Subject One: Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Aaron Sorkin’s ridiculous-yet-entirely unfunny dramedy chronciling backstage dealings at an SNL-styled comedy show is reportedly riding its ever-growing wave of derision to an early grave.

As Roger “the only Fox News writer who doesn’t deserve to be punched in the face” Friedman put it:

Sorkin and friends will argue that NBC has done something wrong, or that the audience isn’t smart enough. Alas, in this case, neither is true. ‘Studio 60’—as I wrote on August 7th after viewing the pilot—is just a bad show. No one cares whether a bunch of over caffeinated, well off yuppies, some with expensive drug habits, put on a weekly comedy sketch show from Los Angeles. Even worse: no one cares whether or not the people from the Bartlett White House put on a comedy show. That’s what ‘Studio 60’ is, essentially: the “West Wing” annual talent show. There’s so much earnestness involved in this endeavour, you start to think that nuclear war will be declared if the ‘Studio 60’ staff doesn’t air some joke—usually one we don’t hear anyway. The whole thing just feels weighted down and frankly, not entertaining.

Amen, and condolences and congratulations to Mr. Sorkin, for giving us a Cop Rock for the new millennium.

Subject Two: Grey’s Anatomy, the super-popular, mercilessly grating romantic hospital drama that made tabloid headlines last month thanks to the on-set scuffle between stars Patrick Dempsey and Isaiah Washington. At the time, “official reports” characterized the scuffle as a “heated exchange” that led to Washington grabbing Dempsey by the throat and shoving him.

Almost immediately, less-than-official reports were buzzing about Washington’s alleged use of a “gay slur” during the scuffle, with the buzzing soon followed by the abrupt self-outing of gay Grey’s Anatomy star T.R. Knight.

Well, thank god for Star magazine, which dared to fill in some of the saga’s many mysterious blanks in their Nov. 6 issue. Among the revelations: The allegation that Isaiah Washington spiced up his neck-throttling of Dempsey by loudly proclaiming, “I’m not your little faggot like [Knight]”, mortifying the show’s very gay-friendly cast and crew and allegedly putting Washington’s future on the show in jeopardy. (His contract’s reportedly up for renewal at the end of this season.)

This whole dust-up provides Grey’s Anatomy’s producers with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that they’d be fools to squander. Isaiah Washington must not be fired. Instead, he must be made to stay on the show, where his character is promptly revealed to “another brother on the down-low.” In the weeks leading up to sweeps, Washington’s character will go trolling for homosexual sex on the internet, arranging a liaison where he gets violently gay-bashed. As sweeps hit, Washington’s Dr. Burke lies in Seattle Grace’s intensive care unit, where his soon-to-be-fatal injuries are tended to by his onscreen girlfriend/fellow doctor Sandra Oh. Caring for her dying, secretive lover, Sandra Oh earns an Emmy, Isaiah Washington dies in her arms, ratings soar, everybody wins.

Dear producers of Grey’s Anatomy: Please make my dream come true.