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Thursday, December 28, 2006

After Saddam

posted by on December 28 at 11:07 AM


Who we should hang after we hang Saddam Hussein?


Saddam Hussein found guilty of executing fewer than 200 men and boys after an assassination attempt was made on the dictator’s life near the village where these unfortunate men and boys lived. They weren’t guilty of any wrongdoing—but that didn’t stop Hussein from having these men and boys rounded up, tortured, and executed. Saddam was sending a message to all of Iraq:

“Don’t want fuck with me, people, because that’s going to make me mad and when I’m mad I fucking kill people—yes, even people that had nothing to do with whatever it was that made me mad in the first place. So not only should you avoid pissing me off, you need to keep an eye on your friends, neighbors, and fellow citizens to make sure they don’t piss me off. Because if they do, then a bunch of folks are gonna die—and that might include you and your whole family.”

Saddam’s crime was a horrific—it’s the same crime that got hundreds of Nazis strung up after WWII. When a despot or an occupying power or a rebel army tortures and kills innocent people to send a message to, say, the population of occupied France or Kosovo or Iraq, that’s what known as reprisal killings, and that’s a war crime. And it mystifies me that American fundamentalists constantly accusing Jesus Christ—the Lamb of God, the Prince of Peace, the Savior of All Mankind, etc.—of engaging in reprisal killings and summary executions on a scale that would make a genocidal maniac like Hussein blush.

Remember last December’s Asian Tsunami? How do we account for such suffering? Children ripped from the arms of weeping parents, wives drowned before the eyes of their helpless husbands, entire villages washed away, supermodels stranded in trees? The American Taliban rushed on to cable news programs to explain it all for us: God was angry about the legalization of gay marriage in Massachusetts. So God tortured and executed a quarter of a million people on the other side of the planet.

And remember Katrina? Remember this image:


The American Taliban told us that God sent a Giant Killer Fetus in the form of a hurricane to send a message to the United States about our tolerance of abortion and to New Orleans about its tolerance of “Southern Decadence,” a gay party that takes place in the French Quarter every year. But the Giant Killer Fetus didn’t inundate abortion clinics or drown Planned Parenthood counselors or pro-choice Democrats. Nope, the Giant Killer Fetus sent by God to punish us for choice and circuit parties drowned helpless little old ladies in nursing homes and small black children in attics. America’s abortion clinics survived unscathed—as did the entire French Quarter, home to Southern Decadence and all of New Orlean’s gay bars.

Likewise the Northridge Earthquake in 1994. Pat Robertson said it was an expression of God’s anger at the American porn industry, which is located near that quakes epicenter. Dozens of people died—not one was a porn star, director, or producer. And 9/11? God was angry at the feminists, abortionists, and gays—so he rounded up, tortured, and killed 3,000 people. Some were probably feminists and there were definitely gay people on the planes and maybe there was an abortion service provider on one of those planes or in the Pentagon (?) or an office in the World Trade Center. But the overwhelming majority—thousands of people—were “innocent” of those crimes.

Yet the very same people who tell us that God expresses his displeasure with the behavior of some by sending hurricanes and tsunamis to execute innocent people also tell us that God is all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-powerful. It seems to me that an ASAKSP God could easily drown abortion doctors and male go-go dancers if that’s what he wanted to do. But he doesn’t do that. He executes innocent people—just like Saddam did. God’s fans here on earth tell us again and again that He tortures and murders innocent people to send a message to the entire population about abortion or gays or prayer in the schools. Which makes God a war criminal. The Prince of Peace is the moral equal of a Saddam Hussein or an Adolph Hitler or a Slobodan Milosevic or a Pol Pot.

So after we hang Saddam I propose we convene an international tribunal, put God on trial, take testimony from his most ardent supporters—first up, Pat Robertson—and then hang God’s murderous, tyrannical ass before he kills again.

RSS icon Comments


Killing God is easy.

If everyone simply stops talking about Him, He will cease to exist like countless other supernatural deities that humans have invented.

Posted by Original Andrew | December 28, 2006 11:11 AM

God is an American, and American's are not subject to international law.

Posted by fromohio | December 28, 2006 11:15 AM

fromohio wins.

Posted by charles | December 28, 2006 11:17 AM

There is only one problem: there is no such thing as god.

I know that is kinda the point, but I just had to say it...

Posted by Mike in MO | December 28, 2006 11:17 AM

OMG(literally?). ROFL.

Let the death-bringer hang. There is no statute of limitations on murder, so I think we can judge him for all the horrible natural acts ever to occur on this planet. He will surely get the death penalty, unless you have the trial in Europe with those socialist commies who dont believe in the death penalty.

Posted by Monique | December 28, 2006 11:17 AM

you sound like tony kushner.

Posted by konstantconsumer | December 28, 2006 11:23 AM

Well if OJ can get off, just imagine the defense team GOD would bring to the court. a two headed, levitating, fire breathing Johnny Cochran, at least. Of course, any jury that convicted Him would be thrown into a lake of fire. I don't think taking God to court is going to be enough. Clearly He needs to be assisinated.

Posted by longball | December 28, 2006 11:49 AM

Nietzsche tried it already. Apparently, God can't be killed. He must be a zombie.

Posted by Stephanie | December 28, 2006 11:51 AM

Hey no one has the right to kill God(GET OUT OF ME aaaaghh spit hisssssss)) except me. Dominus ad versum Christum corruption of the catholic mass

'The Black Mass'
Sanguis bibimus"-- "We have drunk the blood"

"Corpus edimus" -- "We have eaten the body"

"Tolle corpus" -- "Raise the body"

"Satani" -- figure it out

"Ave" -- "hail

What is your pleasure?
The box.

Posted by Damien | December 28, 2006 12:21 PM

Your daddy already tried that, Damien, and got his ass kicked.

Posted by keshmeshi | December 28, 2006 12:50 PM

Oh yeah. He'll show you. He'll be back in a sequel, just you guys wait. 'Ave Satani' Dominus! Sanguis Bibimus'!

Posted by Damien | December 28, 2006 12:55 PM

Original Andrew, right on.

Posted by A in NC | December 28, 2006 12:56 PM

Dan, this idea is so late 17th century. It didn't work then (or the endless times it's been tried after), and it won't work now. When will you give up your jihad against God? He's God, He's Here, deal with it.

Posted by Xui-tech | December 28, 2006 1:18 PM

Dan, I seem to recall a story of two Rabbis in a German death camp in WWII who actually convened a Jewish religious tribunal and put God on trial for abandoning his people. They found him guilty, of course. Can we maybe put the American Taliban on trial for abandoning common decency?

People, read "The Demon-Haunted World" by Carl Sagan. It's a beautiful piece.

Posted by Aceinhole | December 28, 2006 1:39 PM

There is an exciting kid's(!) series of books about killing god- Phillip Pullman's "His Dark Materials". Armoured polar bears AND gay angels!

Posted by ej | December 28, 2006 2:15 PM

Gawdie, you're doing a heckuva job!

Posted by Slip Mahoney | December 28, 2006 2:28 PM

James Morrow's novel "Blameless in Abaddon" is about a judge who organizes a "Job Society" and puts God on trial at the Hague for crimes against humanity. It's possibly my favorite book.

Posted by Cowboy_X | December 28, 2006 2:39 PM

I can already envision the Left Behind movie based on this entry.

Dan would make a good evil overlord, as long as he brushes up his Rumanian accent.

Posted by matthew fisher wilder | December 28, 2006 2:59 PM

@16: "Slip Mahoney" has to be one of the best pornstar names I've ever heard... yes, I realise you're probably not one, but you should be, dammit.

Oh yeah, and kill god too.

Posted by Tahn | December 28, 2006 4:37 PM

Best entry that I've read in a long time. (Don't tell Mudede.) Anyone that thinks that their god would kill to make a moral point should be locked away.

Posted by bma | December 28, 2006 5:27 PM

You DO sound like Tony Kushner! I just got that reference...

Posted by Linh | December 28, 2006 6:43 PM

maybe god has really bad aim?

Posted by back east | December 28, 2006 7:49 PM

The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.

Posted by Gitai | December 28, 2006 9:35 PM

The religion I grew up in claimed that disasters--from small (diseases) to large (hurricanes)--are God's way of testing us. I have no idea how killing innocent people is a test for them, but hey.

Posted by Nerd from AZ | December 28, 2006 10:59 PM

"God is dead."

"Nietzsche is dead."

Posted by skye | December 29, 2006 2:40 PM

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