away... | Tickle Me Emo »

Monday, December 18, 2006

Have You Fucked These Men?

posted by on December 18 at 16:48 PM

Have you fucked any of the pastors at New Life Church in the ass?

If you have, the “Overseers” appointed to, um, oversee the spiritual cleansing of Ted Haggard’s New Life Church in Colorado Springs want to hear from you.

To assist in both the process of Rev. Haggard’s restoration and the protection of the Church itself, the Overseers are open to receiving current information relevant to either Rev. Haggard’s recovery process or any concerns about New Life Church staff or its leaders. While they cannot promise confidentiality, the Overseers will handle any such information discretely.

The Overseers have put a form up on New Life’s website to help you help them rid New Life of closet cases, drug abusers, and other bad elements. Just click here to share any dirt you might have on any of these guys:

Ross.jpg

Did you fuck Ross Parsley, Senior Pastor, in the ass? Click here.

Rob.jpg

Did you fuck Rob Brendle, Associate Pastor, in the ass? Click here.

Glenn.jpg

Did you fuck Glenn Packiam, Associate Worship Pastor, in the ass? Click here.

Brad.jpg

Did you fuck Brad Parsley, Choir Director, in the ass? Click here.

The Overseers don’t want to hear from friends-of-friends who fucked New Life leaders in their asses. Rumors won’t do—the Overseers are looking for blue dresses, people, not blue gossip.

The information you share must be first-hand, factual, and detailed with as many dates and specifics as possible for your communication to be considered credible (no rumors, please).

And does it even need to be said? False reports about gay hookers running riot through the sanctuary or New Life pastors sucking off all comers at Colorado’s crowded rest stops are not helpful. False reports could seriously impede the Overseers’ work and slow the spiritual cleansing of New Life Church. Thank you.

(Uh… does anyone else think that the use of “overseer” is an odd choice of words? I mean, when I hear “overseer” I think one thing: slavery. An overseer was an unpleasant person who carried a whip and brutalized slaves in the American South. Is the word even used in other contexts? If “overseer” is okay, why not “OberfĂĽhrers”?)

RSS icon Comments

1

Dan, you forgot to ask if any of us have sold them any crystal meth. And really, aren't they just telling their leaders (the ultra faggy looking choir director especially), that they need to restrict their gay sex to glory holes?

Posted by Gitai | December 18, 2006 4:56 PM
2

Where can I email if I'd like to fuck Pastor Brendle in the ass?

Posted by let's get some shoes | December 18, 2006 4:56 PM
3

What in the hell is a "stormfuhrer"?

Do you mean Stormtrooper (from the German "Sturmtruppe")?

Do you mean FĂĽhrer (from the German for "leader")?

Or is a "stormfuhrer" some role in the gay Nazi bondage scene with which I'm not familiar?

Posted by David Wright | December 18, 2006 5:00 PM
4

This post is hilarious. "Click here".

And not me, but somebody has definitely fucked Brad Parsley in the ass. There's the xtreme gayface, the choir direction, but the name? Seriously? BRAD PARSLEY?!

"Brad Parsley, nice to meet you"

Way to doom your Christian infant to a satanic life of sodomy, mom and dad.

Posted by sniggles | December 18, 2006 5:02 PM
5

at least they brought in jack hayford as an overseer. he's a guy with real credibility and integrity. one of the most thoughtful ministers in the faith today, and compassionate.

Posted by erostratus | December 18, 2006 5:10 PM
6

Is it wrong to want to take advantage of the anonymity provided by their online form?

Really, though, there are very few New Life pastors' pictures that pass my "I look like I would probably prefer vaginas" test.

Posted by Brie | December 18, 2006 5:24 PM
7

David Wright,
With which roles in the gay Nazi bondage scene are you familiar?

Posted by Inquiring minds want to know | December 18, 2006 5:27 PM
8

I love that it won't be "confidential" but dealt with "discretely". They're the a-holes that control the "discretion". I think that site deserves to be spammed with about 100,000 emails involving them with everything from the Enumclaw horse to Opus Dei rituals. You know the church is in trouble when they go digging for dirt like this. Besides, they're begging for a lawsuit from their minions IF something is found from using this site...

I'm going to give them an email saying that I'd gladly fuck the blond one. He's cute.

Posted by Dave Coffman | December 18, 2006 5:57 PM
9

Sturmführer is what I meant—and it's a real Nazi rank, David. (See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ranks_and_insignia_of_the_Schutzstaffel)

For the purpose of this post, however, I should have gone with OberfĂĽhrer, as it sounds more like Overseer. I have altered the post accordingly.

Posted by Dan Savage | December 18, 2006 5:58 PM
10

Thanks for the update, Dan. And for the history lesson; I didn't know about the SA rank.

By the way, at least for me, "overseeer" doesn't exclusively connote an overseeer of slaves. And if they called themselves the "board" you would probably have mocked them for sounding corporate. Anyway, all of this is entirely peripheral to your otherwise enjoyable post.

Posted by David Wright | December 18, 2006 6:10 PM
11

I'm pretty sure "discreetly" was the word they were looking for, not "discretely". Dumbass home-schooled evangelicals who can't spell really chap my hide.

Posted by Ryan | December 18, 2006 6:23 PM
12

The associate worship pastor looks like a real life 'Fez" from that 70's show

Posted by heather | December 18, 2006 6:25 PM
13

Dan, I liked Stormfuhrer... and it had that fake quality to it- sort of like their church.

BTW, their newsletter is intriguing. They really get caught up on the burial of a gerbil (which was named Gerbil Washington Carver, with pictures of Carver included in the newsletter...). Maybe you should send Charles to investigate their fascination with such animals.

I need a blogging lesson so I know how to paste links...

Posted by Dave Coffman | December 18, 2006 6:30 PM
14
Posted by charles | December 18, 2006 8:32 PM
15

I think that Ross is really hot. I'm not sure if I'm more upset that he's gay or that he's a crazy repressed Christian. But, come to think of it maybe I could convince him that if he let me do him with a dildo that it would make him straight. Hmmm....

Posted by Papayas | December 18, 2006 10:55 PM
16

Thanks Charles... maybe I can raise my internet IQ into the double digits at least!

Posted by Dave Coffman | December 19, 2006 12:00 AM
17

Ryan @11: my Word document spell check accepts both versions.

Posted by i love pa | December 19, 2006 12:05 AM
18

yes, but they're still different words with different meanings...

Posted by gnossos | December 19, 2006 1:16 AM
19

Maybe they mean the revelations will be dealt with in a non-continuous manner, and in batches of a given number. Possibly, though, they're just a bunch of ignorant cunts.

Posted by David | December 19, 2006 4:53 AM
20

Two thoughts: 1) could there be a more faggy list of dudes? These guys make the San Fran pride parade look like monday night football. 2) Does anyone at the NLC realize the joke potential? They are totally asking to be F-ed with.

Posted by Mike in MO | December 19, 2006 6:11 AM
21

I've got my "I PEGGED PARSLEY" bumpersticker, don't you?

Posted by Dawn Davenport | December 19, 2006 6:27 AM
22

I'd say the choir director is the most fuckable, though his hair is debatable -he could lose his gay card for using that much mousse.

Any shirtless pix?

I think I'll copy and paste some hot man on man fic from About Face or Rear Admirals to let the horny Uber-seers know exactly what Brad Parsley and I have been doing every evening (when the services really begin).

And BTW, is "spiritual cleansing" like ethnic cleansing?

Posted by Original Andrew | December 19, 2006 8:17 AM
23

Jeez, is there a reward?

Posted by monkey | December 19, 2006 8:56 AM
24

Monkey,

Yeah, 20 pieces of silver.

Posted by Original Andrew | December 19, 2006 9:22 AM
25

I couldn't help myself, I went to the site and posted a response. I told them to enjoy their witch hunt.

PS by the way, it only requires that the name, address, email, etc. fields not be blank. I put in * for all of them.

Fuckers!

Posted by monkey | December 19, 2006 9:26 AM
26

Wow, so there is such a thing as "gay face."

Posted by Aaron | December 19, 2006 9:42 AM
27

I'm pretty sure I fucked Brad Parsley, the choir master. I remember him screaming: "I'm cumming again!"

Posted by Richard | December 19, 2006 9:45 AM
28

Someone should accuse Ross and Brad Parsley of being secretly gay married instead of being brothers...

Posted by Matt! | December 19, 2006 9:48 AM
29

Why do all of these guys look like they'd be hanging out in A&F stores by the changing rooms ....trying to lure in impressionable young men with nary a drop of pubic hair for some on the knees praying to someone other than the Lord?

Posted by Addison | December 19, 2006 10:08 AM
30

Come see my new ad for "Senator Brownback for President"

Okay, I know - its sick but I think its kind of funny.

http://www.pinkpanthersblog.com/

Besides that wing-nut extremist bitch deserves it.

Posted by cowboyneok | December 19, 2006 10:19 AM
31

Um, what if they just 69'd with them? After all, blowjobs are an impeachable offense ...

Posted by Will in Seattle | December 19, 2006 12:08 PM
32

I wouldn't fuck any of these guys in the ass. As closeted as they are... they probably don't know how to douch! Since they believe being gay is dirty, imagine what the fuck would be like. Hand me the face mask and the surgical gloves please!

Posted by LiberalIncarnate | December 19, 2006 12:30 PM
33

I really can't believe that you didn't include David Perkins, "Director of the Furnace", in your post.

The Director of the Furnace is quite obviously flamin' and probably has quite a list of informants the overseers would like to hear from.

Posted by Sheesh! | December 19, 2006 12:48 PM
34

I guess where know where the Other Side of Aspen is...
Colorado Springs

Posted by SF Guns | December 19, 2006 1:01 PM
35

What if they fucked me in the ass? Can I still weigh in? I realize they all look like nelly bottoms, but that Parsley is hung like a HORSE, and there is no sense letting that much man-meat go to waste!

Posted by Bottomless | December 19, 2006 1:38 PM
36

This whole thing sorta reminds me of the Queer as Folk episode that begins with Brian fucking some guy in the ass at Babylon (close-up of the man's dangling... crucifix) and winds up with Brian meeting his mother's beloved (and gorgeous) pastor... whom Brian has already met (in the Biblical sense).

BTW - Did anyone notice the multiple Parlseys at this church? Didn't realize civil unions were legal in Colorado.

Posted by MikeinSanJose | December 19, 2006 3:00 PM
37

at least they brought in jack hayford as an overseer

I'm pretty sure he's the guy who fucked my prize watermelon.

Posted by Gen. JC Christian, patriot | December 19, 2006 11:45 PM
38

Does using a twelve-inch dildo on Brad count? I would've done it myself, but he wouldn't put his embossed bible down and it seemed too creepy, even for me.

Posted by virgil | December 20, 2006 5:10 AM
39

I think I have the "Smoking Gun" a copy of the Titan flick "Brotherhood of Aspen" featuring the Parsley Brothers "ministering" to each other. Its probably available at your local "TLA", that hotbed of HomO Entertainment!

Posted by Rob | December 20, 2006 5:33 AM
40

History lesson: They use "overseer" because it is an English translation of episkopos, the Greek word from which the English word bishop is derived.

Posted by Gary | December 20, 2006 6:22 AM
41

at least they brought in jack hayford as an overseer. he's a guy with real credibility and integrity. one of the most thoughtful ministers in the faith today, and compassionate.

Sorry pal. Anyone involved in this comic book nonsense has no credibility whatsoever, especially if they are an American christian. There is nothing on earth more stupid than the American christian.

Posted by Paul | December 20, 2006 6:37 AM
42

"...is "spiritual cleansing" like ethnic cleansing?"

No. It's an enema performed with Holy Water.

Badum-pum!

Posted by St. Peter | December 20, 2006 7:44 AM
43

wow, awkward...

www.americanlegends.blogspot.com

Posted by pete | December 20, 2006 9:06 AM
44

Isn't it redundant to ask if the choir director has been fucked in the ass?

I mean, really.

Now, I think you might just all need to click over to BigMuscle.com, click the 21 bar to indicate you're of age, and then click on "Other Lists" from the menu to the left.

From there, click the Google Maps link and then click on the Colorado tab.

There's the people you should be asking, Dan.

BTW, I'm madly in love with your work.

Posted by Joseph Bua | December 20, 2006 9:28 AM
45

Additional history lesson: slavery was also prevalent in the American North.

Can I e-mail them if I want to fk them but haven't?

Posted by andy | December 20, 2006 9:31 AM
46

To i love pa: discrete means distinct, constituting a different entity. Discreet means having or showing discernment.
Two different English words with two different meanings. That's why your spell check displays both. Don't trust Word, go to your Webster's.

Posted by William | December 20, 2006 9:40 AM
47

I'm really hoping some gay prostitute will out Fred Phelps, the guy who pickets gay funerals in Kansas.
that guy is the classic "dog who barks too loud"

that being said, I walked in on an all new-life pastor orgy once... does that count?

Posted by yukky | December 20, 2006 10:07 AM
48

Overseer can be used to describe any supervisor, and it has many applicable uses, so we can continue with tearing taboos down, and not creating more of them?

Posted by Dennis | December 20, 2006 10:09 AM
49

I'll have a sprig of that ass.

Posted by Bill from Dover | December 20, 2006 10:31 AM
50

"Oberfuehrer" was the Nazi word for "major general" (the military rank, of the SS), and doesn't seem to be used for much of anything else now.

Posted by raj | December 20, 2006 10:37 AM
51

The fact that they misspelled "discreetly" is evidence that they've been spending too much time looking at the m4m ads on Craigslist.

Posted by John T | December 20, 2006 10:50 AM
52

I'll take Rob Brendle, Associate Pastor, with a side order of bacon. The others are two damn nelly-looking for even me to fuck in the ass.

The two Parsley "brothers", however, add a new meaning to the search for the perfect garni.

Posted by Tessie Tura | December 20, 2006 11:32 AM
53

Call today!

1-800-555-5555 if you've fucked one of them

1-900-555-5555 if you want to fuck one of them.

Posted by Nalline | December 20, 2006 12:47 PM
54

Goddammit, we need to get rid of these misogynistic christian "churches"...need to get some of those cute-but-repressed female ministers, or choir-honeys in the good ol' New Life Church.

(Nothin' like a good horsefucking to get their heads in a good spot.)

Posted by Tanbark | December 20, 2006 2:27 PM
55

Thank you, Ryan.

I am thrilled to learn I am not the only uber-anal logophile online. The right word is 'discreet' meaning handled with sensitivity and discretion. I agree that the home-schooled Jesus-Juicers have a lot to learn. The word 'discrete' is used to reference individual, separate particles.

Posted by Radhika | December 20, 2006 3:07 PM
56

Thank you, Ryan.

I am thrilled to learn I am not the only uber-anal logophile online. The right word is 'discreet' meaning handled with sensitivity and discretion. I agree that the home-schooled Jesus-Juicers have a lot to learn. The word 'discrete' is used to reference individual, separate particles.

Posted by Radhika | December 20, 2006 3:08 PM
57

(Nothin' like a good horsefucking to get their heads in a good spot.)

I sincerely hope that's some kind of euphemism.

-fred

Posted by Fred Fnord | December 20, 2006 3:26 PM
58

By the way, did Brad Parsley put his hair on slightly crooked for that picture, or is it just me? I tilt my head a little to the left, to counteract the tilt of his head, but his hair still seems... askew.

-fred

Posted by Fred Fnord | December 20, 2006 3:33 PM
59

Oh My Stars, Dan! Every single one of them is gayer than Anderson Cooper's sock drawer.

Posted by David Ehrenstein | December 20, 2006 4:48 PM
60

Overseers? More like Bendoverssers!

Posted by Yelling_at_the_radio | December 20, 2006 5:22 PM
61

Everyone on this board needs to go over lay some abuse to this pack of witch-hunters. I've already done my duty.

Posted by Tommy | December 20, 2006 5:34 PM
62

Before Radhika gets on my case, I should acknowledge that I completely fucked up my last post. It should have read: "lay some abuse on this pack of witch-hunters."

My earlier observation still applies.

Posted by Tommy | December 20, 2006 5:37 PM
63

What about the Pastor Beard that left the church earlier this week because of a sexual indiscretion? Any pics of him.? And what was the story behind his leaving. (No pun intended)

Posted by Mike T | December 20, 2006 6:37 PM
64

When I went over to New Life's site to confess my tryst with Rev. Parsley including all the juicy details, I was rudely redirected right back here. With the Lord strong in my heart, I know I will get through eventually.

Posted by purvis ames | December 20, 2006 8:12 PM
65

Get a life you pigs!

What low life crap!


Posted by cynthia | December 20, 2006 8:31 PM
66

The cute one is that Pastor who just got the boot - Christopher Beard. I noticed in the church's explanation for his dismissal they said he had committed sexual misconduct with and unmarried "adult" so ya know it's gotta be another guy. Otherwise they'd be going out of their way to prove they have a hetero pastor.

Posted by stevo | December 20, 2006 10:03 PM
67

eat me, cynthia!

while i've not fucked any of these xian men (too nelly for me), i did DISCRETELY rim each of them. and may i add, the choirmaster wasn't at all DISCREET in his noisy response.

Posted by someone | December 20, 2006 10:20 PM
68

William @ 46: I figured out with @18 that I screwed up, but that's what I get for losing my hard copy of Websters in the last move....good point, though. Spell check sucks if you don't really know your vocab. Cheers & thanks to all for the discreet lesson.

Posted by i love ipa | December 20, 2006 11:49 PM
69

Way too funny. I couldn't help but reply to New Life's request for information in the hope that Cynthia is sat there pouring through all the replies.

Posted by grrrrrrrr | December 21, 2006 3:39 AM
70

If you guys like those Parsley's you should check out the A-hole that is Rod Parsley, paster of the insane World Harvest Church here in Ohio. This picture just begs for photoshop:

http://www.itickets.com/parts/aimages/8917.jpg

Posted by Andrew | December 21, 2006 5:52 AM
71

Do I have to tell them if I have just looked at them in a special way?

Posted by yank in london | December 21, 2006 9:47 AM
72

Cynthia wrote:

Get a life you pigs!

What low life crap!

Yeah, that's what all of them were saying about Mike Jones...

... until he provided the voicemails!

Haha!

Posted by Dale | December 21, 2006 1:10 PM
73

All faggots should be found out and punished, driven from their jobs and treated like sick creatures. Torquemada lives on!

Posted by hephaestion | December 21, 2006 1:51 PM
74

Oh. My. Gawd.

Brad Parsley has " Kramer" hair! I'd forgotten about that!

I'm a straight woman. If these preacherboys PAID me to poke'em in their patooties with an" ethnic"-tinted boytoy, should I report that?

Posted by Miranda Writes | December 21, 2006 2:09 PM
75

what about the ones that did homo cam-2-cam cybersex with me? Do I report them too?

Posted by cyberM4M | December 21, 2006 5:11 PM
76

Here, Bobby, show the Overseer's committee on this crucifix where the bad pastor touched you.

Posted by dustbunny | December 21, 2006 5:38 PM
77

I don't think I'd want to continue working for an organization that asks members of the public to come forward if they've done me up the butt, and then posts my picture. It somehow seems like an unsavory thing for an employer to do, a little bit.

Perhaps it's easier than firing them on suspicion of being gay.

Posted by Dave | December 22, 2006 3:16 AM
78

Re the original church announcement, Overseer's of New Life Church -- Is the improperly inserted apostrophe symbolic of a "dangling chad" fetish?

Posted by aikane | December 22, 2006 8:41 AM
79

Forget the pastors and other administrators I participated in a wild party with the overseers. You don't see their pictures posted, but honey let me tell you those queens know their high thread count fabrics.

Posted by poodle | December 22, 2006 11:04 AM
80

What's going on with Brad Parsley's hair in that pic? Its totally bugging me.

It looks like some exotic sea coral is growing out of his head...

Posted by SF Guns | December 22, 2006 11:15 AM
81

Here's the note I left them with my real name:
It's time y'all face up to the fact that gay people are part of the deal, god's plan, if you will. There is nothing sinful or wrong about it. It just is.

I love my husband and he loves me and we don't have to hide it. Together we are raising a son whose heterosexual mother and father can't quite hack it. Seems like Jesus would be right proud of us.

Quit worrying about where other people's private parts have fun.

David

Posted by David | December 22, 2006 4:27 PM
82

I don't recognize the faces. Maybe they should also post pictures of their asses. They would be easier to recognize.

Posted by shadowguy | December 22, 2006 7:26 PM
83

Maybe New Life is adapting Scientology's "suppressive persons" strategy?

Posted by tm | December 22, 2006 8:46 PM
84

This is why I love you.
thank you

Posted by Jordan_mpls | December 23, 2006 8:41 AM
85

Hey Dan, I've got a bit of dirt on YOU. Since your so into others' dirt, let's share YOURS.

Do you remember Shaw? you tricked at your place, tied him up in your basement, and then invited your neighbors over to tease him.

Yeah, how'd you like it, 3 months later when your sorry drunk ass, picked him up again, and this time he tied YOU up in the basement... and left you there?

did your partner enjoy that? or did you make it out before he got home?


and btw, you might also remember ME, as one of the MANY people who have laughed at you when you've tried hitting on them.

Just wanted to share with the class.

Posted by Fairy X | December 23, 2006 3:32 PM
86

Don't you see? This is a clever front for them to collect new meat for the secret baptisms of fire rituals headed by the overseers. Once you send any information men will come to your home at night and you will right away be sent to special treatment. This way they will ride the world of sodomites once and for all. That way their leadership will no longer be tempted by the ways of the flesh. Yeeeee Ai Ai Cthulu Rleyh Ftagn Shrub Nuggureth!!!

Posted by mark1 | December 24, 2006 8:50 PM
87

are any of them a relation to this faggoty fag?

Rod Parsly

http://www.breakthrough.net/

Posted by HDBiker | December 28, 2006 3:51 AM
88

LMAO, did someone say something about a second cumming?

this all reminds me of that QAF episode where Brian fucks a priest. that was hot.

Posted by milcat | December 30, 2006 4:26 AM

Comments Closed

In order to combat spam, we are no longer accepting comments on this post (or any post more than 14 days old).